Hey Gang,
So the other day I get this message on Facebook. I got defriended by somebody. Getting defriended on Facebook is almost as low as it gets. In fact the only thing lower short of being forced to eat out of dumpster or being friends with Jerry Novack, The Red Headed Boogie Child, and Me (that is an inside joke dedicated specifically to my friend Jerry Novack, you are not meant to understand it), is getting defriended on Facebook and getting a message attached letting you know about it. It hurts kind of like jumping onto a bicycle with the seat missing (Naked Gun).
But so I digress. You see, there is this trainer from the great state of Ohio who wanted to let me know how embarrassed he was that we share the same profession and that because of this he could no longer be my Facebook Friend.
Yeah, Really.
But wait, the Psycho stew gets thicker and with more ingredients added.
This trainer, let's call him Uptight Larry, read this blog and determined that after my vacation email and my roast pork sandwich post, that I was worse than a bad trainer. This threw me into a state of confusion since I am not sure how that state of being is possible. I one time saw a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and he had more pride than a bad personal trainer, let alone somebody who is worse than a bad personal trainer.
Uptight Larry informed me that it is bad enough that people eat foods like that but what is even worse is when a member of the fitness profession encourages eating such foods. If not even by suggestion, Larry said, but by a tacit approval through consuming those foods by oneself you are setting a bad example for the general public and that cannot be tolerated.
Uptight Larry informed me that not only does he not “LET” his clients eat those foods, he doesn’t even “LET” them microwave their foods either since it according to him “Leaches and Kills important nutrients from the diet guaranteeing that you will have a weight problem and be set for a life riddled with poor health and disease”.
No crap.
Now I think Larry has a problem and it just starts with his need to “Not Let” people do stuff.
You see, I feel bad for Uptight Larry; I really do, because down deep I feel he has the potential to be one of the finest people I have never met. In fact, before Uptight Larry, I am not sure if I ever met somebody worthy enough that I could have devoted an entire blog post too. So in honor of the greatness that is Uptight Larry and all those other health nut put your nose up at sugar, fat and alcohol wannabe benevolent dictators I want to give one bit of free advice.
You need to watch the movie Grease
Homosexuality
No, this isn’t going to be some crude “Get Travolta out of the closet” reference. In fact I think we need to leave Travolta alone and give the man some respect. I know he is all bloated and crazy and stuff but at one time that guy could really dance. That should mean something.
Anyway, about eleven years ago I was training this guy, let’s call him Mike. Mike was and still is by all accounts a homosexual. Since I was young and stupid and didn’t know many openly homosexual people at that point I asked Mike a very thoughtful if not stupid question. Given the fact that I wanted to understand Mike better I asked him when was the first time he realized he was gay. Taken aback by this Mike retorted “When was the first time you knew that you were straight!”
That was a big mistake on his part because when you have a dude whose brain is as twisted as mine is you are going to get an answer to that question. I do remember the moment when I knew I was straight.
It happened when my family got its first VCR in the early 80’s. I remember that VCR because it weighed like 100lbs and was thick enough to stop a 50 caliber round. It had one of those pop top ejector cassette tops, a real survivor of the earlier VHS versus BETA wars.
Either way, one day I was watching the movie Grease and I couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7 years old. Now before we go any further don’t get pissed at my parents over letting a little kid watch Grease. Ninety Nine percent of that damn movie went completely over my head. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized how messed up and heavy some of the subject matter was. In fact I remember wondering why Rizzo was at the drive in movie when it was well known around town that she had a bun in the oven. I couldn’t figure out how she expected to get home in time before her bun got burned and ruined. I remember thinking that when I get old enough and have my own oven I was going to make buns every day. Pillsbury cinnamon buns at that because as a child my mom only let me have them but once a month.
But where were we? Oh yeah, so Grease is on the whole time and I am completely bored by Sandra Dee (Olivia Newton John) until that scene at the end where she comes out and she is that naughty little whore and I said to my six year old self “I like that”.
I had no idea why but there was something about her in those friggin pants. It drove me nuts. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I grew up in Central Jersey, I just don't know.
Upon telling my client Mike this he admitted that Grease was a turning point for him too as a child. Not because he wanted a hickie from Kinickie (it’s like a hallmark card) but that when he saw Olivia Newton John in those pants he didn’t want to get in them, he wanted to wear them.
Now to make already long story longer my point is this. From a very young age we are who were are and sometimes we have no control over that. My client Mike is Gay, I like hot chicks in tight black pants and I like roast pork Italian sandwiches. In fact, for the most part I like food. A lot. And nothing I try to do is going to change that. Now I could go Psycho like our buddy Uptight Larry and start dropping people off of Facebook and telling them what to eat and all but where would that get me. It would be like getting my client Mike a subscription to Playboy. It’s not going to change anything and if you read the works of guys like Carl Jung it might lead you to believe it would probably make things worse.
According to Jung we all have a shadow, a dark side (Mr. Jung should know given the fact he had a lady on the side for many years and she wasn't his wife) and the more we try to bury that shadow it the bigger and hairier it becomes. Kind off like a morally reprehensible Chia Pet that somebody just keeps on watering.
I like food a little bit much, so you could say that my love of food, well above and beyond it's need to nuture my body, is part of my shadow. But instead of trying to repress it, I will embrace it because it is part of my experience of life. That roast pork sandwich that I eat at every Flyers game is part of the life experience of the flyers game just like turkey is to thanksgiving or chocolate bunnies are to Easter or brisket is to Passover etc. etc.
Without that sandwich, which I must say god bless it and the city of Philadelphia from which is resides, the game experience would just not be the same.
Now granted I do it with half a brain in mind. I have my “cheat meals” but they are a some of the time thing, not an all of the time thing. In fact, before I even ever had a cheat meal I got lean enough that my body had the muscle and metabolism to handle it.
But to say that enjoying good food is wrong, that is just stupid. Throwing a bag of kittens is into a river is wrong. Robbing a bank is wrong. Those are moral decisions. Eating a cheeseburger with fries doesn’t even come close.
Take it from me, you have to come up for air every now and then or else you might wind up like Uptight Larry. Any time you try to bury your shadows bad things will happen. The way I look at it you have a choice. You can either identify and embrace who you are and find positive ways to work around the not so pretty parts or you can wind up like one of those repressed anti-homosexual and anti sex preachers who gets caught banging dudes in a bathroom at the airport or found with a dead hooker in your trunk.
Then again, it might also make you eligible to run for office. What the hell do I know.
Till next time, yours in chocolate chip cookies.
Mike Cruickshank
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
What I Ate 1/20
Meal 1:
Protein Shake = 2 scoops chocolate protein powder/Beverly Ultimate Muscle Protein mixed with ice and water
(I have been asked why I use this stuff as in "what does it do for me" of which the answer is "very little". All Protein powder does is offer you a convenient alternative to real food. It is in no way better nor does it have anything superior in it that will make you get any stronger or leaner any faster than if you were able to eat real food like chicken, steak, eggs etc. In fact I find real food works much better espcially when it comes to digestability as in you don't fart as much when you eat real food. Anybody who tells you different is probably looking for an angle more than they are telling you the truth. Either that or they don't care what you smell like nor do they have to wash your underwear on a regular basis but so I digress. Remember, there is no shortcut, their is no special secret, only the reality that there will always be somebody out there trying to make a profit from peoples desperate attempt to find a easier way to do things.)
