Hey Gang,

In 2004, Philadelphia magazine surveyed 200 men and women. They were asked what movie this line came from:
"Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon,
lettuce and tomato sandwich".

For the men, 90 percent got the answer right and for the women 90 percent got the answer wrong (the answer is Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd). Now what this says about nature versus nurture or the roles of men and women in society relative to modern comedic cinema, I have no idea.

But considering myself "mostly a dude", like in the high ninetieth percentile range, it makes some sense as to why I find it much easier to communicate my thoughts through the brilliance of film than most any other medium.

So I would like to start this special edition of What I Ate by quoting a line from the 1994 film classic, Dumb and Dumber. One of my favorite moments is when Jeff Daniels character Harry Dunne laments about his failing career as a dog groomer. Harry stated that after he spent his life savings turning his van into a dog, it really "Chapped his ass" to have lost his job.

If you would permit me to vent a little here I want to tell you about something that really chaps my ass. That would be the subject of dieting on vacation and holidays.

Unless you are a French municipal worker, I cannot think of a single human being who spends enough time on vacation or holidays that what they eat would make that big of difference towards their overall health and fitness. Now please understand that I am not a doctor. Not even close since I wear shorts for a living. So if you are under the direct care of a physician who tells you that the deep fried turkey which Uncle Steve is planning to make this Thanksgiving will elevate your already high blood pressure to dangerous levels for too many days afterwords, then listen to your medical professional. Common sense would tell you this information does not necessarily apply to you.

But let me throw this little nugget of wisdom your way, call it Shank diet law number 1:

When it comes to eating to lose fat, it's what you do a majority of the time that makes a difference.

Now I want you to take a second and consider the gravity of what I just said because just like gravity it is a law and cannot be disputed (After the self aggrandizing insanity of that last statement I want you to picture me up on a balcony like Mussolini with my arms folded nodding my head in an ultimate state of self importance and self satisfaction).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0mSvc4UagM

OK, so while what I said isn't as fool proof as gravity it should at least clue you in to my dissatisfaction with the fitness industry which still insists on writing the same tired articles about "What you can do to make your holidays more healthy".

Sometimes I wish they would all just go away, all those misguided people in the industry who seem to miss the point. The holidays are about food, they are about family and they are about how we use food and family to celebrate this poop sandwhich we call life.

Forest Gump once said that "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get". Well I say the heck with that simpleton because to me life is sometimes like a poop sand which and every now and then we all have to take a big bite. I like to think about the holidays like a big glass of milk which helps me wash that poop Panini down and I will be damned if some fitness magazine or some tofu turkey loving S.O.B. is going to try and rob me of my glass of milk.

With that being said, here is an example of what I ate this past week while on my vacation in Miami Beach. Please note the degree and level of celebration. I will never be accused of not practicing what I preach. As a side note, I gained 12 pounds on this vacation and lost about 98% of it by the Monday of the following week. But more on the how's of that process later.

Dec. 14 (Tuesday)
Meal 1 or Breakfast
At garden State Diner at the Newark Airport. This place is awesome. It is in the C Terminal. I had a Denver/Western Omelet with some not very greasy breakfast potatoes and dry wheat toast. Please understand that I am not trying to get all wheat germy here on you with the veggies in the omelet or the lack of grease on the toast and potatoes. It's just I am not a very good traveler and I pay a terrible price if I try to eat crap while flying. You will read the evidence of that later, when I write about my trip home.

Meal 2 or Snack
On Plane (Jerky which I bought at a newsstand in the airport and two apples which I bought at a deli counter in terminal C)

Meal 3 or Lunch
At Hotel (Burger with lettuce and tomato and ketchup and a orange. I didn't eat the fries because I felt all sluggish from the flight and I needed to workout later that day and didn't want to be all "salty" for my lift)

Meal 4 or Dinner
At a restaurant called A Fish Called Avalon on Ocean Drive in Miami Beach. It was 38 freaking degrees that night and it was a bit of a walk from the hotel so I started off with a cup of hot tea to warm myself up and then had the following meal: A brined and seasoned chicken breast "skin and all" with a nice big serving a pasta mixed with marinara and variety of vegetables like green, yellow, orange peppers, asparagus, spinach, zucchini etc. It tasted awesome and resulted in some super smelly pee.

http://afishcalledavalon.com/


Dec. 15 (Wed.)

