Corporate Scum, Ex Marines and The Under Cheesing of America

Corporate Scum, Ex-Marines and the “Under Cheesing of America”

Published February 16, 2012 | By mikec

(Authors Note:  Team Clear Path wants to acknowledge that the statement “ex” Marine is a oxymoron.  For the record there really is no such thing as an “ex” Marine because Marines stay Marines until the day they die.  And even then St. Peter gives them a hoo rah before he opens the gates.  The title is only being used for reasons of literary simplicity.  Thanks to all you Leathernecks out there for your anticipated understanding.)

(I couldn’t figure out why but maybe this is why I didn’t get “So Emotional Baby” over the news these last few days.)

 

(Exhibit #2 just in case you think I was being an insensitive dick with my comments above.)

 Hey Gang,

I understand that the reader mail is definitely “piling up”.  I apologize for not being able to make a blog about each and every question we get because there is some really good material out there.

It’s just last night I was doing some research when I came across a great story.   Given all this Occupy Wall Street “The top 1% are Scum”  stuff going on it made me think that this most recent blog post would be a good opportunity to discuss some of the important things that Corporate America is doing for our society:

(Things have gotten really desperate for Terence Stamp.  Could you imagine being one son of Jor-El away from ruling the world only to be reduced to Occupying Down Town New York and protesting Congressional Swearing in Ceremonies.  The only thing that could be worse is if you got dragged out on your butt by an ex-Marine.  Crap, that actually happened too.)

(In full acknowledgement of the fact that most of my references only make sense to people who watched lots of television in the 1980′s, I provide this photo for clarity on the above statement.  Christopher Reeves is the choker and Terence Stamp is the chokee.  The fact that these two cool cats didn’t sweep the Oscars that year and Superman II didn’t win for best picture is proof positive the Academy doesn’t always know what it is doing.)

Anyway, back to our positive story.  It involves this guy, Patrick Doyle, CEO of Domino’s Pizza:

(Dude.  Stop smiling at me.  You look like you are made of rubber, just like the Cheese on your Pizza.)

Patrick Doyle has uncovered an epidemic in this country and is hell bent on doing something about it.  What is that epidemic you ask?  Turns out us Americans are all being UNDER CHEESED.

(I doubt most Americans, albeit not all, are being under fed anything.  True it is that there are people in this world who are being under cheesed, it’s just not the overweight ones that form the majority of Mr. Doyle’s constituency.)

The Under Cheesing of America is not a well known problem probably because it is a bunch of crap.   Kind of like one of those imaginary diseases some of those people who park in HandiCapped spaces have despite the fact there seems to be nothing wrong with them.  

(This is NBA Star Andrew Bynum.  Despite making $14 million dollars a year his two favorite past times come very cheap.  One is playing basketball without a shirt on.  The other is parking in handicap spaces which is strange because he doesn’t “look” handicapped.  Maybe it’s something mental.) 

On a side note, if you want to lose weight my first tip would be to start packing your lunch from home.  It has been proven that food packed from home tends to have half the calories of typical take out meals.  In the process you will also save a lot of money which you can either invest in your future or donate to a worth while cause like CARE International.  CARE International,  unlike Dominos Pizza, does their best to make sure your hard earned money winds up going towards calories where they are needed most.  Here is their link: http://www.careinternational.org.uk/

(Before you decide on dinner in 30 minutes or less please check these guys first.  Thanks.)

But getting back to the pizza people.   In an honest, yet misguided effort to lactose us all out the yin yang, Domino’s Pizza has now introduced  their new line of “Cheesy Bread” which is the companies first line of attack against this made up problem.  Now understand this is not just regular bread packed in a box covered with bad pick up lines like “Baby, I’m no Flinstone but I can make your bed rock!” or “I got a thirst baby and you smell like Gatorade” or my all time favorite “Which one of the Spice Girls are You?”:

(I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.  How about a reunion tour!)

