Trainer Bob, The Biggest Loser and One Giant Pile of Crap

Hey Shank!

I was at the Pharmacy the other day picking up my prescription for a rather virulent outbreak of Herpes Simplex Ten when I saw this amazing product on the shelf:

(Hey Bob.  Are you freaking kidding me?)

It’s only $19.95 and I really need to lose weight!  What do you think?

Signed,

Ramon (The Fella you met about a week ago)

Hey Ramon,

I remember you!  We met at the party last week while doing the Neutron Dance:

(Please tell me that someone out there got my obscure Beverly Hills Cop reference.)

As far as “America’s Most Inspirational Trainer” Bob Harper’s product is concerned let me just say this:

It is one Giant Pile of Crap.

Ramon, if you really want to lose weight kick that product to the curb and repeat after me “I didn't get fat eating pills therefore I won’t get thin eating pills either”.

That goes for Trainer Bob’s product just as much as it goes for his cohort, “America’s Toughest Trainer” Jillian Michaels and her bottle of broken dreams:

(How in God’s name these people sleep at night after lying to the unsuspecting public and selling this garbage is beyond me.  Granted they probably made more money in the last ten minutes then I have made in my entire life but it still doesn’t change the fact that this stuff just plain doesn’t “work” when it comes to losing and maintaing a healthy bodyweight.)

If you are really serious about losing weight you need to buy my product instead.  It is called “America’s most sarcastic trainer” Mike Cruickshank’s:

FAT LOSS MAGIC IN A BOX!

It contains the following:

In order to cut down on overhead and maintain maximal profitability we have decided to get rid of the fancy packaging and instead put our product in a plain cardboard box:

(Our formula is so amazing we don’t need no stinking marketing.)

Then we included an empty bottle filled with nothing:

(This is so the next time you reach into a bottle to solve your problems you will get all the help you really need.)

And last but not least we included an entire roll of duct tape which when placed over the mouth is excellent for calorie control:

You remember calorie control don’t you.  It is the only proven way to lose weight without surgery:

(Personal Trainers who think they are Pharmacists and use their fame as a platform to sell weight loss supplements are right up there with Actors who use their fame to advance their political agendas.   Somebody should just tape all their mouths shut.)

And as a special bonus, if you buy within the next 24 hours, we will also throw in a large green rubber ball at no extra cost!

(How a large green rubber ball is going to help you lose weight is beyond me.  It was all Frankie and Lily’s idea.  Granted large green rubber balls are calorie free so chewing on one instead of say a box of doughnuts could help you eat fewer calories.   Maybe the fur balls are on to something here.)

In conclusion Ramon I think you are fantastic so don’t take this post the wrong way.  I really don’t mean to be overly sarcastic and rude.  My only goal is to once again fight the same uphill battle I have been fighting for the last decade and say this:

The solution to your weight loss problems will never be found in a pill, or blaming your genetics or buying something on late night television.  It will be found in the food you put into your mouth.  This is true regardless of which fitness flavor of the week is hocking the newest weight loss miracle.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is Dante’s version of hell.  If you click on the image and look closely you can see the special place set aside for trainers who tell people they can lose weight by taking pills.   That spot is located near the bottom right between Hypocrites and Fraudulent Counselors.)