Two slices of wheat toast with a little smuckers jelly
1 Vitamin Shoppe (there's that damn "E" again!) Ultimate Man Vitamin
(I have also been asked why I use this vitamin and does it really make me an ultimate man. Well let's just say that if Ponce De Leon searched for the fountain of youth, I am currently searching for the fountain of a little better than mediocrity so no, it doesn not make me an ultimate man. I only chose this vitamin because the vitamin shoppe is right across from the parking lot from home depot and this particular supplement is usually on sale and unlike most multivitamins it doesn't put me on the toilet as a result of nutrient overkill. So maybe in a roundabout kinda way it does make me a little more "ultimate" than the broke dude who when he is not stuck in the bathroom drives around new jersey all day buying vitamins.)
Meal 2:
200 grams marinated round steak (I chose to put steak in this meal because I used my shake for breakfast. I did this because I have been farty lately, and when I say farty I mean imagine if you had a broccolli and cheese omlette and washed it down with a pint of old school Bud. I think it is from all the eggs I have been eating every day. I have cut back to eggs 3 days a week and there has been a definite change in my natural gas output so much so that British Petroleum has cancelled their attempts to buy my butt)
1 apple
2 oz raisins (I chose these fruits because they are what I had in the house. There is no deeper meaning behind them).
Meal 3:
1 can of tuna (7 oz. of albacore because it is cheap and convenient and I am cheap and lazy)
1 baked potato
1 cup mixed vegetables (aspargus, broccoli, corn/once again their is no secret to this combination outside of the fact that it was what was on sale at BJ's Warehouse in Hamilton N.J.)
Meal 4:
180 grams round steak
4 quaker cheddar rice cakes (this meal is easy, quick, convenient, I already had the meat made and just pulled the rice cakes out of the pantry. I didn't have time to make a big meal because I was going out that night and this fit the bill perfectly. Meal = 1 carb and 1 protein with the occasional vegetable thrown in)
Meal 5 (eaten at the wells fargo arena at the flyers game)
1 Roast Pork "Italian" sandwhich comprised of roast pork, sharp provolone, broccolli rabe and stuffed with potato chips. Any of the pork, provolone, or brocolli that fell out of the oversized sandwhich was scooped up with the remaining chips at the bottom of the box the sandwhich came in. It's kind like pork nachos and it is awesome.
(Now before you diet nutjobs get your underwear in a bunch about a personal trainer eating such "bad" food let me jump the gun by telling you to go to hell right now. As will be stated in my next update, there is a deep, well thought out reason I eat this kind of food but the bottom line is that if you don't ever "come up for air" I don't really see the point in eating "healthy" all the time unless you have some kind of psychological illness which compulses you to eat "healthy" all the time. Either that or you are under the direct care of a physician who for whatever reason warns against it.
1 Large DIET COKE (Of course one would wash such an impressive meal down with DIET coke. I mean what else would one drink. That regular soda will kill ya don't ya know.)
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
Protein Shake = 2 scoops chocolate protein powder/Beverly Ultimate Muscle Protein mixed with ice and water
(I have been asked why I use this stuff as in "what does it do for me" of which the answer is "very little". All Protein powder does is offer you a convenient alternative to real food. It is in no way better nor does it have anything superior in it that will make you get any stronger or leaner any faster than if you were able to eat real food like chicken, steak, eggs etc. In fact I find real food works much better espcially when it comes to digestability as in you don't fart as much when you eat real food. Anybody who tells you different is probably looking for an angle more than they are telling you the truth. Either that or they don't care what you smell like nor do they have to wash your underwear on a regular basis but so I digress. Remember, there is no shortcut, their is no special secret, only the reality that there will always be somebody out there trying to make a profit from peoples desperate attempt to find a easier way to do things.)
Two slices of wheat toast with a little smuckers jelly
1 Vitamin Shoppe (there's that damn "E" again!) Ultimate Man Vitamin
(I have also been asked why I use this vitamin and does it really make me an ultimate man. Well let's just say that if Ponce De Leon searched for the fountain of youth, I am currently searching for the fountain of a little better than mediocrity so no, it doesn not make me an ultimate man. I only chose this vitamin because the vitamin shoppe is right across from the parking lot from home depot and this particular supplement is usually on sale and unlike most multivitamins it doesn't put me on the toilet as a result of nutrient overkill. So maybe in a roundabout kinda way it does make me a little more "ultimate" than the broke dude who when he is not stuck in the bathroom drives around new jersey all day buying vitamins.)
Meal 2:
200 grams marinated round steak (I chose to put steak in this meal because I used my shake for breakfast. I did this because I have been farty lately, and when I say farty I mean imagine if you had a broccolli and cheese omlette and washed it down with a pint of old school Bud. I think it is from all the eggs I have been eating every day. I have cut back to eggs 3 days a week and there has been a definite change in my natural gas output so much so that British Petroleum has cancelled their attempts to buy my butt)
1 apple
2 oz raisins (I chose these fruits because they are what I had in the house. There is no deeper meaning behind them).
Meal 3:
1 can of tuna (7 oz. of albacore because it is cheap and convenient and I am cheap and lazy)
1 baked potato
1 cup mixed vegetables (aspargus, broccoli, corn/once again their is no secret to this combination outside of the fact that it was what was on sale at BJ's Warehouse in Hamilton N.J.)
Meal 4:
180 grams round steak
4 quaker cheddar rice cakes (this meal is easy, quick, convenient, I already had the meat made and just pulled the rice cakes out of the pantry. I didn't have time to make a big meal because I was going out that night and this fit the bill perfectly. Meal = 1 carb and 1 protein with the occasional vegetable thrown in)
Meal 5 (eaten at the wells fargo arena at the flyers game)
1 Roast Pork "Italian" sandwhich comprised of roast pork, sharp provolone, broccolli rabe and stuffed with potato chips. Any of the pork, provolone, or brocolli that fell out of the oversized sandwhich was scooped up with the remaining chips at the bottom of the box the sandwhich came in. It's kind like pork nachos and it is awesome.
(Now before you diet nutjobs get your underwear in a bunch about a personal trainer eating such "bad" food let me jump the gun by telling you to go to hell right now. As will be stated in my next update, there is a deep, well thought out reason I eat this kind of food but the bottom line is that if you don't ever "come up for air" I don't really see the point in eating "healthy" all the time unless you have some kind of psychological illness which compulses you to eat "healthy" all the time. Either that or you are under the direct care of a physician who for whatever reason warns against it.
1 Large DIET COKE (Of course one would wash such an impressive meal down with DIET coke. I mean what else would one drink. That regular soda will kill ya don't ya know.)
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Elvis, the toilet, Jon Bon Jovi and Me.
Question of the Week:
Mike, I read an article that said I should weigh 130lbs. It talked about this thing called the Body Mass Index (BMI). What gives? I am a little nervous because right now I weigh 150lbs. If I don’t lose 20lbs am I going to die young, fat, and on the toilet like the King.
Signed,
Frustrated in Central Jersey
Dear Frustrated,
It is not yet noon as I type this and it is way too early for a dead Elvis on the pooper reference. But, relative to Wyatt’s brother Chet from Weird Science, I am a pretty nice guy. So nice that I will give you some free advice and not demand the $180 in crisp, clean, new bills that Chet charged Wyatt to not tell his parents that he was wearing women’s underwear (If you are not a child of the 80’s please feel free to skip that last reference).
Your problem is not your weight, the body mass index or some other obscure mathematical chart contrived by an actuary who is so introverted he is too shy to have a conversation with a house plant.
No, you just never had a Jon Bon Jovi moment like I did the other day. Let me explain.