Such an idea, sleezy as it might be, would at least be calorically responsible given that one ounce of italian bread has only 90 calories.  So is not the case for our favorite band of blubbery crusaders at Domino’s.  Hence Cheesey Bread carries a wonderfully svelt 930 calories with 51 grams of fat per individual loaf:

(Sure it looks good.  That is until you realize that the average persons butt will jiggle for  a month after eating it.)

The bottom line is this:

1.  I have already said this once and I will say it again:

If there are people out there being under cheesed it certainly isn’t in America.  One loaf of Cheesey Bread contains more than half the average person’s caloric needs for a day. We eat too much already.  This invention doesn’t help.

2.  Terence Stamp should have an Oscar right now:

3.  Nutrition need not be complicated.  Besides packing your own lunch the thing I want you to take away from this post is the following:

If you genuinely want to lose weight then multiply your current bodyweight by 10 or 12 (depending on how active you are).  As a general rule that is the amount of food in calories, give or take a calorie here or there, that you should eat everyday for the rest of your life.  Pregnancy or other major physical changes are obviously exceptions to this.

Make sure those calories come primarily from lean proteins, fruits, vegetables and portion controlled carbohydrates (that is unless it is your birthday, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July or any other major holiday because calories don’t count on those days. It’s a scientific fact, but not really.)

And that is it.  Either eat this way or don’t eat this way.  What you do with your body is none of my business.  But if you say you want to lose weight than this is what you have to do.  Just remember, you can’t have your Cheesey Bread and eat it too.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(If you want to lose weight and keep it off these are your “Most of the time foods”.  On a personal note, unlike whomever took this picture, you might want to cook your meats before consuming them.)

Poop on My Shoes, The Lifetime Channel and Naturally Nora Chocolate Chip Cookies

Hey Male Chauvinist Pig and member of the Oppressive System Designed to Keep Women Down,

(Authors Note:  Just so there isn’t any confusion this person is referring to me.  You know, the guy who wears shorts for a living.  When counter culture types talk about “Sticking it to the Man” they are really talking about a guy in Adidas.)

(Not to harp on this but seriously, does this guy look like a “Master of the Universe”.  I simply don’t have time to oppress women.  I am too busy cleaning dog poop off the bottom of my shoes.)

Where do you get off thinking you know anything about helping Womyn lose weight!

It is a fact that all a man has to do is go to the gym a couple times a week or give up potato chips and he will be ripped.  If a Womyn did the same thing she would probably gain a few pounds.

Whether it is at work or in the gym I tell all my clients that a Womyn always has to work twice as hard as a Man to get half as much.  

Maybe you should just quit giving out fitness advice since you are nothing more than a walking dildo.

(Authors Note:  The later half of that last statement may have been true ten years ago but these days my thirty six year old body  is no longer so agreeable.)

Signed,

Female Trainer with Hairy Armpits

Dear Hairy Armpits,

I am sorry to hear you are having a bad day.  I am also sorry to hear that you blame me for all the things that have been so hard for you in this life.

But first things first, what the hell is a “Womyn”?

And secondly you would be glad to know that while I don’t consider myself a feminist (I constantly am finding that my wee wee gets in the way) I do support the great many upsides feminism has brought our society.  Like the founder of the First Turkish Republic, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, once said:

“Human kind is made up of two sexes, women and men. Is it possible that a mass is improved by the improvement of only one part and the other part is ignored? Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains and the other half can soar into skies?”.

(For those readers who are “History Channel Challenged” this photo is of  Geraldine Hoff Doyle a.k.a Rosie the Riveter.  At only the age of seventeen she went to work in a machine factory  in order to help with the war effort.  After artist J. Howard Miller saw a picture of her taken by a United Press Photographer he transformed her image into this poster.   It was used to motivate workers across factories all over the country.  Rosie literally became a symbol of her generation.  It was the work of women like this in factories all across the country that played a huge part in defeating the greatest evil the world has ever known.)

(For those readers who find themselves too obsessed with World of Warcraft and/or Internet Porn to actually read a newspaper the two women above are Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President of the Indian National Congress Sonia Gandhi.  I know we are supposed to be above this but let me beat you to it by saying I fully understand that this is not one of Hillary’s more flattering pantsuits.)

