At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights?

(Authors Note:  Some of the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.)

(Just call me at 1-800-No More Bull Crap if you have a question.   Sometimes Shank has to go Joe Friday style and lay down the law when it comes to bad exercise physiology.)

Mr. Cruickshank,

My Husband, a.k.a The Moron, wants our twelve year old son to start getting involved in a serious weight lifting program so in his words “He Can Dominate” at Pop Warner football.  My question is how old does a child have to be to start lifting weights?

The creepy man down the street told the dope that shares my bed that “Young Stallions” can start working out as early as ten.  What concerns me is that they guy was a little overly eager to get my boy to work out in his gym.  To the best of my knowledge his only qualifications are that he is really big, he has a gym in his basement  and he has a lot of tattoos.

The Strength Coach at our local “Under Armor Wearing/Youth Sports Pavillion/Training Complex/NFL Combine/Child Abuse” center said my son is old enough and that I shouldn’t wait another day to get him enrolled in his facility.

The “Master Trainer” at my Gold’s Gym said “About Fourteen”.

With all these different numbers I feel more like I am ready to make a  lottery pick rather than  having a safe and sane answer for my son.

Please Help.

Signed,

Concerned Housewife who now regrets she married the coolest kid in High School.

(I could try for the rest of my life to be as cool as this kid but it will never happen.   The fact of the matter is nobody ever told you what happened to him after high school.  After leading the football team to a state championship his senior year he was thrown out of college for, and I quote “Feeling the need to beat up all the Gays and Immigrants”.  Last I heard he was addicted to smack and turning tricks for cash down at the docks.)

Dear Housewife who made a poor life choice,

First off let me say thank you for being a responsible parent to your son.  A lot of people these days seem to have a real  problem doing that:

(This is Jessica Watson. You may remember her as the fifteen year old girl who tried to sail around the world after her parents said it was O.K. because “She is no ordinary fifteen year old girl”.)

(Interestingly enough the Watson Family recently tried to adopt a young girl from China but their application was revoked after an agency official snapped this photo of the child with her new family hanging out at Euro Disney.)

(Authors note:  Ok.  So I admit I may have stretched the truth here a little.  The whole kid sailing around the world part is accurate.  The part about the adoption, Euro Disney and the kid smoking is not.  It  was meant for entertainment purposes only since the author is incapable of describing the level of stupidity necessary to allow a young teenager to attempt to sail around the world by themselves.) 

Now to answer your question, none of those guys are correct.  First off, the guy in the garage gym.  If I were you I don’t think I would let my kid ride his bicycle down that side of the street anymore.  I bet that in addition to the gym and the tattoos that dude also owns a Van filled with lots of free candy and a puppy:

(Ten year old boys and their creamy hamstrings do not belong in a weight room.  No way, no how.)

As far as the strength coach is concerned my hunch is he either doesn’t know what he is talking about or he just doesn’t know your son that well.  The worst part of me wants to say that since things like Astro Turf, Olympic Weight Sets, and Electrical Bills for a 30,000 square foot facility can get a little pricey, this coach might just be one of those guys who pushes kids into a strength program too early.  Most of the time these less than reputable guys are just trying to make their overhead so they can afford to train their college and pro athletes:

(Yeah sure, that looks safe.  ”But think about all the healthy habits these kids are developing at such a young age” you may say.  Let me tell you something.  You see that kid in the center of the picture, the one who is picking her nose and looks like she is about to eat it?  Children who still eat their own boogers do not belong in a gym lifting weights.  That is Shanks rule #1 of youth sports training.)

Now as far as the “Master Trainer” is concerned, let me tell you something about these “Master Trainers”.  If given the chance most of them couldn’t figure out how to peel a banana in a room full of monkeys:

(Too bad the only person out there who will get the last reference is this guy, Super Trainer Willis Paine.  He actually spends many an afternoon hunting so called Master Trainers for the common good.  The dogs are there to sniff out the poor exercise selection and bad technique.)

In all seriousness I cannot figure out where that trainer came up with the idea “about Fourteen” since it makes no sense.  ”Fourteen” is about as logical as Thorton Melons final answer to Professor Phillip Barbay in Back to School:

(Granted that Mr. Melon’s answer of “Four” was correct I still stand my ground and say he was guessing.  But then again, when it comes to 1980′s comedy sub plots what the hell do I know.)

The correct answer to “At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights” is IT DEPENDS.    Let me explain.

I went to middle school with this guy, lets call him “Ray”.  When Ray was thirteen years old he was 5 foot 9, weighed 180lbs and he had a really cool Denim Jacket with a Metallica patch sewed on the back.  He also had a full mustache.  Now understand when I say full mustache I don’t mean one of those fourteen year old  boy”I am going to let one facial hair grow really long and push it across my upper lip so it looks like a bunch of  facial hairs” mustaches.  I mean Ray had like a 1970′s porn star look going on:

(I went to middle school with that guy.)

The moral of the story is that when it comes to deciding when a kid is old enough to lift weights the main thing you need to be concerned about is this:

Chronological age is completely worthless.  It is biological age that counts.  This means that it doesn’t matter if one child is fourteen and the other is seventeen, kids mature physically at different rates.  My buddy Ray was ready to lift weights when he was still watching “The Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” cartoons after school.

(This is Ray’s baby picture from the Woodbridge Sears Photo Department.  Sears, where America Shops.)

As a responsible parent what you are looking for are the end of the onset of secondary sex characteristics like a permanant deepening of the voice, dramatic height and weight gains, the onset of facial and “other” hair and last but not least your son’s seeming desire, like an intact dog,  to want to hump everything in sight (actually that may never go away).  This often marks the stage when a kid is physiologically ready to reap the benefits and minimize the risks of heavy weight training because they have reached a the level of biological maturity (not just a number) necessary to safely participate.

Now while I understand that the answer I gave above will really piss off a lot of the “I always wear my Bike Shorts” High School Football Coaches and a whole gaggle of  the “Steroids don’t make me strong, I make me strong” crowd:

(I can hear them now “I ain’t never seen no bottle of Test bench press no 500lbs.” To which my answer is “Yes Mongo, you are right.  A bottle of Testosterone has never benched 500lbs.  But you know what, without that bottle of test neither would have you.) 

Get the fact that those meatheads don’t have to deal with the injuries and burnout your son will have to go through if he starts training too early.

The only person who is truly qualified to judge whether your kid has indeed past his primary growth spurt is this person…

(Too bad Dr. Silverman didn’t look like this when I was growing up.)

That would be your pediatrician.  Your pediatrician might not know a Power Clean from a Power Lawn Mower but what they do know is child growth and development.  He or she is the only one qualified to tell your child’s biological age.  Your “Bruce Springsteen Glory Days Husband” and the other colorful cast of characters are not:

(I am sure we all know somebody in our lives this song reminds us of.)

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I am always shocked that more people don’t remember this Episode of Different Strokes where Gordon Jump played the Bicycle Shop owning Pedophile.  In all seriousness if you know of somebody who is abusing children please contact the national child abuse hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)