Who is Mr. Snagglepuss you might ask. He is only the swingingest cat in a three piece suit this side of the Equator. He was also my Psychology Teacher, senior year of high school (Please note that the man’s name really wasn’t Mr. Snagglepuss. As usual names have been changed to protect the innocent).
Now I want to go on the record here and say that Mr. Snagglepuss was one of the best, if not the best, teachers I ever had.
How can I say that…well let’s just say that Mr. S taught me things in that class that even 18 years later I still find incredibly helpful and applicable to my life. To me that is the sign of a good teacher. That and he never forced me to learn that an Isosceles Triangle is a Triangle with two of its sides equal in length (This is actually a nice Segway into my next blog titled “Everything I needed to know about Geometry I learned from Fisher Price).
Anyway, one day we come into class and there is an assignment on the board. This was not the usual M.O. for the Puss so it definitely caught our attention.
The assignment was to pick from three candidates listed, the ideal leader for our country. Here are their qualifications:
Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. Had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, rises from bed at 11am, used opium in college and drinks champagne, brandy, whiskey and smokes cigars to excess every day.
Candidate C was a decorated war hero, vegetarian, doesn't smoke or drink (was actually a vehement anti smoker), kept a strict schedule, never showed up late to meetings and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Out of the 20 people in the class, 19 picked Candidate C. The only person who didn’t pick candidate C was this guy named “Stewie”. Stewie (which ironically enough comes out as “stewed” in spell check) was always a rebel plus he had a bit of an edge to him. And just like most people from Woodbridge, N.J. he wore that edge proudly on his sleeve. He smoked Marlboro Reds since the age of 14 and regardless of the ambient temperature outside he always wore this denim jacket with a big Metallica Patch sewn on the back. Ride the lightening it said, I think.
When Stewie was asked why he didn’t go with C he said it was because the guy sounded like a control freak that always had to have it his way. Stewie liked both A and B better because he thought they sounded like real people who could more easily relate to others. He actually went with candidate B because he smoked cigars and slept in everyday, two things to which Stewie always aspired to do when he grew up.
Now you might ask what the heck does this story have to do with diet and nutrition? Candidate A, the guy who smoke and drank a lot, that was Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Candidate B, the guy who also smoked and drank a lot and also slept in everyday that was Winston Churchill. Candidate C, the future PETA and Pritikin diet man of the year…that was freaking Adolf Hitler.
(Good choice picking C. Look at what you just won. The worlds biggest psychopath. I'll take the British Party animal anyday)
So congratulations! You just picked the biggest murdering coward of the last thousand years to be your leader because underneath those snazzy well pressed suits he wouldn’t have required a script for Lipitor.
Listen, I am not using this as an example to promote poor health habits along with excessive alcohol and cigarette consumption (although after the holidays I can certainly understand where people who do that are coming from). The point is this. Diet and morality do not mix, not for one second.
Next time you feel guilty about eating some cake I want you to smack yourself in the face and ask yourself this. When was the last time you gave your time or donated money to an animal shelter, a soup kitchen, or a home for seniors? There are thousands of places that need your help and resources more than Body by Jake and his newest piece of crap exercise machine that you won’t wind up using anyway. If you can’t feature that, then you have something to really feel guilty about.
Then again, what the hell to I know.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Mike Cruickshank
No comments:
Post a Comment