I could blabber on and on (as I am prone to do) about all these and many other fantastic female efforts but that is not the point.  The point is that you, Female Trainer with Hairy Armpits, are insane.  I say this for two main reasons:

1.  It is hard work to genuinely motivate somebody to make positive changes in their life.  This is especially true when it comes to personal health.  Pandering to peoples misplaced anger and insecurities is not the way to do it.  If you really want to try and get ratings by stirring up Women’s resentment of Men then get lost because the Lifetime Channel already beat you to it:

(Special thanks goes out to “The Family Guy” for this graphic.  And to answer your question, Yes, this movie does star Valerie Bertinelli.)

2.  The ease or difficulty when it comes to losing weight tends to run across the entire spectrum of humanity.  That includes both Men and Women.  What it comes down to is the individual you are dealing with and not some convenient stereo type you have drawn up in your belligerent head.

And this idea that all men have to do is workout out a couple times a week or cut out chips (even though I personally prefer ice cream) is just ridiculous  Let me put it this way;  Yes men tend to have much higher testosterone levels than women.  This is not groundbreaking stuff.

The hormonal difference in Testosterone along with many other hormones does lend to many advantages when it comes to dropping fat and gaining Muscle.  But the reality is you could have testicles the size of Grapefruits pumping out enough testosterone to make you look like Grizzly Adams just hours after an early morning shave and still a large majority (like 99 percent) of men would  have to eat strictly and exercise vigorously in order to become remotely lean enough to be considered “ripped”.

(There are two things I learned from this movie.  One is that Grizzly Adams did have a beard.  Now whether that meant he had enough Testosterone in his system to be ripped is anybody’s guess.  The second thing is that the price was right…Bitch!).

Let me conclude with this;  People eat way too much.  To further clarify;  People eat way too much crap.  That includes both men and women.  The top sources of calories in the U.S.  (according to Dr. Mike Roussell) are Grain Based Deserts, Highly Processed and Flavored Breads, Highly processed forms of chicken, Soda and Pizza.

The fact that the list does not exclusively contain whole grains, lean proteins, fruits, vegetables and essential fats is the primary reason why people in this country have trouble losing weight.  It has nothing to do with what is between their legs.

You will have to excuse me now.  I am pretty moody for a man and this discussion has made me upset.  When Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people die:

(This is Mr. Bigglesworth.  When he gets upset people do indeed die.)

When I get upset  I tend to eat too many Chocolate Chip Cookies.

(This is Naturally Nora, another hero of the female revolution.  I love this woman’s cookies.  By the way that was not a metaphor.  Her chocolate chip cookie mix is really great.)

Till next time,

Mike Cruickshank

Heart Disease, High Heeled Shoes and Dingle Berries

(Authors note:  A special thank you goes out to Super Trainer Mr. Willis Paine for his ideas on celebrity book content.) 

Dear Mike,

The other day I was watching one of those terrible morning shows, you know the ones where everybody’s faces look like they are made out of molded rubber, and this gentleman named Dr. Agus came on.

He seemed like a nice man and was on the show to promote his new book, The End of Illness.  I really didn’t pay much attention until I heard him say that wearing high heeled shoes leads to heart disease.

At that point I almost peed in my short shorts.  You have to understand that I’ve got legs and I know how to use them.  If I had to give up my Jimmy Choo’s I would die of broken heart.

Please help explain this “sexy conundrum” to me because if it is true I don’t know how much longer I can go on.

Signed,

Leggy Drama Queen

(Excuse me for talking in the third person but Shank had better get to the bottom of this one.   If it is true that high heels cause heart disease it could have massive implications for his ZZ Top Collection.)

Hey Leggy!

I am sorry to hear about your situation.  But before you throw out all your Ferragamo’s let me interject.

First off I have no idea who Dr. Agus is.  From what I understand he was on the Daily Show last week but since my DVR list is as long as the line outside McDonalds when they reintroduce the Mc Rib it will probably be a while till I get to that one.

So let me just say this:

There are a lot of causes of heart disease with the most common risk factors being your genetics and your lifestyle choices.  To that end I am not exactly sure where “killer” heels fit in on the morbidity scale.

