(Authors note: A special thank you goes out to Super Trainer Mr. Willis Paine for his ideas on celebrity book content.)
Dear Mike,
The other day I was watching one of those terrible morning shows, you know the ones where everybody’s faces look like they are made out of molded rubber, and this gentleman named Dr. Agus came on.
He seemed like a nice man and was on the show to promote his new book, The End of Illness. I really didn’t pay much attention until I heard him say that wearing high heeled shoes leads to heart disease.
At that point I almost peed in my short shorts. You have to understand that I’ve got legs and I know how to use them. If I had to give up my Jimmy Choo’s I would die of broken heart.
Please help explain this “sexy conundrum” to me because if it is true I don’t know how much longer I can go on.
Signed,
Leggy Drama Queen
(Excuse me for talking in the third person but Shank had better get to the bottom of this one. If it is true that high heels cause heart disease it could have massive implications for his ZZ Top Collection.)
Hey Leggy!
I am sorry to hear about your situation. But before you throw out all your Ferragamo’s let me interject.
First off I have no idea who Dr. Agus is. From what I understand he was on the Daily Show last week but since my DVR list is as long as the line outside McDonalds when they reintroduce the Mc Rib it will probably be a while till I get to that one.
So let me just say this:
There are a lot of causes of heart disease with the most common risk factors being your genetics and your lifestyle choices. To that end I am not exactly sure where “killer” heels fit in on the morbidity scale.
(Peter knows that if he searches the internet long and hard enough he will eventually find a way to lose weight, still eat whatever he wants and not have to diet and exercise.)
Since you really can’t make a profit off of somebody’s bad genetics and people are simply sick of hearing they need to eat less crap and perform more exercise we have a problem. It’s pretty slim pickings out there when it comes to information regarding heart disease. Just think about it for a second. How do you come up with crap that is both new and ridiculous enough to sell a couple million copies of a book?
Now for several reasons I don’t want to jump down Dr. Agus’s throat. First off because if he was an ENT jumping down his throat would be way too ironic. Also since I don’t know what he really said or what context he said it in we also must tread lightly until we have all the facts. You said yourself you really weren’t paying attention all too well until he mentioned shoes and heart disease. So without the whole story let me just say these three things and hopefully you will gain some clarity on this issue:
1. Looking the way you do, it is probably more likely somebody will have a heart attack seeing you in high heeled shoes than you will have one wearing them:
(Ooh la la! George Clooney must have an enlarged heart the size of baby elephant by now. Just for the record that is not George Clooney it is his girlfriend Stacey Keibler. Incidentally she is in no way related to the Keebler Elves whose highly processed crap foods will probably put your butt in the grave way before high heeled shoes ever do.)
2. As a personal choice I do not pay much attention to health advice on television shows or especially when it comes from media enhanced ”celebrities”, “doctors”, “athletes”, “celebrity trainers” or other various modes of that famed marketing concept called social proof.
At best I find the information from these sources to be incomplete. At its worst I find what they say can be misleading and dangerous especially if applied to the wrong person. I have always felt the purpose of those segments is to get your head up out of your Cornflakes long enough to pay attention to the crap product they are selling or the book they want you to buy that you never wind up reading past the first chapter:
(I really have no idea what this Dingle Berry has to offer regular people when it comes to getting in shape. Unless the content of this book says “You too will never look like me” I think he should stick to titles more accurate of his life experience. Maybe something like “How to cheat on your incredibly hot fiance days before your wedding and get caught”. Personally I always pulled for Zack Morris but then again I found Screech more endearing then good old A.C. Slater.)
3. High Heeled shoes look fantastic! They really do. While not a foot man myself I can appreciate what a good pair of heels can do to make a ladies legs look longer, prop up her touche a little and add some oomph to what might be an other wise pedestrian look. But then again if you notice you start developing bunions that look like a sixth toe you might think about cutting back a little. Heels, like most anything, really are harmless if worn with a little common sense. I certainly can’t feature them making your heart explode out of your chest.
But then again what the hell to I know.
Till next time,
Yours in chocolate chip cookies.
Mike Cruickshank
(She must have just watched the “Saved by the Bell: The College Years” marathon on T.N.T.)
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