Me and Jon Bon
The other morning I woke up at 5:00 (that is in the a.m. This is not the Jersey Shore on MTV) to train some guy in his basement. Who the guy was is not important, and no, it wasn’t Jon Bon Jovi. What is important is that was cold and dark as hell outside. It was one of the coldest and darkest days of the winter. Being half in a stupor before even a rooster would be dumb enough to wake up I had to be up on my feet, with my teeth brushed and my brain mentally ready to yell at somebody to do pushups for the next hour.
At some time during this ordeal I thought to myself that twenty one years ago when I first walked into the weight room at Woodbridge High School I should not have picked up a dumbbell. No, what I should have done is turned my skinny pale butt around, walked right out the door and picked up a guitar instead. Hell, it’s worked out pretty well for Jon Bon Jovi and he is from Sayreville. Please note this is not a knock on the fine people of Sayreville. It is just a point of common reference because if you didn’t know Sayreville basically shares the same gene pool as Woodbridge, Edison and the rest of Central Jersey for that matter. My point is, from a basic sociological standpoint, Jon Bon Jovi is no better or worse than I am.
And then the mental drama began. Whine, whine, whine because I am sure Jon Bon doesn’t have to get up at 5 a.m. and yell at people and he gets to live in big house, with really high hair, and have lots of groupies.
But then the cold sting of reality hit me in the face. It was either that or the damn wind chill that was hovering around -10 degrees.
I can’t even play a harmonica, let alone awesome music on a guitar. And I can’t sing. When I do so in the shower the bar of soap gives me more crap about it than when I lather up my under carriage (Yes, my voice is that bad). And composing music, hell I can barely get this blog done every week, let alone write songs that sold something like 50 million albums over the last 25 years.
Any you know what? So what! I like yelling at people and lifting weights. It’s what I am good at. It’s my gift.
The bottom line is I shouldn’t have picked up a guitar or done anything different than what I did because those dreams, as grandiose and blissful as they are in the world of fantasy, are not who I am.
I am not a rock star, or an Olympic downhill gold medal skier, or fast enough to play in the NFL and make millions. Five foot nine and 170lbs (which is what I should weigh according to the BMI Chart) is not who I am either (I weigh a little around 205lbs which makes me obese according to “them”). My predominant ancestry comes from a land of stocky people with big knees who like to eat lots of brown and white food. Think about that for a second. Big knees and Brown and white food doesn’t necessarily set the stage for being slight of build.
The same goes for your weight because when it comes to what you should weigh, that’s (to quote Miss Mona Lisa Vito) a f****** trick question.
If you want to lose weight, gain weight, or whatever your fitness goal is, the act of shoulding all over yourself, especially when it comes from the basis of unrealistic standards and not positive actions, is going to make you wind up in the same place as if you messed with Edwin Rooney which is a one way ticket to nowhere (Ferris Bueller)!
Instead of worrying about what you should weigh, you need to start thinking about what you should be doing. When I first hired my personal trainer, a guy named Scott Abel, he never asked me what I thought I should weigh because Scott Abel is way too experienced for that. He simply asked me what my goal was (to lose some body fat) and then set up a diet and exercise program to help me accomplish what I set out to do. What I weighed was irrelevant to the process at hand. So instead of saying “I should be 170lbs” which wouldn’t work because it is both physiologically as well as socially impossible for me (never underestimate the latter portion but more about that later) I instead focused on the following:
My first meal should have 3 eggs and two slices of toast with a little jelly on it. Now what should I do? I should get my butt into the kitchen to make sure I have 3 eggs, toast, jelly and the knowledge and equipment to make that happen (in this case it was nothing major, just some boiling water for the eggs and a toaster).
And what about my next meal (since there are five of them prescribed in my eating plan)? My next meal should have a protein shake and two or three pieces of fruit. Well, if I should have three pieces of fruit a day it would logically fit that I need 21 pieces of fruit in my house to make it to the end of the week, wouldn’t it? Do I have 21 pieces of fruit in my house? If the answer is no then I need to get my butt to shop rite and buy 21 pieces of fruit and not just any pieces of fruit but pieces of fruit that I actually like. If I didn’t know what fruits I like then what I should do is get a bunch of different fruit and figure that out. Do I own any protein powder? Yes I do but I stopped drinking it because it tasted terrible. What should I do? Find some freaking protein powder that I actually like and get a lot of it in my house.
Please note that so far none of what I should be doing involves a scale and weighing myself.
Meals number three through five are all pretty much the same. Some type of protein (beef, chicken, or fish), some type of carbohydrate (pasta, rice, potato) and some type of vegetable (take your pick). The only catch is that because of my goal (fat loss) and my personal issue of portion sizes (those always trick me up in that I always overestimate the protein and underestimate the carbohydrate servings). I have specific amounts of how much of those foods I should be eating.
Do I own a food scale? No? Well then I need to go visit my buddy Kelly over at ACE Housewares in the Princeton Shopping Center and get myself a food scale. Do you need a food scale? How the hell am I supposed to know? Do you have the same problems with portions that I do? If you do then maybe you should go visit Kelly too.
Now that I have my cool OXO food scale, what should I do? Find out if I have the proteins or carbs in my house. Now once I have those protein and carbs what I should do is ask myself if I have a way to prepare these foods in a matter that doesn’t blow the calories out the door and still allows me to enjoy them? If not then what I should be doing is asking around, going on the web, or going to the book store and finding some resource that tells me just how to do that (You can also check here periodically for ideas like the meat over pasta meal or my steak marinade).
Do you get my point yet? I hope so because I am sick of typing and this chair is hurting my back.
In closing, I don’t think you have to stop using the word should as much as you need to apply it in the right context. Focus more on actions versus standards and outcomes or as the shrinks would say “Become Process Oriented”. If you do then you will never have to worry about a trip to the land of sequin jumpsuits, barbiturates, and endless fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Thanks,
Mike Cruickshank
Mike, I read an article that said I should weigh 130lbs. It talked about this thing called the Body Mass Index (BMI). What gives? I am a little nervous because right now I weigh 150lbs. If I don’t lose 20lbs am I going to die young, fat, and on the toilet like the King.
Signed,
Frustrated in Central Jersey
Dear Frustrated,
It is not yet noon as I type this and it is way too early for a dead Elvis on the pooper reference. But, relative to Wyatt’s brother Chet from Weird Science, I am a pretty nice guy. So nice that I will give you some free advice and not demand the $180 in crisp, clean, new bills that Chet charged Wyatt to not tell his parents that he was wearing women’s underwear (If you are not a child of the 80’s please feel free to skip that last reference).
Your problem is not your weight, the body mass index or some other obscure mathematical chart contrived by an actuary who is so introverted he is too shy to have a conversation with a house plant.
No, you just never had a Jon Bon Jovi moment like I did the other day. Let me explain.
Me and Jon Bon
The other morning I woke up at 5:00 (that is in the a.m. This is not the Jersey Shore on MTV) to train some guy in his basement. Who the guy was is not important, and no, it wasn’t Jon Bon Jovi. What is important is that was cold and dark as hell outside. It was one of the coldest and darkest days of the winter. Being half in a stupor before even a rooster would be dumb enough to wake up I had to be up on my feet, with my teeth brushed and my brain mentally ready to yell at somebody to do pushups for the next hour.