(Peter knows that if he searches the internet long and hard enough he will eventually find a way to lose weight, still eat whatever he wants and not have to diet and exercise.)

Since you really can’t make a profit off of somebody’s bad genetics and people are simply sick of hearing they need to eat less crap and perform more exercise we have a problem.   It’s pretty slim pickings out there when it comes to information regarding heart disease.   Just think about it for a second.  How do you come up with crap that is both new and ridiculous enough to sell a couple million copies of a book?

Now for several reasons I don’t want to jump down Dr. Agus’s throat.   First off because if he was an ENT jumping down his throat would be way too ironic.  Also since I don’t know what he really said or what context he said it in we also must tread lightly until we have all the facts.  You said yourself you really weren’t paying attention all too well until he mentioned shoes and heart disease.  So without the whole story let me just say these three things and hopefully you will gain some clarity on this issue:

1.  Looking the way you do, it is probably more  likely somebody will have a heart attack seeing you in high heeled shoes than you will have one wearing them:

(Ooh la la!  George Clooney must have an enlarged heart the size of baby elephant by now.  Just for the record that is not George Clooney it is his girlfriend Stacey Keibler.  Incidentally she is in no way related to the Keebler Elves whose highly processed crap foods will probably put your butt in the grave way before high heeled shoes ever do.)

2. As a personal choice I do not pay much attention to health advice on television shows or especially when it comes from media enhanced  ”celebrities”, “doctors”, “athletes”, “celebrity trainers” or other various modes of that famed marketing concept called social proof.

At best I find the information from these sources to be incomplete.  At its worst I find what they say can be misleading and dangerous especially if applied to the wrong person.  I have always felt the purpose of those segments is to get your head up out of your Cornflakes long enough to pay attention to the crap product they are selling or the book they want you to buy that you never wind up reading past the first chapter:

(I really have no idea what this Dingle Berry has to offer regular people when it comes to getting in shape.  Unless the content of this book says “You too will never look like me” I think he should stick to titles more accurate of his life experience.  Maybe something like “How to cheat on your incredibly hot fiance days before your wedding and get caught”.  Personally I always pulled for Zack Morris but then again I found Screech more endearing then good old A.C. Slater.)

3.  High Heeled shoes look fantastic!  They really do.  While not a foot man myself I can appreciate what a good pair of heels can do to make a ladies legs look longer, prop up her touche a little and add some oomph to what might be an other wise pedestrian look.  But then again if you notice you start developing bunions that look like a sixth toe you might think about cutting back a little.  Heels, like most anything, really are harmless if worn with a little common sense.  I certainly can’t feature them making your heart explode out of your chest.

But then again what the hell to I know.

Till next time,

Yours in chocolate chip cookies.

Mike Cruickshank

(She must have just watched the “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” marathon on T.N.T.)

Narcissists, The Undertaker and Healthy Super Bowl Food

Hey Shank,

I have a serious problem and thought you might be able to help.   I want to go Undertaker style and choke slam my roommate:

(Authors note:  This is the Undertaker and that is a choke slam.)

It all started a year ago when Frank (my roommate) got a subscription to Men’s Health. Not too long afterwards he started lifting weights, doing intervals and eating incredibly healthy.  All good stuff, right?

But now things have gotten out of control.  First he started shaving off all his body hair. Then he began refusing to drink Bud Light and insists only on Microbrews and ten year old scotch.

(Not an official sponsor of Clear Path to Fitness LLC.)

I thought it couldn’t get any worse but when he started asking me to take black and white photos of him doing his daily activities while he posed dramatically, I almost flipped.

But now I have had enough!  Pretty boy is insisting we have only “healthy dishes” at our Super Bowl Party because he read about it in article.  What gives?  When did the words “Healthy Dish” and “Super Bowl” ever go together in the same sentence?

I read your blog.  I get it.  What I think you would say is instead of worrying about giving a low calorie bitch slap to what should be fantastic celebrations of life like Thanksgiving, The Super Bowl and Fourth of July we should instead focus being healthy  the other 330 days a year that aren’t holidays.

