(This man is the reason why I never really got into hardcore drugs. But that is a story for another time.)
Hey Opinionated Dick Head,
I read your post on Intermittent Fasting.
You are an idiot. I have tried numerous diets in the past but it was only Intermittent fasting that really worked. It has changed my life.
If everybody did it we would not have an obesity problem.
What do you think about that Tough Guy!
Signed,
Guy in a stupid hat
(If the Man in the Yellow hat had a curious monkey, does the Guy in a stupid hat have a really disinterested one?)
Dear Guy in a stupid hat,
You want to hear something funny?
I have never used Marijuana yet I absolutely love movies about people who smoke pot.
Call it whatever you want. Maybe I am living vicariously through Cheech, Chong, Harold and Kumar or I have some unresolved need to be a rebel but either way it’s true.
(For you kids out there too young to know, the entire van was made out of weed.)
You want to hear something else funny?
Dunkin Doughnuts has now come up with a “Diet” Doughnut. Or at least according to one resident of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina they have. Let me explain.
(Myrtle Beach South Carolina, they have a beach there.)
Recently a client of mine was visiting his sister in the Palmetto State. One evening, while sitting on the balcony of her third story condo he witnessed a very strange thing.
As he looked out over the swamp toward the white sandy beach not to far away:
(The Swamp, it’s a metaphor. But it really exists.)
He noticed this Ginormous woman sunning her self by the pool much like a Whale who beached itself in memory of terrestrial ancestors past:
(Whales, they used to live on land you know.)
Up came her Ginormous Husband. He was so big he had to splay his feet outward to balance himself while he walked:
(When you are so heavy it changes the way you walk, it’s time for a change.)
Very lovingly he said in a most comfortable southern tone “I’m gettin to Dunkin Doughnuts, ya want anything?”.
To which she replied “Yep. Git me a dozen of them doughnuts. But not like those one’s you got last time with the holes in the middle. Git me the ones with the cusssstard.”
(Doughnuts, fat people like the ones with Cusssstard.)
This made me think. How fat have people in this country become when “regular” doughnuts just aren’t enough. It’s almost as if somebody saw that hole in the middle and said “There’s potential room for more calories here. I have to fill that with something or I just won’t be satisfied”.
It’s like when cocaine and heroin weren’t “enough” so someone came up with the idea of an eight ball and then next thing you know John Belushi is dead:
(A legend, taken far too early. Now we are left with Three and a Half Men minus Charlie Sheen. There is no God.)
Granted I have not checked up on my history of pastries recently, so for all I know the Boston Kreme could easily pre date the double glazed. But the fact is food nowadays tastes just too damn good.
Culinary exorbitance is the dilemma when it comes to you losing weight. It has nothing to do with the fact that you haven’t bought the next big diet book or ninety day miracle exercise DVD:
(If you want to lose weight and your credit card is out right now you are probably on the wrong track.)
Now when I say that food tastes too damn good I don’t mean that apples these days taste better then apples one hundred years ago. What I mean is apples back in the day were just that, Apples. The modern mutagenic version of Eve’s favorite fruit is now covered in carmel, nuts and chocolate because much like the maligned doughnut hole, there came a time when even Candy apples weren’t enough:
(That is a candy apple. It’s current day freakish children are in the back.)
Face the facts people, food in this era is no longer food. It’s Porn:
(This is a porn star.)
(This is a food porn star. You guys know I like metaphors but that is disgusting.)
As a society we need to come to grips with the fact that 90% of the time what we put into your mouth is meant to be nutrition. It is not meant to an artificial experience of self medication, taste orgasms or a way to avoid dealing with the problems in our lives.
Until we grasp that inconvenient truth people will constantly be searching for that next miracle way to eat. Hence the 50 Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry of which Intermittent Fasting and all other fad diets are a part of.
To the Guy in a Stupid hat I wish you best of luck with keeping the weight off this time. But then again maybe that is just the point.
This time.
Till next time yours in chocolate chip cookies (just not covered in chocolate, dipped in six scoops of ice cream, topped with whipped cream, hot fudge and nuts with a cherry on top),
Mike Cruickshank
(If you want one more example of modern day “food” being completely out of control check this out. These are what are called Slutty Brownies. They are raw cookie dough layered with Oreo’s which are then covered in brownie mix and baked at 350 degrees till the glass dish they reside in begins to resemble a crack pipe. Damn do they look good.)
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