At some time during this ordeal I thought to myself that twenty one years ago when I first walked into the weight room at Woodbridge High School I should not have picked up a dumbbell. No, what I should have done is turned my skinny pale butt around, walked right out the door and picked up a guitar instead. Hell, it’s worked out pretty well for Jon Bon Jovi and he is from Sayreville. Please note this is not a knock on the fine people of Sayreville. It is just a point of common reference because if you didn’t know Sayreville basically shares the same gene pool as Woodbridge, Edison and the rest of Central Jersey for that matter. My point is, from a basic sociological standpoint, Jon Bon Jovi is no better or worse than I am.
And then the mental drama began. Whine, whine, whine because I am sure Jon Bon doesn’t have to get up at 5 a.m. and yell at people and he gets to live in big house, with really high hair, and have lots of groupies.
But then the cold sting of reality hit me in the face. It was either that or the damn wind chill that was hovering around -10 degrees.
I can’t even play a harmonica, let alone awesome music on a guitar. And I can’t sing. When I do so in the shower the bar of soap gives me more crap about it than when I lather up my under carriage (Yes, my voice is that bad). And composing music, hell I can barely get this blog done every week, let alone write songs that sold something like 50 million albums over the last 25 years.
Any you know what? So what! I like yelling at people and lifting weights. It’s what I am good at. It’s my gift.
The bottom line is I shouldn’t have picked up a guitar or done anything different than what I did because those dreams, as grandiose and blissful as they are in the world of fantasy, are not who I am.
I am not a rock star, or an Olympic downhill gold medal skier, or fast enough to play in the NFL and make millions. Five foot nine and 170lbs (which is what I should weigh according to the BMI Chart) is not who I am either (I weigh a little around 205lbs which makes me obese according to “them”). My predominant ancestry comes from a land of stocky people with big knees who like to eat lots of brown and white food. Think about that for a second. Big knees and Brown and white food doesn’t necessarily set the stage for being slight of build.
The same goes for your weight because when it comes to what you should weigh, that’s (to quote Miss Mona Lisa Vito) a f****** trick question.
If you want to lose weight, gain weight, or whatever your fitness goal is, the act of shoulding all over yourself, especially when it comes from the basis of unrealistic standards and not positive actions, is going to make you wind up in the same place as if you messed with Edwin Rooney which is a one way ticket to nowhere (Ferris Bueller)!
Instead of worrying about what you should weigh, you need to start thinking about what you should be doing. When I first hired my personal trainer, a guy named Scott Abel, he never asked me what I thought I should weigh because Scott Abel is way too experienced for that. He simply asked me what my goal was (to lose some body fat) and then set up a diet and exercise program to help me accomplish what I set out to do. What I weighed was irrelevant to the process at hand. So instead of saying “I should be 170lbs” which wouldn’t work because it is both physiologically as well as socially impossible for me (never underestimate the latter portion but more about that later) I instead focused on the following:
My first meal should have 3 eggs and two slices of toast with a little jelly on it. Now what should I do? I should get my butt into the kitchen to make sure I have 3 eggs, toast, jelly and the knowledge and equipment to make that happen (in this case it was nothing major, just some boiling water for the eggs and a toaster).
And what about my next meal (since there are five of them prescribed in my eating plan)? My next meal should have a protein shake and two or three pieces of fruit. Well, if I should have three pieces of fruit a day it would logically fit that I need 21 pieces of fruit in my house to make it to the end of the week, wouldn’t it? Do I have 21 pieces of fruit in my house? If the answer is no then I need to get my butt to shop rite and buy 21 pieces of fruit and not just any pieces of fruit but pieces of fruit that I actually like. If I didn’t know what fruits I like then what I should do is get a bunch of different fruit and figure that out. Do I own any protein powder? Yes I do but I stopped drinking it because it tasted terrible. What should I do? Find some freaking protein powder that I actually like and get a lot of it in my house.
Please note that so far none of what I should be doing involves a scale and weighing myself.
Meals number three through five are all pretty much the same. Some type of protein (beef, chicken, or fish), some type of carbohydrate (pasta, rice, potato) and some type of vegetable (take your pick). The only catch is that because of my goal (fat loss) and my personal issue of portion sizes (those always trick me up in that I always overestimate the protein and underestimate the carbohydrate servings). I have specific amounts of how much of those foods I should be eating.
Do I own a food scale? No? Well then I need to go visit my buddy Kelly over at ACE Housewares in the Princeton Shopping Center and get myself a food scale. Do you need a food scale? How the hell am I supposed to know? Do you have the same problems with portions that I do? If you do then maybe you should go visit Kelly too.
Now that I have my cool OXO food scale, what should I do? Find out if I have the proteins or carbs in my house. Now once I have those protein and carbs what I should do is ask myself if I have a way to prepare these foods in a matter that doesn’t blow the calories out the door and still allows me to enjoy them? If not then what I should be doing is asking around, going on the web, or going to the book store and finding some resource that tells me just how to do that (You can also check here periodically for ideas like the meat over pasta meal or my steak marinade).
Do you get my point yet? I hope so because I am sick of typing and this chair is hurting my back.
In closing, I don’t think you have to stop using the word should as much as you need to apply it in the right context. Focus more on actions versus standards and outcomes or as the shrinks would say “Become Process Oriented”. If you do then you will never have to worry about a trip to the land of sequin jumpsuits, barbiturates, and endless fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Thanks,
Mike Cruickshank
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Meat Over Pasta Inside Edition Style!
Hey Gang,
I have gotten a couple questions about the Meat Over Pasta Recipe. Here it is again, in depth:
Ingredients:
1 package of ground sirloin, ground chicken or ground turkey breast (or any type of meat although I am not sure how meatless options would work with this and other options like sausage would throw the calories out the window)
1/2 to 1 whole jar of Tomato Sauce (you can make this yourself but I have no motivation. For example, there have been three cans of San marazano tomatoes in my pantry for two years now and still haven't "gotten to it")
1 Zucchini (I never spell this right, damn you spell check...stop judging me!)
1 Onion
1/2 bag of baby spinach (Basically when it comes to the vegetables it really is whatever floats your boat. These just happen to be the ones I enjoy because once they are cooked I find them the least "intrusive")
2 tablespoons minced garlic (I use the jar because I could give a crap about smashing and cutting up whole garlic. Now before you lambaste me for being a cooking punk please reread the part about those can's of tomatoes gathering dust in my pantry. The whole garlic thing is just not going to happen in this lifetime or any other cause I am just really not that into cooking. Eating yes, but cooking, no.)
1 to 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (don't use any of that morally questionable "non virgin" olive oil, it's not worth the risk)
onion powder, garlic powder, salt, pepper, oregano, parsley, chopped onion, basil
1. Heat olive oil in a pan over med/low heat. Saute garlic, and then add in onion and zucchini and cook till they are soft. It is at this point you do not want to set a bad tone for the meal by lighting yourself on fire so go easy on the oil and the heat and wear non flammable clothing while cooking (I find the latter to be a general recommendation since I do not know what the appeal of flammable clothing would be).
2. Once the vegetables are "softened" add in the spices. The spices are done by eye so I have no idea how much you want to add since it is all based on personal taste. I would guess a half a teaspoon of each would be a good start.
3. Add in the meat and make sure it is browned all the way through or else you stand the chance of dying a miserable, horrible retching death on the toilet.