But how can I get Frank to get it?  I tried getting him to read your blog but he said if it isn’t in Men’s Health, listed in “How to Win Friends and Influence People” or covered in “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” then it must be crap.

Any advice?

Signed,

Average Joe

Dear Average,

I feel terrible about quoting such a suck ass movie but you had me at “focus on being healthy the other 330 days of the year”:

(I seriously hate you.)

I would only ask that you take it easy on your roommate.  Understand that we all have our little “idiosyncrasies”.  For example I was once asked by one of my clients if I ever considered doing a bodybuilding contest.  My response was I do a bodybuilding contest everyday when I get out of the shower and pose in the bathroom mirror:

(Now that is a guy who knew how to pose!)

The bottom line is unless your roommate is getting ready to compete in a bodybuilding contest, is under the direction of a Medical Doctor to follow a special diet or is a amateur wrestler cutting weight, I cannot see why he would to do anything other than take this opportunity to enjoy some time with family and friends and take down a slice of pizza or two.  

As far as those oxymoron laced “Eat Healthy During the Super Bowl” articles go just know the reason why magazines put out those pieces of tripe is because they need to fill up space between the advertisements.  They know there will always be some sad sack who thinks the Super Bowl is a good time to start dieting. It’s like Brad Pitt said in Fight Club;  ”Martha’s polishing the brass on the Titantic”.

(His name was Robert Paulson…What an awesome movie!  This photo alone might just balance out the awesome level of fail brought by Mr. “I’ve done the research” above.)

In conclusion I say just leave Frank alone and let him figure this stuff out for himself.  I am sure you tried your best but now is the time to just order a bunch of pizza’s, a couple hundred wings and some good old fashioned beer.

Just remember that life is too short to be eating grilled chicken breast during the half time show.

Till Next Time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I sincerely hope this picture balances out all those Tofu Buffalo Wings recipes you have been inundated with all week.  My apologies in advance to Mr. Dewey Nielsen, his lovely Wife Mary and Mr. Robert Dos Remedios all of whom actually enjoy Tofu Buffalo Wings.)

Ketchup, Forbidden Foods and The Garden of Eden

Hey Shank,

I know you hit on this before but I am really in a bind on this one.  I just hired a trainer, his name is Samuel L.  He told me that if I want to lose weight I have to get all the G-d Damn ketchup, G-d Damn Barbecue Sauce and G-d Damn Teriyaki Sauce out of my Mother F@#$ing kitchen.  I am not even supposed to have them on a tasty burger.

Samuel L. said that anybody with a brain as big as mine should know that these foods are LOADED with tons of sugar.   He said that is why they are enemy number one on his list of FORBIDDEN FOODS!

When he began to recite verse from the 23rd Pslam, talking about walking through valley’s and shadows and death, I got frightened and ran out of there.  But I was just wondering;  Does he have a point about the ketchup and sugar thing?

This isn’t the first time I have ever heard about these condiments being off limits if you want to be healthy and lose weight.  In fact you are one of the few people in the fitness industry who doesn’t get his panties in a bunch over this stuff.  What gives?

Signed Sincerely,

Kahuna Burger Brad

(Great, now that Cat is a nutritionist too?  First he steals all of Laurence Fishburne’s work, now he is going after my blog readers too.  Well at least it appears there’s no Heinz 57 on that Sandwich.)

Dear Kahuna Burger Brad,

I was going to throw out my usual “Your trainer is insane” line but I think that goes without saying with this one.   You are to be commended on doing your research when it comes to me and Condiments.  The only thing you really dropped the ball on is the panties (I wear boxer briefs).

Once again, for the record I do not think Ketchup, Barbecue Sauce or Teriyaki Sauce are that big of a deal, let alone owed membership on some ridiculous “forbidden list”, especially when you consume them in portioned amounts.

In fact I believe you can live a long, lean and healthy life while eating them since I am not sure how there are tons of sugar in anything that only has between 15 to 35 calories per tablespoon.

