Corporate Scum, Ex-Marines and the “Under Cheesing of America”
(Authors Note: Team Clear Path wants to acknowledge that the statement “ex” Marine is a oxymoron. For the record there really is no such thing as an “ex” Marine because Marines stay Marines until the day they die. And even then St. Peter gives them a hoo rah before he opens the gates. The title is only being used for reasons of literary simplicity. Thanks to all you Leathernecks out there for your anticipated understanding.)
(I couldn’t figure out why but maybe this is why I didn’t get “So Emotional Baby” over the news these last few days.)
(Exhibit #2 just in case you think I was being an insensitive dick with my comments above.)
Hey Gang,
I understand that the reader mail is definitely “piling up”. I apologize for not being able to make a blog about each and every question we get because there is some really good material out there.
It’s just last night I was doing some research when I came across a great story. Given all this Occupy Wall Street “The top 1% are Scum” stuff going on it made me think that this most recent blog post would be a good opportunity to discuss some of the important things that Corporate America is doing for our society:
(Things have gotten really desperate for Terence Stamp. Could you imagine being one son of Jor-El away from ruling the world only to be reduced to Occupying Down Town New York and protesting Congressional Swearing in Ceremonies. The only thing that could be worse is if you got dragged out on your butt by an ex-Marine. Crap, that actually happened too.)
(In full acknowledgement of the fact that most of my references only make sense to people who watched lots of television in the 1980′s, I provide this photo for clarity on the above statement. Christopher Reeves is the choker and Terence Stamp is the chokee. The fact that these two cool cats didn’t sweep the Oscars that year and Superman II didn’t win for best picture is proof positive the Academy doesn’t always know what it is doing.)
Anyway, back to our positive story. It involves this guy, Patrick Doyle, CEO of Domino’s Pizza:
(Dude. Stop smiling at me. You look like you are made of rubber, just like the Cheese on your Pizza.)
Patrick Doyle has uncovered an epidemic in this country and is hell bent on doing something about it. What is that epidemic you ask? Turns out us Americans are all being UNDER CHEESED.
(I doubt most Americans, albeit not all, are being under fed anything. True it is that there are people in this world who are being under cheesed, it’s just not the overweight ones that form the majority of Mr. Doyle’s constituency.)
The Under Cheesing of America is not a well known problem probably because it is a bunch of crap. Kind of like one of those imaginary diseases some of those people who park in HandiCapped spaces have despite the fact there seems to be nothing wrong with them.
(This is NBA Star Andrew Bynum. Despite making $14 million dollars a year his two favorite past times come very cheap. One is playing basketball without a shirt on. The other is parking in handicap spaces which is strange because he doesn’t “look” handicapped. Maybe it’s something mental.)
On a side note, if you want to lose weight my first tip would be to start packing your lunch from home. It has been proven that food packed from home tends to have half the calories of typical take out meals. In the process you will also save a lot of money which you can either invest in your future or donate to a worth while cause like CARE International. CARE International, unlike Dominos Pizza, does their best to make sure your hard earned money winds up going towards calories where they are needed most. Here is their link: http://www.careinternational.org.uk/
(Before you decide on dinner in 30 minutes or less please check these guys first. Thanks.)
But getting back to the pizza people. In an honest, yet misguided effort to lactose us all out the yin yang, Domino’s Pizza has now introduced their new line of “Cheesy Bread” which is the companies first line of attack against this made up problem. Now understand this is not just regular bread packed in a box covered with bad pick up lines like “Baby, I’m no Flinstone but I can make your bed rock!” or “I got a thirst baby and you smell like Gatorade” or my all time favorite “Which one of the Spice Girls are You?”:
(I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. How about a reunion tour!)
Such an idea, sleezy as it might be, would at least be calorically responsible given that one ounce of italian bread has only 90 calories. So is not the case for our favorite band of blubbery crusaders at Domino’s. Hence Cheesey Bread carries a wonderfully svelt 930 calories with 51 grams of fat per individual loaf:
(Sure it looks good. That is until you realize that the average persons butt will jiggle for a month after eating it.)
The bottom line is this:
1. I have already said this once and I will say it again:
If there are people out there being under cheesed it certainly isn’t in America. One loaf of Cheesey Bread contains more than half the average person’s caloric needs for a day. We eat too much already. This invention doesn’t help.
2. Terence Stamp should have an Oscar right now:
3. Nutrition need not be complicated. Besides packing your own lunch the thing I want you to take away from this post is the following:
If you genuinely want to lose weight then multiply your current bodyweight by 10 or 12 (depending on how active you are). As a general rule that is the amount of food in calories, give or take a calorie here or there, that you should eat everyday for the rest of your life. Pregnancy or other major physical changes are obviously exceptions to this.
Make sure those calories come primarily from lean proteins, fruits, vegetables and portion controlled carbohydrates (that is unless it is your birthday, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July or any other major holiday because calories don’t count on those days. It’s a scientific fact, but not really.)
And that is it. Either eat this way or don’t eat this way. What you do with your body is none of my business. But if you say you want to lose weight than this is what you have to do. Just remember, you can’t have your Cheesey Bread and eat it too.
But then again what the hell do I know.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
(If you want to lose weight and keep it off these are your “Most of the time foods”. On a personal note, unlike whomever took this picture, you might want to cook your meats before consuming them.)
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