4. Once the meat is browned add in the sauce and spinach.
5. Let it all simmer together for 10 to 20 minutes to allow the flavors to combine. This meal actually tastes better as left overs since there is more time for the flavors to come together. Now if you believe my buddy Dan who eschews such quick cooking times and has the inclination and mental toughness to watch this thing over the stove all day I would tell you to put it on low heat and simmer it for an hour but let's not push it. I am not Dan and neither are you. Twenty minutes should be fine. You can keep the leftovers in tupperwear for a couple of days or freeze them in a ziploc bag. This meal defrosts very nicely.
Serve the meat/vegetable mixture over some type of grain, usually rice or preferably pasta. The average male would require a serving of 200 to 250 grams of pasta and 200 to 250 grams of the meat/veggie mix. The average female would be 150 to 200 grams of pasta and an equivalent amount of meat/veggies. This serving size is only an estimate, because you could have a really large women (yeah that's right, I said it. Large women need meat over pasta too) and a really small man and the serving sizes would be reversed based on body size.
As with all portion sizes there really is no one size fits all since counting calories is almost always inaccurate, boring and will not make you very popular at parties. You will simply have to judge your results relative to your goals (i.e. lose weight, gain weight, maintain weight etc) and then adjust your portion sizes accordingly.
Thanks,
Mike
I have gotten a couple questions about the Meat Over Pasta Recipe. Here it is again, in depth:
Ingredients:
1 package of ground sirloin, ground chicken or ground turkey breast (or any type of meat although I am not sure how meatless options would work with this and other options like sausage would throw the calories out the window)
1/2 to 1 whole jar of Tomato Sauce (you can make this yourself but I have no motivation. For example, there have been three cans of San marazano tomatoes in my pantry for two years now and still haven't "gotten to it")
1 Zucchini (I never spell this right, damn you spell check...stop judging me!)
1 Onion
1/2 bag of baby spinach (Basically when it comes to the vegetables it really is whatever floats your boat. These just happen to be the ones I enjoy because once they are cooked I find them the least "intrusive")
2 tablespoons minced garlic (I use the jar because I could give a crap about smashing and cutting up whole garlic. Now before you lambaste me for being a cooking punk please reread the part about those can's of tomatoes gathering dust in my pantry. The whole garlic thing is just not going to happen in this lifetime or any other cause I am just really not that into cooking. Eating yes, but cooking, no.)
1 to 2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (don't use any of that morally questionable "non virgin" olive oil, it's not worth the risk)
onion powder, garlic powder, salt, pepper, oregano, parsley, chopped onion, basil
1. Heat olive oil in a pan over med/low heat. Saute garlic, and then add in onion and zucchini and cook till they are soft. It is at this point you do not want to set a bad tone for the meal by lighting yourself on fire so go easy on the oil and the heat and wear non flammable clothing while cooking (I find the latter to be a general recommendation since I do not know what the appeal of flammable clothing would be).
2. Once the vegetables are "softened" add in the spices. The spices are done by eye so I have no idea how much you want to add since it is all based on personal taste. I would guess a half a teaspoon of each would be a good start.
3. Add in the meat and make sure it is browned all the way through or else you stand the chance of dying a miserable, horrible retching death on the toilet.
4. Once the meat is browned add in the sauce and spinach.
5. Let it all simmer together for 10 to 20 minutes to allow the flavors to combine. This meal actually tastes better as left overs since there is more time for the flavors to come together. Now if you believe my buddy Dan who eschews such quick cooking times and has the inclination and mental toughness to watch this thing over the stove all day I would tell you to put it on low heat and simmer it for an hour but let's not push it. I am not Dan and neither are you. Twenty minutes should be fine. You can keep the leftovers in tupperwear for a couple of days or freeze them in a ziploc bag. This meal defrosts very nicely.
Serve the meat/vegetable mixture over some type of grain, usually rice or preferably pasta. The average male would require a serving of 200 to 250 grams of pasta and 200 to 250 grams of the meat/veggie mix. The average female would be 150 to 200 grams of pasta and an equivalent amount of meat/veggies. This serving size is only an estimate, because you could have a really large women (yeah that's right, I said it. Large women need meat over pasta too) and a really small man and the serving sizes would be reversed based on body size.
As with all portion sizes there really is no one size fits all since counting calories is almost always inaccurate, boring and will not make you very popular at parties. You will simply have to judge your results relative to your goals (i.e. lose weight, gain weight, maintain weight etc) and then adjust your portion sizes accordingly.
Thanks,
Mike
Hey Gang,
Here is what I ate update for December 28th, the Back on Track Edition. Today's eating is the second day in a row of being "Back on Track". My next cheat/refeed/eat like a normal person/celebration meal with be on New Year's Day. There will be a second, "unscheduled" party time meal on Sunday night when we celebrate with the staff at the animal shelter for a year of successful adoptions. Please note what I said in the last email, the vacation edition, that it is what you do most of the time that counts. This second, unplanned event is an opportunity to celebrate life with people I have grown really close too over the last few years and that is what pleasure eating is really all about. It is not about sitting home alone watching Gray's Anatomy (my testosterone levels drop 10% if I even enter the room when that show is on) while crying into your Chocolate Covered Pretzel Ice Cream from Ben and Jerry's. That is not enjoying food, that is self medication.
Now when it comes to that extra meal I will enjoy it to the max (as you will read about next week) and will not feel one bit of guilt over it. Basically I have two meals out of 35 this week that will be calorie dense. Can't say I feel like that will be such a big deal.
But without further delay, here is what I ate today:
Meal 1 Breakfast:
3 hardboiled eggs (Two of which were goose eggs from my sisters hen house and they were disgusting but I was hungry and I ate them anyway. On a personal note I hated geese already for pooping all over Princeton and blocking traffic on Mapleton road. Now that I know that even their offspring taste horrible I find my self at a new level of disgust with their existence)
2 slices of trader joes double fiber wheat bread with a little smuckers jelly(I buy my wheat bread at trader joes because it costs more and it makes me better than people who shop at the regular grocery store because it shows I care more about the environment and sustainable, equitable farming practices. Either that or I was there to buy beef jerky and realized I was out of bread).
Meal 2 (Post Workout):
1 protein shake with 2 scoops of chocolate protein powder, ice, and water
1 apple
1 orange
1 oz. raisins
Meal 3:
1 Can of Tuna (7oz.)
1 serving of baked nathans fries (I am out of baking potatoes)
1 cup broccolli with sea salt (just threw a handful of frozen broccolli in a microwave safe dish, added in some water and then nuked it till it was done then added some sea salt for sodium flavored goodness).
Meal 4:
1 bag Trader Joes Beef Jerky
4 Quaker Cheddar Rice Cakes
Meal 5:
Not sure yet, the meat I need to marinate is not yet unfrozen but I pulled a bag of left over MOP out of the freezer last night so hopefully that will be defrosted by the time I get home. MOP = Meat over Pasta (see instructions below)
Meat Over Pasta:
Take 1 tbsp of olive oil and sautee 1/2 onion, 1 zucchinni, several cups of spinach, and 2 tablespoons of minced garlic
Add in 1 package of 90% or leaner organic ground meat (from shop rite) or 1 package of ground sirloin from McCafferty's or 1 package of ground turkey breast from either place. You can go as lean as you want with this one because all the vegetables and tomato sauce keep it moist. Brown the meal till it is cooked through in the same skillet as the vegetables.
Add in 1 can/jar of tomato sauce. I like Rao's marinara or that fat guy from the food network named Mario something or other which is also at McCafferty's (not the fat guy but his sauce).
Let all that cook together for 10 minutes then get a bowl the take add 200 to 250 grams for smaller people and 300 to 350 grams for bigger people of the meat/sauce/veggie mixture to 150 grams of pasta for smaller people or 200 grams of pasta for bigger people. This meal actually tastes better as left overs since all the flavors get a chance to mix together better.
