(Authors note: To all you doofy exercise physiology nerds out there who are wired so tight you haven’t take a poop since 1976 I realize “the burn” is actually the accumulation of hydrogen ions and not lactic acid. I only used this phrasology in order to more easily communicate with the general public most of whom don’t really care and/or won’t notice the difference.)
Hey Shank,
What is up with the TRX? The other day I met this guy at the gym. He was wearing a TRX t-shirt (I know that pisses you off) and could not contain his enthusiasm about how great the TRX is. In fact he must have used the word TRX about 100 times in a five minute conversation. I watched him work out for a little bit and granted some of the time he looked like a Monkey trying to hump a football:
(Don’t even ask.)
But for the most part he was doing what looked like some very cool and useful exercises. He said that the TRX is used by the Navy Seals, Drew Brees and Rob Lowe:
(Ok. Wait one freaking second. Navy seals are bad asses. I get that. Drew Brees is a Superbowl Champion. I get that too. But Rob Lowe. What’s next? Is Judd Nelson going to endorse the Total Gym? Is Ally Sheedy going to pimp the Thigh Master? Who would have ever guessed that the St. Elmo’s fire burning inside of me was actually the accumulation of lactic acid.)
And he said that because the TRX is superior for Weight Loss when compared to other modes of exercise it is the wave of the future and will soon replace all those bulky and expensive exercise machines in gyms all across the country. What do you think?
Signed,
I wish I was 1980′s movie star but I never had a coke problem so it didn’t happen.
(In case you have been living under a fitness rock this is a picture of the TRX. Actually this is a picture of a TRX and a guy who is going to require shoulder surgery pretty soon. Seriously Dude. There are one million exercises out there and you had to choose this one. Why?)
Dear Coke Problem,
Just for the record I hate the TRX. Which is kind of ironic given these three things:
1. I use it daily with both my clients and myself.
2. It is an enormously useful piece of equipment that allows me to do exercises and stretches I would normally not be capable of doing with other equipment.
3. TRX = Big Money. The TRX is so hot right now:
(The TRX. It’s even hotter than Hansel after he won VH1′s Male Model of the Year.)
That clients are inexplicably and uncontrollably drawn to it like Odysseus to the Sirens call:
(This is Odysseus and he is majorly screwed right now.)
Or for those of you who do not like to read and therefore don’t get that reference, clients are drawn to the TRX like Mosquitos to one of those Bug Zapper Lights from the 1980′s:
(Tinkerbell is about to enter a world of hurt.)
Now to answer the claims of your friendly Zealot let me say this. As far as Navy Seals are concerned they use a lot of things not limited to Machine Guns, Night Vision Goggles and Bazooka’s, none of which are positively indicated for being superior for weight loss:
(Can shooting machine guns like some homicidal maniac actually help you lose weight? Well, since locking and loading doesn’t involve shoving doughnuts into your mouth I guess it could.)
The bottom line is Navy Seals are freaks, both genetically and mentally and I mean that in good way like as in God Bless you for your sacrifice and service. They are the best of the best and simply do not experience pain and fear the same as you and I do. Even if they were afraid they wouldn’t pee their pants at the first sign of danger. As a life long pants pee-er (?) myself and the trainer of multiple highly intelligent, successful other pants pee-ers I can tell you without a doubt that half of the stuff you seeing people do on the TRX is going to eventually tear them apart. They just won’t realize the danger involved until they throw out their back or tear their shoulder like butterfly guy above.
As far as Drew Brees is concerned you can pretty much say the same thing minus the whole sacrifice and service for his country part. Actually the only other difference between the two is unlike the men and women who proudly serve our country at least Drew gets a really big check every month:
(Enough said.)
Now when it comes to the whole “Superior for weight loss thing” this when I start to twitch and make mean faces while wringing my hands, spitting and cursing all over myself. Using the TRX as part of an exercise routine is a great idea but that is about where it ends. Next time some jackass in a T-Shirt tells you the TRX is “Superior” for weight loss just show him these photo’s and if he still doesn’t get it then just walk away because it is no longer worth it:
(This is my refrigerator. Now look closely.)
(This is my refrigerator with a TRX tied around the handle so I cannot eat all the food that is inside of it. That is the only way using the TRX will help you lose more weight than other modes of exercise. End of issue.)
I have now tired of talking about the TRX so let me close with this. Maybe using the word “hate” is a little strong when it comes to the TRX. Just like I don’t hate religion, just some of the things people do in the name of it, I don’t really hate the TRX either:
(When you insist on talking in absolutes that’s when even smart people start saying stupid things.)
(For Christ’s Sake we can’t forget that even Jennifer Lopez has a soul.)
I cannot hold the TRX responsible for the behavior of a few sick and perverted individuals cause if I do then I would have to blame the whole fitness industry itself. And if the whole fitness system is guilty then aren’t I indicting the entire American economy in general? I put it to you, blog readers, wouldn’t that be an indictment of our entire American Society? The TRX devotees may annoy me as they will but I will not sit here and bad mouth the Untied States of America. To do so would be in complete violation of the Otter Defense of 1978.
But then again what the hell do I know?
Till next time.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
(Three things are for sure. Number one is that is Kevin Bacon in the background. Number two; he did break the rules and take some liberties with his female party guests.)
(Number three is they will never be able to make a movie like this ever again.)
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