Meal 1 a.k.a. Breakfast
At Hotel: 3 egg omelet with spinach and mozz. cheese. two applewood chicken sausage links, 2 slices wheat toast, serving of breakfast potatoes, 1 cup Earl Grey Tea in honor of Jean Luc Picard. As a point of order, I am a member of the elite club of Star Trek fans who can bench over 300. Trust me, there aren't many of us. There are even fewer of us who don't still live in our parents basement.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2IJdfxWtPM

Meal 2 a.k.a Lunch
At an Argentinian grill called Baires. This place was awesome and we found it by accident. According to some of the patrons it is where a lot of South Americans visiting Miami go to eat because of the authenticity of the food. Very tasty spices without a lot of grease and fat to mask the real flavor of the food. I had a 12 oz. piece of salmon, baked potato with sea salt and sauteed broccoli.

http://www.bairesgrill.com/

No snack because Lunch was late and I wasn't really hungry again till dinner.

Meal 3 a.k.a Dinner
At Red Steakhouse on Washington Ave. in South Beach. Two sourdough dinner rolls dipped in olive oil and seasonings, two or three large glasses of some Italian wine, a 24oz bone in rib steak with a side of caramelized onions and sauteed spinach and 5 large dough nut holes dipped in caramel and chocolate for desert.

http://redthesteakhouse.com/southbeach.html

Dec. 16 (Thursday)
Meal 1 Breakfast at Hotel: Western omelet with onions, peppers, ham, mozz. cheese, 2 slices wheat toast and a serving of breakfast potatoes. One cup of English Breakfast Tea.

Meal 2 Lunch
At Pool: Marinated grilled chicken breast with grey poop on, brioche bun. Diet Coke

Meal 3 Snack which was eaten post workout at the pool:
Turkey jerky because I was all red meat saturated from the night before and 1 orange from the hotel gym and 2 mini boxes of raisins which I bought at a Walgreen's across the street from the hotel.

Meal 4 Dinner
We went to "cruise" Lincoln Ave. in Miami Beach and wound up at some Pizza Place. I can't really remember the name of the place and neither do I care to. The pizza up here was much better but this was adequate since it is pretty hard to screw up pizza with pepperoni and sausage. You could probably smother me with Peperoni and Sausage and I would taste o.k. The only thing I remember was the guy in the front was named Mario and he swore his pizza was the best in town because it is made by "real" Italians (as opposed to "fake" Italians or whatever that means). I found this comment rather puzzling given the fact that the best piece of chicken parm I ever had was made by a Puerto Rican guy at Parkway Pizza in Trenton. But what do I know.

http://www.parkway-pizza.com/

We then finished off the night at the Ghiradelli Ice Cream and Chocolate Shoppe (That little "e" at the end is supposed to add class and sophistication or something but I think that's a bunch of B.S. You could call it Camden"e" New Jersey and it would still be a hell hole).
I had a chocolate chip cookie ice cream sundae of my own and then ate half of my girlfriends because she got sick from being too full. As could be considered a given, I had no such problems.

http://www.ghirardelli.com/shops/shop_locator.aspx

Dec. 17 (Friday)
Meal 1 Breakfast
At Hotel (same as DEC. 15, I am lazy and I am getting sick of typing right now)
Meal 2 Lunch
At Hotel (same as Dec. 16 cause it tasted so damn good)
Meal 3 Snack
At Pool post workout I had beef jerky and 1 apple that I took from the hotel gym and 2 more of those mini boxes of raisins.

Meal 4 Dinner
At Hotel: An $8 milk shake and damn was it worth it. Two dinner rolls with butter, 1 burger on a brioche bun with lettuce, tomato, ketchup and fries. I then beat the crap out of a bag of homemade candies from a ice cream and chocolate shop on Lincoln Ave. called Kilwins:

http://www.kilwins.com/


The list of victims included homemade peanut butter cups, several chocolate covered pretzels, a chocolate covered oreo, and 2 chocolate covered peanut butter caramels.

Dec. 18 (Saturday)
Meal 1 Breakfast I really needed to dry out at this point so I had 3 scrambled eggs and two pieces of dry wheat toast at the hotel with a cup of Earl Grey Tea.

Meal 2 Snack
At the Pool Postworkout: 1 bag beef jerky and 1 apple and two mini boxes of raisins.

Meal 3 Lunch
At the Pool I had grilled chicken breast, rice, broccoli. I was still kind of messed up at this point so I decided to eat light given the fact I was traveling later that day.

Meal 4 Dinner (kinda)
I waited till we got to the airport to have some dinner. This was a mistake. I saw a couple of slices of Peperoni Pizza at this chain joint called La Famiglia and I HAD to have them (what a dope). This turned out to not be a good idea. About 20 minutes later that grease bomb shot out like a bullet through my "La" small intestine and sent me to the "La" Toilet. To understand how messed up this was I had to eat a King Sized Snickers Bar to settle my gut down. When you need to eat one piece of junk food to balance out another piece of junk food you pretty much know your screwed. Next time I will just go to the deli my girlfriend went to and get a grilled chicken wrap. This isn't about being healthy so much as is it about Toilet Survival. Let's just say that if I didn't have the Bourne Identity to keep my mind off my stomach, it would have been a really long flight home.