Here is what I ate update for December 28th, the Back on Track Edition. Today's eating is the second day in a row of being "Back on Track". My next cheat/refeed/eat like a normal person/celebration meal with be on New Year's Day. There will be a second, "unscheduled" party time meal on Sunday night when we celebrate with the staff at the animal shelter for a year of successful adoptions. Please note what I said in the last email, the vacation edition, that it is what you do most of the time that counts. This second, unplanned event is an opportunity to celebrate life with people I have grown really close too over the last few years and that is what pleasure eating is really all about. It is not about sitting home alone watching Gray's Anatomy (my testosterone levels drop 10% if I even enter the room when that show is on) while crying into your Chocolate Covered Pretzel Ice Cream from Ben and Jerry's. That is not enjoying food, that is self medication.
Now when it comes to that extra meal I will enjoy it to the max (as you will read about next week) and will not feel one bit of guilt over it. Basically I have two meals out of 35 this week that will be calorie dense. Can't say I feel like that will be such a big deal.
But without further delay, here is what I ate today:
Meal 1 Breakfast:
3 hardboiled eggs (Two of which were goose eggs from my sisters hen house and they were disgusting but I was hungry and I ate them anyway. On a personal note I hated geese already for pooping all over Princeton and blocking traffic on Mapleton road. Now that I know that even their offspring taste horrible I find my self at a new level of disgust with their existence)
2 slices of trader joes double fiber wheat bread with a little smuckers jelly(I buy my wheat bread at trader joes because it costs more and it makes me better than people who shop at the regular grocery store because it shows I care more about the environment and sustainable, equitable farming practices. Either that or I was there to buy beef jerky and realized I was out of bread).
Meal 2 (Post Workout):
1 protein shake with 2 scoops of chocolate protein powder, ice, and water
1 apple
1 orange
1 oz. raisins
Meal 3:
1 Can of Tuna (7oz.)
1 serving of baked nathans fries (I am out of baking potatoes)
1 cup broccolli with sea salt (just threw a handful of frozen broccolli in a microwave safe dish, added in some water and then nuked it till it was done then added some sea salt for sodium flavored goodness).
Meal 4:
1 bag Trader Joes Beef Jerky
4 Quaker Cheddar Rice Cakes
Meal 5:
Not sure yet, the meat I need to marinate is not yet unfrozen but I pulled a bag of left over MOP out of the freezer last night so hopefully that will be defrosted by the time I get home. MOP = Meat over Pasta (see instructions below)
Meat Over Pasta:
Take 1 tbsp of olive oil and sautee 1/2 onion, 1 zucchinni, several cups of spinach, and 2 tablespoons of minced garlic
Add in 1 package of 90% or leaner organic ground meat (from shop rite) or 1 package of ground sirloin from McCafferty's or 1 package of ground turkey breast from either place. You can go as lean as you want with this one because all the vegetables and tomato sauce keep it moist. Brown the meal till it is cooked through in the same skillet as the vegetables.
Add in 1 can/jar of tomato sauce. I like Rao's marinara or that fat guy from the food network named Mario something or other which is also at McCafferty's (not the fat guy but his sauce).
Let all that cook together for 10 minutes then get a bowl the take add 200 to 250 grams for smaller people and 300 to 350 grams for bigger people of the meat/sauce/veggie mixture to 150 grams of pasta for smaller people or 200 grams of pasta for bigger people. This meal actually tastes better as left overs since all the flavors get a chance to mix together better.
Hey Gang,
In 2004, Philadelphia magazine surveyed 200 men and women. They were asked what movie this line came from:
"Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon,
lettuce and tomato sandwich".
For the men, 90 percent got the answer right and for the women 90 percent got the answer wrong (the answer is Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd). Now what this says about nature versus nurture or the roles of men and women in society relative to modern comedic cinema, I have no idea.
But considering myself "mostly a dude", like in the high ninetieth percentile range, it makes some sense as to why I find it much easier to communicate my thoughts through the brilliance of film than most any other medium.
So I would like to start this special edition of What I Ate by quoting a line from the 1994 film classic, Dumb and Dumber. One of my favorite moments is when Jeff Daniels character Harry Dunne laments about his failing career as a dog groomer. Harry stated that after he spent his life savings turning his van into a dog, it really "Chapped his ass" to have lost his job.
If you would permit me to vent a little here I want to tell you about something that really chaps my ass. That would be the subject of dieting on vacation and holidays.
Unless you are a French municipal worker, I cannot think of a single human being who spends enough time on vacation or holidays that what they eat would make that big of difference towards their overall health and fitness. Now please understand that I am not a doctor. Not even close since I wear shorts for a living. So if you are under the direct care of a physician who tells you that the deep fried turkey which Uncle Steve is planning to make this Thanksgiving will elevate your already high blood pressure to dangerous levels for too many days afterwords, then listen to your medical professional. Common sense would tell you this information does not necessarily apply to you.
But let me throw this little nugget of wisdom your way, call it Shank diet law number 1:
When it comes to eating to lose fat, it's what you do a majority of the time that makes a difference.
Now I want you to take a second and consider the gravity of what I just said because just like gravity it is a law and cannot be disputed (After the self aggrandizing insanity of that last statement I want you to picture me up on a balcony like Mussolini with my arms folded nodding my head in an ultimate state of self importance and self satisfaction).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0mSvc4UagM
OK, so while what I said isn't as fool proof as gravity it should at least clue you in to my dissatisfaction with the fitness industry which still insists on writing the same tired articles about "What you can do to make your holidays more healthy".
Sometimes I wish they would all just go away, all those misguided people in the industry who seem to miss the point. The holidays are about food, they are about family and they are about how we use food and family to celebrate this poop sandwhich we call life.
Forest Gump once said that "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get". Well I say the heck with that simpleton because to me life is sometimes like a poop sand which and every now and then we all have to take a big bite. I like to think about the holidays like a big glass of milk which helps me wash that poop Panini down and I will be damned if some fitness magazine or some tofu turkey loving S.O.B. is going to try and rob me of my glass of milk.
With that being said, here is an example of what I ate this past week while on my vacation in Miami Beach. Please note the degree and level of celebration. I will never be accused of not practicing what I preach. As a side note, I gained 12 pounds on this vacation and lost about 98% of it by the Monday of the following week. But more on the how's of that process later.
Dec. 14 (Tuesday)
Meal 1 or Breakfast
At garden State Diner at the Newark Airport. This place is awesome. It is in the C Terminal. I had a Denver/Western Omelet with some not very greasy breakfast potatoes and dry wheat toast. Please understand that I am not trying to get all wheat germy here on you with the veggies in the omelet or the lack of grease on the toast and potatoes. It's just I am not a very good traveler and I pay a terrible price if I try to eat crap while flying. You will read the evidence of that later, when I write about my trip home.
Meal 2 or Snack
On Plane (Jerky which I bought at a newsstand in the airport and two apples which I bought at a deli counter in terminal C)
Meal 3 or Lunch
At Hotel (Burger with lettuce and tomato and ketchup and a orange. I didn't eat the fries because I felt all sluggish from the flight and I needed to workout later that day and didn't want to be all "salty" for my lift)
Meal 4 or Dinner
At a restaurant called A Fish Called Avalon on Ocean Drive in Miami Beach. It was 38 freaking degrees that night and it was a bit of a walk from the hotel so I started off with a cup of hot tea to warm myself up and then had the following meal: A brined and seasoned chicken breast "skin and all" with a nice big serving a pasta mixed with marinara and variety of vegetables like green, yellow, orange peppers, asparagus, spinach, zucchini etc. It tasted awesome and resulted in some super smelly pee.
http://afishcalledavalon.com/
Dec. 15 (Wed.)
