Hey Shank,
I know you hit on this before but I am really in a bind on this one. I just hired a trainer, his name is Samuel L. He told me that if I want to lose weight I have to get all the G-d Damn ketchup, G-d Damn Barbecue Sauce and G-d Damn Teriyaki Sauce out of my Mother F@#$ing kitchen. I am not even supposed to have them on a tasty burger.
Samuel L. said that anybody with a brain as big as mine should know that these foods are LOADED with tons of sugar. He said that is why they are enemy number one on his list of FORBIDDEN FOODS!
When he began to recite verse from the 23rd Pslam, talking about walking through valley’s and shadows and death, I got frightened and ran out of there. But I was just wondering; Does he have a point about the ketchup and sugar thing?
This isn’t the first time I have ever heard about these condiments being off limits if you want to be healthy and lose weight. In fact you are one of the few people in the fitness industry who doesn’t get his panties in a bunch over this stuff. What gives?
Signed Sincerely,
Kahuna Burger Brad
(Great, now that Cat is a nutritionist too? First he steals all of Laurence Fishburne’s work, now he is going after my blog readers too. Well at least it appears there’s no Heinz 57 on that Sandwich.)
Dear Kahuna Burger Brad,
I was going to throw out my usual “Your trainer is insane” line but I think that goes without saying with this one. You are to be commended on doing your research when it comes to me and Condiments. The only thing you really dropped the ball on is the panties (I wear boxer briefs).
Once again, for the record I do not think Ketchup, Barbecue Sauce or Teriyaki Sauce are that big of a deal, let alone owed membership on some ridiculous “forbidden list”, especially when you consume them in portioned amounts.
In fact I believe you can live a long, lean and healthy life while eating them since I am not sure how there are tons of sugar in anything that only has between 15 to 35 calories per tablespoon.
As it says in our Motto, our goal at Clear Path to Fitness is to make you Laugh, Learn and most importantly Simplify your approach to a healthy lifestyle. I can’t see how going on a tirade against Sweet Baby Ray will really send us in that direction:
(Yes Dave Lieberman, of course if you can make it yourself that is always a better option but man do I love this stuff when it comes to getting Tasty in a pinch!)
Here’s the deal. I have looked at the diets of thousands of overweight people and I can say without a doubt none of them were ever getting “Jacked Up” on Ketchup. In fact I have looked at the diets of thousands of really lean and fit people and often times I see the exact opposite of what Gerri Curl guy was telling you. They use copious amounts of things like Ketchup, BBQ sauce and Teriyaki Sauce.
The reality is once we get off our “organic/home made/grown and picked by Juan Valdez/I’m better than you and I know it” soapbox, most people have neither the skill, time nor energy to become Culinary, Farm to Table Geniuses. If for no other reason than to give some “flava” to what are other wise boring and bland low fat/low calorie foods (which are a necessary and essential part of losing weight) a little of the aforementioned additives go a long way to making eating plans more sustainable over the long run.
When I do see overweight people using ketchup is is usually on a triple cheese burger along with large side of fries, a large shake and an apple pie. When I see lean people use ketchup it is usually on some lean meat, a baked potato or a serving of baked french fries.
When I do see overweight people using BBQ sauce it is usually on a whole bucket of dark meat extra skin added chicken along with a full rack of ribs along, a loaf of corn bread, a helmet sized bowl of pudding and a half a dozen beers. When I see lean people eat BBQ Sauce it is usually to flavor up some boneless chicken breast or use as a dip for vegetables.
(Just hold the ketchup and you should be fine.)
I could go on and on but think you get the point without me having to tell you that marinating boneless chicken breast or a salmon steak in Teriyaki sauce is not the same as having it over a quart of fried rice and a pound of creaky chicken.
(Oh yeah. One more point please…)
I know you didn’t ask this but I have one more point to make and it has to do with the whole concept of “FORBIDDEN” lists. I can’t stand trainers with “FORBIDDEN” lists. Seriously man, get over yourself.
Food is not evil. Food is fantastic (Welcome to the title of my book). The second you start labeling things “Forbidden” it is human nature to start getting crazy. Eventually the whole strategy just winds up exploding in your face as exampled in this story from my childhood.
When I was a little kid they told me about a guy named Adam and a chick from his rib named Eve.
(No, No, No! This is all wrong!)
(Now that is much better! And look at the cute little kitty!)
Turns out that Adam and Eve had it all. Great weather, endless supply of food and a license to walk around naked all day! Kind of like being in San Diego (Hello Jessyca Brown Slaymaker). All these two crazy kids had to do in order to keep the good life was not eat from one “FORBIDDEN” tree. One freaking tree! So what did they do? Let’s just say that’s where we got Detroit.
(Nice move Adam and Eve! I just hope Les from Hardcore Pawn doesn’t come down to Jersey and wring my neck for insulting his city.)
(This is Les. Team Clear Path to Fitness loves his show!)
The moral of this story for me is human nature dictates that the second you start forbidding something, no matter what else you give a person in return, all they want is that thing you told them they can’t have. It almost makes them hungrier for it, regardless of the consequences.
Ban “Carbs” and the first thing normal/average people (who make up like 95% of the population) want to do is eat an entire sheet cake. It’s true!
(No, it’s not your birthday and no you are not somebody’s Mom. Go low carb long enough and odds are this sucker, the entire damn thing, doesn’t stand a chance.)
In conclusion I want to plead to you fitness world to please stop banning foods. There is no such thing as a bad food just the wrong food eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time (thanks John Berardi). Any thing else is all about drama and don’t we all have enough drama in our lives already?
Till next time,
Yours in chocolate chip cookies.
Mike Cruickshank
(I have said it once and I will say it again. Kids, look at her then and look at her now. She was adorable. If there was one exception to a banned list for kids I would say don’t do drugs. They will mess you up. Ice Cream not so much in comparison.)
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