(A special thanks goes out to Time Magazine for inspiring some of the content of this post due to the probability that it’s editors must now be smoking crack or something. On a personal note I feel no shame putting this picture up given the fact that this kids life is already ruined by his self absorbed mothers need to let everybody know how hot she is.)
“If your Calvin Kleins are becoming Calvin Lines you might want to think about not drinking powdered, poison protein powders anymore”
So saideth Paul Chek, a noted International Lecturer/Strength Coach/Holistic Health Care Practitioner/Guy who likes to stack rocks and walk around with his shirt off while looking at the awkward stares of people after he tells them his age and they are amazed that not every man over the age of 50 has to have a pair of man boobs/master of alliteration.
(This is Paul Chek and his collection of amazingly large rocks. Surprisingly he does not have an amazingly large collection of broken toes to go along with it. I always wondered why his incredibly organic diet never permitted him to grow massive amounts of hair. Then again I don’t think we will ever get an answer from him on that one. Still, the guy looks good.)
As always I like to start some of these wackier blog posts off with a good Picard Face Palm. I feel it is appropriate to set the right mood.
(Even the Captain of the Starship Enterprise will be overwhelmed by the amount of stupidity that is about to follow)
Hey Shank!
It’s me again! The 100 pound weakling! You remember don’t you?
In my quest to gain weight, meat girls (Authors note: That was not my misspelling it was his, I kid you not), and earn self respect I ran across this guy who calls himself “The Virgin”. He sells this amazing product called “Super Mammary Milk 3000″.
He swears it will help me accomplish all my hopes and dreams!
(A very famous person once said “There is a sucker born every minute”. Hence the lollipop reference. On a side note the people at Shutter Stock have recently replaced the people at “The Shake Weight” for the most overtly sexual product placement/visual graphic of all time.)
“The Virgin” told me that it is the superior ratio of Whey Protein to Egg and Casein along with Probiotics, Digestive Enzymes, Creatine, Vitamins, Minerals, Glandulars, Colustrum and Growth Factors that make this product so powerful! He said all the Top Pro Bodybuilders including 10 time Mr. Universe Tommy “I hope girls don’t find out how small my penis is” McGirt, drink this stuff to put on size!
What do you think of that Tough Guy!
Signed,
The 105 pound Weakling (105 pound weakling note: I actually felt myself gain five pounds of muscle just sitting here thinking about how awesome Super Mammary Milk 3000 is.)
Dear Buck O’Five,
Glad to hear from you again. First off, don’t ever again try to steal my colored thoughts. There’s a reason whymine are in blue and yours are in hot pink. Now to answer your question there are only three things you need to concern yourself with when it comes to buying a protein powder:
1. Do you like the taste
2. Does the product mix well
3. What is the product’s FARTABILITY FACTOR (Authors note: I invented the concept of the “Fartability Factor” so if any of you dirtbags out there try to steal it you had better give my stocky ass credit for it. Thanks.)
(Fartability…It’s science. On a side note I am sure Mom and Dad are really proud they are dropping $20,000 per semester on such a fine education.)
When it comes to number one the answer is pretty simple. Do you like the taste of the product or not. If you don’t like the taste, nothing short of being Job will allow you to continue drinking it:
(This is Job. He is a person and not something people are always looking for in a Country Music Song. Widely known as the “Rodney Dangerfield” of Religion, he is a prophet in the Muslim Faith and has his own Book in the Jewish Faith. As the story goes one day God was bragging about how awesome Job was which lead Satan, being his usual douche bag self, to question Job’s true loyalty to God. What then ensued was one giant cosmic pissing match where a bunch of terrible stuff happened to Job . Now that I think of it, the plot line was not much unlike that of Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd. It’s one of those stories I learned about growing up in CCD that really pissed me off then and still does now.)
When it comes to mixability that is pretty simple too. A high quality product mixes pretty easily and should not require a gas powered blender to work properly:
(That is friggin awesome! The white trash side of me wants one of those so bad!)
Now when it comes to number three, the whole Fartability thing, that’s when the proverbial “Undergarments of the Issue” start to get a little murky. Not to try and one up a legend that walks (i.e. Paul Check) but here is my quote when it comes to the “digestability” of certain Protein Powders:
“If you are leaving Stains in your Hanes then it might be time to move on with your life. Either that or you should switch to eating chicken.”
So saideth Mike Cruickshank whose wearing of Hanes denotes the fact that he lives a much lower tax bracket than Paul Chek.
(Even Pauly D can’t tolerate a pair of dirty underwear hence why he walks around on camera with a pair attached to end of a stick. Nobody ever said he made the smartest of choices in life.)
It turns out that some of the cheaper products out there tend to be made of less quality ingredients and/or are not processed very well thereby when they hit your digestive tract bad things start to happen. Hence some of the underwear issues that the Moms, Wives and Girlfriends of these “Monsters of Muscle” tend to complain about as they sift through the laundry:
(Dirty underwear is Joe Weider Principle #2. It sits right between Principle #1 which is respiration and Principle #3 which is split routines. God I love Bodybuilding!)
Now while the only way to figure out how your body agrees with a given Protein Powder is to drink it there are some things you can look for on the label that might save you some unwanted trial and error.
What you are looking for when it comes to quality are primarily “Isolates” which represent a higher level of purification. Less purification = more trips to the underwear aisle at Walmart. You also want to look for Hydrosylates which are protein isolates that are processed further into more basic “parts”. This allows the protein to be absorbed faster which has some definite benefits not limited to less skid marking. When you see the word “Concentrates” that is not necessarily a terrible thing, it just means the purification is not as high.
While knowing any of this will not guarantee so save your tighty whitey budget it is a good place to start.
As far as all that other crap is concerned with the growth factors etc. etc. etc. just know that it is really just that. A bunch of crappy marketing nonsense designed to sell you a product:
(The scary thing is, their marketing is that good.)
(Seriously, it is.)
The only thing that protein powders are good for, at least when it comes to 99.999 % of the population, is as a decent substitute as a source of protein when you either cannot get to, cannot easily digest or you are just plain sick of eating regular food. This can be quite understandable in Buck O’Five’s case since the average young guy needs to eat the equivalent of his bodyweight in grams of protein every single day, along with a rigorous weight training program, for anywhere from two to ten years non stop in order to build a quality physique. I guess you can see how the sole consumption of dead animals, day in and day out for years on end, could eventually get a little tiresome in that regard.
Last but not least I want to address the whole “Celebrity Bodybuilder” angle:
(This is Jay Cutler. He is a multiple time Mr. Olympia and a hell of a nice guy. According to the powers that be he drinks a lot of this stuff…)
(Which is supposedly largely responsible for why he is a big as he is. Too bad they can’t explain for…)
(His incredible Genetics. His incredible, almost psychotic work ethic in the gym for the last 25 plus years or those pesky vials of whatever the hell that is which reside in the butter drawer of his fridge.)
Enough said.
Hope that helps.
Till next time,
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (That’s right! The stomach virus is gone baby!)
Mike Cruickshank
(At least in the movies the Big Cheeses get their just due for choosing to entertain themselves by screwing with peoples lives.)