Meal 1 a.k.a. Breakfast
At Hotel: 3 egg omelet with spinach and mozz. cheese. two applewood chicken sausage links, 2 slices wheat toast, serving of breakfast potatoes, 1 cup Earl Grey Tea in honor of Jean Luc Picard. As a point of order, I am a member of the elite club of Star Trek fans who can bench over 300. Trust me, there aren't many of us. There are even fewer of us who don't still live in our parents basement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2IJdfxWtPM
Meal 2 a.k.a Lunch
At an Argentinian grill called Baires. This place was awesome and we found it by accident. According to some of the patrons it is where a lot of South Americans visiting Miami go to eat because of the authenticity of the food. Very tasty spices without a lot of grease and fat to mask the real flavor of the food. I had a 12 oz. piece of salmon, baked potato with sea salt and sauteed broccoli.
http://www.bairesgrill.com/
No snack because Lunch was late and I wasn't really hungry again till dinner.
Meal 3 a.k.a Dinner
At Red Steakhouse on Washington Ave. in South Beach. Two sourdough dinner rolls dipped in olive oil and seasonings, two or three large glasses of some Italian wine, a 24oz bone in rib steak with a side of caramelized onions and sauteed spinach and 5 large dough nut holes dipped in caramel and chocolate for desert.
http://redthesteakhouse.com/southbeach.html
Dec. 16 (Thursday)
Meal 1 Breakfast at Hotel: Western omelet with onions, peppers, ham, mozz. cheese, 2 slices wheat toast and a serving of breakfast potatoes. One cup of English Breakfast Tea.
Meal 2 Lunch
At Pool: Marinated grilled chicken breast with grey poop on, brioche bun. Diet Coke
Meal 3 Snack which was eaten post workout at the pool:
Turkey jerky because I was all red meat saturated from the night before and 1 orange from the hotel gym and 2 mini boxes of raisins which I bought at a Walgreen's across the street from the hotel.
Meal 4 Dinner
We went to "cruise" Lincoln Ave. in Miami Beach and wound up at some Pizza Place. I can't really remember the name of the place and neither do I care to. The pizza up here was much better but this was adequate since it is pretty hard to screw up pizza with pepperoni and sausage. You could probably smother me with Peperoni and Sausage and I would taste o.k. The only thing I remember was the guy in the front was named Mario and he swore his pizza was the best in town because it is made by "real" Italians (as opposed to "fake" Italians or whatever that means). I found this comment rather puzzling given the fact that the best piece of chicken parm I ever had was made by a Puerto Rican guy at Parkway Pizza in Trenton. But what do I know.
http://www.parkway-pizza.com/
We then finished off the night at the Ghiradelli Ice Cream and Chocolate Shoppe (That little "e" at the end is supposed to add class and sophistication or something but I think that's a bunch of B.S. You could call it Camden"e" New Jersey and it would still be a hell hole).
I had a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sundae of my own and then ate half of my girlfriends because she got sick from being too full. As could be considered a given, I had no such problems.
http://www.ghirardelli.com/shops/shop_locator.aspx
Dec. 17 (Friday)
Meal 1 Breakfast
At Hotel (same as DEC. 15, I am lazy and I am getting sick of typing right now)
Meal 2 Lunch
At Hotel (same as Dec. 16 cause it tasted so damn good)
Meal 3 Snack
At Pool post workout I had beef jerky and 1 apple that I took from the hotel gym and 2 more of those mini boxes of raisins.
Meal 4 Dinner
At Hotel: An $8 milk shake and damn was it worth it. Two dinner rolls with butter, 1 burger on a brioche bun with lettuce, tomato, ketchup and fries. I then beat the crap out of a bag of homemade candies from a ice cream and chocolate shop on Lincoln Ave. called Kilwins:
http://www.kilwins.com/
The list of victims included homemade peanut butter cups, several chocolate covered pretzels, a chocolate covered oreo, and 2 chocolate covered peanut butter caramels.
Dec. 18 (Saturday)
Meal 1 Breakfast I really needed to dry out at this point so I had 3 scrambled eggs and two pieces of dry wheat toast at the hotel with a cup of Earl Grey Tea.
Meal 2 Snack
At the Pool Postworkout: 1 bag beef jerky and 1 apple and two mini boxes of raisins.
Meal 3 Lunch
At the Pool I had grilled chicken breast, rice, broccoli. I was still kind of messed up at this point so I decided to eat light given the fact I was traveling later that day.
Meal 4 Dinner (kinda)
I waited till we got to the airport to have some dinner. This was a mistake. I saw a couple of slices of Peperoni Pizza at this chain joint called La Famiglia and I HAD to have them (what a dope). This turned out to not be a good idea. About 20 minutes later that grease bomb shot out like a bullet through my "La" small intestine and sent me to the "La" Toilet. To understand how messed up this was I had to eat a King Sized Snickers Bar to settle my gut down. When you need to eat one piece of junk food to balance out another piece of junk food you pretty much know your screwed. Next time I will just go to the deli my girlfriend went to and get a grilled chicken wrap. This isn't about being healthy so much as is it about Toilet Survival. Let's just say that if I didn't have the Bourne Identity to keep my mind off my stomach, it would have been a really long flight home.
In 2004, Philadelphia magazine surveyed 200 men and women. They were asked what movie this line came from:
"Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon,
lettuce and tomato sandwich".
For the men, 90 percent got the answer right and for the women 90 percent got the answer wrong (the answer is Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd). Now what this says about nature versus nurture or the roles of men and women in society relative to modern comedic cinema, I have no idea.
But considering myself "mostly a dude", like in the high ninetieth percentile range, it makes some sense as to why I find it much easier to communicate my thoughts through the brilliance of film than most any other medium.
So I would like to start this special edition of What I Ate by quoting a line from the 1994 film classic, Dumb and Dumber. One of my favorite moments is when Jeff Daniels character Harry Dunne laments about his failing career as a dog groomer. Harry stated that after he spent his life savings turning his van into a dog, it really "Chapped his ass" to have lost his job.
If you would permit me to vent a little here I want to tell you about something that really chaps my ass. That would be the subject of dieting on vacation and holidays.
Unless you are a French municipal worker, I cannot think of a single human being who spends enough time on vacation or holidays that what they eat would make that big of difference towards their overall health and fitness. Now please understand that I am not a doctor. Not even close since I wear shorts for a living. So if you are under the direct care of a physician who tells you that the deep fried turkey which Uncle Steve is planning to make this Thanksgiving will elevate your already high blood pressure to dangerous levels for too many days afterwords, then listen to your medical professional. Common sense would tell you this information does not necessarily apply to you.
But let me throw this little nugget of wisdom your way, call it Shank diet law number 1:
When it comes to eating to lose fat, it's what you do a majority of the time that makes a difference.
Now I want you to take a second and consider the gravity of what I just said because just like gravity it is a law and cannot be disputed (After the self aggrandizing insanity of that last statement I want you to picture me up on a balcony like Mussolini with my arms folded nodding my head in an ultimate state of self importance and self satisfaction).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0mSvc4UagM
OK, so while what I said isn't as fool proof as gravity it should at least clue you in to my dissatisfaction with the fitness industry which still insists on writing the same tired articles about "What you can do to make your holidays more healthy".