As it says in our Motto, our goal at Clear Path to Fitness is to make you Laugh, Learn and most importantly Simplify your approach to a healthy lifestyle.  I can’t see how going on a tirade against Sweet Baby Ray will really send us in that direction:

(Yes Dave Lieberman, of course if you can make it yourself that is always a better option but man do I love this stuff when it comes to getting Tasty in a pinch!)

Here’s the deal.  I have looked at the diets of thousands of overweight people and I can say without a doubt none of them were ever getting “Jacked Up” on Ketchup.  In fact I have looked at the diets of thousands of really lean and fit people and often times I see the exact opposite of what Gerri Curl guy was telling you.  They use copious amounts of things like Ketchup, BBQ sauce and Teriyaki Sauce.

The reality is once we get off our “organic/home made/grown and picked by Juan Valdez/I’m better than you and I know it” soapbox, most people have neither the skill, time nor energy to become Culinary, Farm to Table Geniuses.   If for no other reason than to give some “flava” to what are other wise boring and bland low fat/low calorie foods (which are a necessary and essential part of losing weight) a little of the aforementioned additives go a long way to making eating plans more sustainable over the long run.

When I do see overweight people using ketchup is is usually on a triple cheese burger along with large side of fries, a large shake and an apple pie.   When I see lean people use ketchup it is usually on some lean meat, a baked potato or a serving of baked french fries.

When I do see overweight people using BBQ sauce it is usually on a whole bucket of dark meat extra skin added chicken along with a full rack of ribs along, a loaf of corn bread, a helmet sized bowl of pudding and a half a dozen beers.  When I see lean people eat BBQ Sauce it is usually to flavor up some boneless chicken breast or use as a dip for vegetables.

(Just hold the ketchup and you should be fine.)

I could go on and on but think you get the point without me having to tell you that marinating boneless chicken breast or a salmon steak in Teriyaki sauce is not the same as having it over a quart of fried rice and a pound of creaky chicken.

(Oh yeah.  One more point please…)

I know you didn’t ask this but I have one more point to make and it has to do with the whole concept of “FORBIDDEN” lists.  I can’t stand trainers with “FORBIDDEN” lists.  Seriously man, get over yourself.

Food is not evil.  Food is fantastic (Welcome to the title of my book).  The second you start labeling things “Forbidden” it is human nature to start getting crazy.   Eventually the whole strategy just winds up exploding in your face as exampled in this story from my childhood.

When I was a little kid they told me about a guy named Adam and a chick from his rib named Eve.  

 

(No, No, No!  This is all wrong!)

(Now that is much better!  And look at the cute little kitty!)

Turns out that Adam and Eve had it all.  Great weather, endless supply of food and a license to walk around naked all day!  Kind of like being in San Diego (Hello Jessyca Brown Slaymaker).  All these two crazy kids had to do in order to keep the good life was not eat from one “FORBIDDEN” tree.  One freaking tree!  So what did they do?  Let’s just say that’s where we got Detroit.

(Nice move Adam and Eve!  I just hope Les from Hardcore Pawn doesn’t come down to Jersey and wring my neck for insulting his city.)

(This is Les.  Team Clear Path to Fitness loves his show!)

The moral of this story for me is human nature dictates that the second you start forbidding something, no matter what else you give a person in return, all they want is that thing you told them they can’t have.  It almost makes them hungrier for it, regardless of the consequences.

Ban “Carbs” and the first thing normal/average people (who make up like 95% of the population) want to do is eat an entire sheet cake.  It’s true!

(No, it’s not your birthday and no you are not somebody’s Mom.  Go low carb long enough and odds are this sucker, the entire damn thing, doesn’t stand a chance.)

In conclusion I want to plead to you fitness world to please stop  banning foods.  There is no such thing as a bad food just the wrong food eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time (thanks John Berardi).  Any thing else is all about drama and don’t we all have enough drama in our lives already?

Till next time,

Yours in chocolate chip cookies.

Mike Cruickshank

(I have said it once and I will say it again.  Kids, look at her then and look at her now.  She was adorable.  If there was one exception to a banned list for kids I would say don’t do drugs.  They will mess you up.  Ice Cream not so much in comparison.)