(Authors Note: This blog was actually supposed to be about a shoulder injury a cousin of mine had suffered. I was going to title the entry “Shoulder Injuries: A conversation between a Dirtbag Rangers Fan and a Dirtbag Flyers Fan”. The problem is I got a piece of reader mail today which was so over the top it needed to be addressed right now. Sorry Joe, I will get back to you ASAP.)
(If there is one thing every Dirtbag Rangers Fan and Every Dirtbag Flyers Fan can agree on is that we are both glad we are not Devils Fans. I find this kind of ironic given the fact that since 1995 the New Jersey Devils have won three Stanley Cups. In that same time span the Flyers and Rangers have won a collective zero. There is just something so off putting about a team that is so successful with a living legend at Goalie not being able to consistently fill their building. Seriously Devils Fans, and I am talking to you Matt Aust, get your act together.)
Hey Pencil Neck! (Authors note: I assume this is me.)
I want to get Huuuuuuuge! (Authors note: I think this is how a really insecure person with a very small penis spells the word “Huge”.) I want to get ripped! I want to get freaky! I want to be so big and strong and scary that people walk down the opposite side of the street when they see me. I want to have to be brought to school in a cage! That is how frighteningly big I want to be!
Recently I got a hold of this program that promises to “Double my muscle gains, make my scrawny legs into WHEELS (Authors note: Wheels is small penis language for big legs) and make sure I never stop gaining size and strength..EVER! It promises I can do all this while still losing fat so chicks can see my abs and dig me while their boyfriends run away in fear.
(Those above are what are known as “Wheels”. They are almost as desirable as they are impressive. What do you think?)
Put that in your pipe and smoke it you Tough Guy! Bet you could never design a program that awesome!
Signed,
Melvin
Dear Melvin,
You got one thing right. I admit that it is entirely beyond my capability to design a program that awesome. I think even if I found a Genie in a Lamp I couldn’t make a wish grand enough to match that one:
(I have always thought of myself as a really good trainer but even I know my limitations.)
The funny thing is Melvin, I once felt the same as you. At one time in my life I wanted to be huge, granted I didn’t spell it the same way you do, but then again I always made up for my inadequacies with sarcasm so to each his own.
It all started for me in mid 1986 which was the first time I ever saw the Movie “Commando” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger:
(It is hard to believe that something so awesome…)
(…Could come out of something so strange. My families first VHS Recorder looked just like this and weighed about 100lbs.)
It was at that point in my ten year old life I knew I wanted to be BIG! I am not exactly sure what it was about that movie that had such an effect on me although I do know that Commando is like the Citizen Kane of meathead flicks.
Besides the fact that Arnold is just so plain awesome I guess I was drawn into the fact that during the film he was able to solve all of life’s problems by picking them up over his head and throwing them:
(Yes that is Arnold and yes that is a telephone booth he is picking up over his head and throwing across the Mall. You kids out there have to remember that this was during a time before cell phones. I guess the stupid machine should have just given him his quarter back.)
Take for instance the time a band of International Terrorist’s kidnapped Arnold’s daughter (played by the beautiful Alyssa Milano) and held her for ransom:
(Remarkably enough the mid 1980′s saw a massive rise in the sale of hand lotions and cremes. No one is exactly sure why that happened. However one thing is for damn sure; She still is the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.)
A lesser man would have folded under the pressure but not Arnold. No, instead he jumped out of 747 mid take off and then if that wasn’t enough he went back on his word and took the guy he promised to kill last and he killed him first:
(Poor David Patrick Kelly. Arnold claimed his biggest problem was gravity but in reality this man just couldn’t get a decent role. First he get’s stabbed by Michael Beck and then Bludgeoned to death by a gang of black guys with hockey sticks in “The Warriors. Then he get’s killed during stage IV sleep by Dennis Quaid in “Dream Scape”. And if that all wasn’t bad enough he gets dropped off the edge of a cliff in Commando. Guy just can’t catch a break.)
Melvin, as wonderful as this may all sound I have to tell you that eventually I became disenchanted with the idea of becoming huge. After reading my reasons I would ask you to consider doing so too. Now I can’t speak for you but in my case you could call it maturity or a refocus in life priorities but I believe my desire to no longer be massive came down to these three things:
1. I realized that I could do every steroid on Planet Earth and I still would never look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:
(To claim steroids were the sole reason for Arnold’s, Barry Bonds or any other accomplished athlete’s success is a myopic statement at best. Still they would have never accomplished all they did without them. On the flip side anybody who tries to tell you that you can get huge and ripped at the same time let alone in a hurry without using drugs is straight out lying.)
2. Being huge and ripped, I mean really huge and ripped like a pro bodybuilder, requires some pretty incredible genetics regardless of how hard you work or how many drugs you take:
(This is a photo of a young Arnold pre-Steroids. That is a pretty incredible physique for such a young man. He has a better body here than most people who work out their entire lives. Hard work yes but biology certainly does contribute a lot.)
(This is a photo of a young Arnold right after winning his sixth Mr. Olympia title. He is seen here smoking pot, drinking beer and eating fried chicken. I am not sure what this has to do with anything, I just find it funny.)
3. Last but not least I also realized I simply do not have a single minded drive that is strong enough to do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal, regardless of the consequences or who get’s hurt along the way. I am a pretty driven guy admittedly but there is a point in the road you come to where you have to say “enough”.
This one was tough for me to admit at first because I saw this attitude as some kind of moral deficiency. But the reality is that if you want to live a balanced life something has got to give. While out of all the things I listed here this is the one you have the most control over I have to tell you that since I made my decision to turn my back on “being the best” I have never regretted it for one second:
(Ask them how I feel about not being at the gym 16 hours a day. Regrets…I have few, but this is not one of them.)
So there you have it Melvin. I wish you best of luck with your goals and your new program. I just hope once you climb the ladder to success you don’t realize it was leaning against the wrong wall the entire time.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
(This is Stallone today, plus or minus a couple extra pounds of head mass thanks to his decades long use of steroids and growth hormone. I personally think he looks like the missing link these days, regardless of how “ripped” he might be. To show you how messed up the “World of Huge” is I was once on a bodybuilding forum where somebody tried to convince me how good Stallone looks. It was like arguing with an anorexic person about Karen Carpenter being too thin.)
(This is Karen Carpenter. She had the voice of angel before complications from Anorexia took her life. You may think she looks very different from people like Stallone and Schwarzenegger or how Melvin aspires to be, but the reality is when it comes to body image issues they both sit very closely on the same side of the fence.)
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