Sometimes I wish they would all just go away, all those misguided people in the industry who seem to miss the point. The holidays are about food, they are about family and they are about how we use food and family to celebrate this poop sandwhich we call life.
Forest Gump once said that "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get". Well I say the heck with that simpleton because to me life is sometimes like a poop sand which and every now and then we all have to take a big bite. I like to think about the holidays like a big glass of milk which helps me wash that poop Panini down and I will be damned if some fitness magazine or some tofu turkey loving S.O.B. is going to try and rob me of my glass of milk.
With that being said, here is an example of what I ate this past week while on my vacation in Miami Beach. Please note the degree and level of celebration. I will never be accused of not practicing what I preach. As a side note, I gained 12 pounds on this vacation and lost about 98% of it by the Monday of the following week. But more on the how's of that process later.
Dec. 14 (Tuesday)
Meal 1 or Breakfast
At garden State Diner at the Newark Airport. This place is awesome. It is in the C Terminal. I had a Denver/Western Omelet with some not very greasy breakfast potatoes and dry wheat toast. Please understand that I am not trying to get all wheat germy here on you with the veggies in the omelet or the lack of grease on the toast and potatoes. It's just I am not a very good traveler and I pay a terrible price if I try to eat crap while flying. You will read the evidence of that later, when I write about my trip home.
Meal 2 or Snack
On Plane (Jerky which I bought at a newsstand in the airport and two apples which I bought at a deli counter in terminal C)
Meal 3 or Lunch
At Hotel (Burger with lettuce and tomato and ketchup and a orange. I didn't eat the fries because I felt all sluggish from the flight and I needed to workout later that day and didn't want to be all "salty" for my lift)
Meal 4 or Dinner
At a restaurant called A Fish Called Avalon on Ocean Drive in Miami Beach. It was 38 freaking degrees that night and it was a bit of a walk from the hotel so I started off with a cup of hot tea to warm myself up and then had the following meal: A brined and seasoned chicken breast "skin and all" with a nice big serving a pasta mixed with marinara and variety of vegetables like green, yellow, orange peppers, asparagus, spinach, zucchini etc. It tasted awesome and resulted in some super smelly pee.
http://afishcalledavalon.com/
Dec. 15 (Wed.)
Meal 1 a.k.a. Breakfast
At Hotel: 3 egg omelet with spinach and mozz. cheese. two applewood chicken sausage links, 2 slices wheat toast, serving of breakfast potatoes, 1 cup Earl Grey Tea in honor of Jean Luc Picard. As a point of order, I am a member of the elite club of Star Trek fans who can bench over 300. Trust me, there aren't many of us. There are even fewer of us who don't still live in our parents basement.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2IJdfxWtPM
Meal 2 a.k.a Lunch
At an Argentinian grill called Baires. This place was awesome and we found it by accident. According to some of the patrons it is where a lot of South Americans visiting Miami go to eat because of the authenticity of the food. Very tasty spices without a lot of grease and fat to mask the real flavor of the food. I had a 12 oz. piece of salmon, baked potato with sea salt and sauteed broccoli.
http://www.bairesgrill.com/
No snack because Lunch was late and I wasn't really hungry again till dinner.
Meal 3 a.k.a Dinner
At Red Steakhouse on Washington Ave. in South Beach. Two sourdough dinner rolls dipped in olive oil and seasonings, two or three large glasses of some Italian wine, a 24oz bone in rib steak with a side of caramelized onions and sauteed spinach and 5 large dough nut holes dipped in caramel and chocolate for desert.
http://redthesteakhouse.com/southbeach.html
Dec. 16 (Thursday)
Meal 1 Breakfast at Hotel: Western omelet with onions, peppers, ham, mozz. cheese, 2 slices wheat toast and a serving of breakfast potatoes. One cup of English Breakfast Tea.
Meal 2 Lunch
At Pool: Marinated grilled chicken breast with grey poop on, brioche bun. Diet Coke
Meal 3 Snack which was eaten post workout at the pool:
Turkey jerky because I was all red meat saturated from the night before and 1 orange from the hotel gym and 2 mini boxes of raisins which I bought at a Walgreen's across the street from the hotel.
Meal 4 Dinner
We went to "cruise" Lincoln Ave. in Miami Beach and wound up at some Pizza Place. I can't really remember the name of the place and neither do I care to. The pizza up here was much better but this was adequate since it is pretty hard to screw up pizza with pepperoni and sausage. You could probably smother me with Peperoni and Sausage and I would taste o.k. The only thing I remember was the guy in the front was named Mario and he swore his pizza was the best in town because it is made by "real" Italians (as opposed to "fake" Italians or whatever that means). I found this comment rather puzzling given the fact that the best piece of chicken parm I ever had was made by a Puerto Rican guy at Parkway Pizza in Trenton. But what do I know.
http://www.parkway-pizza.com/
We then finished off the night at the Ghiradelli Ice Cream and Chocolate Shoppe (That little "e" at the end is supposed to add class and sophistication or something but I think that's a bunch of B.S. You could call it Camden"e" New Jersey and it would still be a hell hole).
I had a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sundae of my own and then ate half of my girlfriends because she got sick from being too full. As could be considered a given, I had no such problems.
http://www.ghirardelli.com/shops/shop_locator.aspx
Dec. 17 (Friday)
Meal 1 Breakfast
At Hotel (same as DEC. 15, I am lazy and I am getting sick of typing right now)
Meal 2 Lunch
At Hotel (same as Dec. 16 cause it tasted so damn good)
Meal 3 Snack
At Pool post workout I had beef jerky and 1 apple that I took from the hotel gym and 2 more of those mini boxes of raisins.
Meal 4 Dinner
At Hotel: An $8 milk shake and damn was it worth it. Two dinner rolls with butter, 1 burger on a brioche bun with lettuce, tomato, ketchup and fries. I then beat the crap out of a bag of homemade candies from a ice cream and chocolate shop on Lincoln Ave. called Kilwins:
http://www.kilwins.com/
The list of victims included homemade peanut butter cups, several chocolate covered pretzels, a chocolate covered oreo, and 2 chocolate covered peanut butter caramels.
Dec. 18 (Saturday)
Meal 1 Breakfast I really needed to dry out at this point so I had 3 scrambled eggs and two pieces of dry wheat toast at the hotel with a cup of Earl Grey Tea.
Meal 2 Snack
At the Pool Postworkout: 1 bag beef jerky and 1 apple and two mini boxes of raisins.
Meal 3 Lunch
At the Pool I had grilled chicken breast, rice, broccoli. I was still kind of messed up at this point so I decided to eat light given the fact I was traveling later that day.
Meal 4 Dinner (kinda)
I waited till we got to the airport to have some dinner. This was a mistake. I saw a couple of slices of Peperoni Pizza at this chain joint called La Famiglia and I HAD to have them (what a dope). This turned out to not be a good idea. About 20 minutes later that grease bomb shot out like a bullet through my "La" small intestine and sent me to the "La" Toilet. To understand how messed up this was I had to eat a King Sized Snickers Bar to settle my gut down. When you need to eat one piece of junk food to balance out another piece of junk food you pretty much know your screwed. Next time I will just go to the deli my girlfriend went to and get a grilled chicken wrap. This isn't about being healthy so much as is it about Toilet Survival. Let's just say that if I didn't have the Bourne Identity to keep my mind off my stomach, it would have been a really long flight home.
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