Hey Male Chauvinist Pig and member of the Oppressive System Designed to Keep Women Down,
(Authors Note: Just so there isn’t any confusion this person is referring to me. You know, the guy who wears shorts for a living. When counter culture types talk about “Sticking it to the Man” they are really talking about a guy in Adidas.)
(Not to harp on this but seriously, does this guy look like a “Master of the Universe”. I simply don’t have time to oppress women. I am too busy cleaning dog poop off the bottom of my shoes.)
Where do you get off thinking you know anything about helping Womyn lose weight!
It is a fact that all a man has to do is go to the gym a couple times a week or give up potato chips and he will be ripped. If a Womyn did the same thing she would probably gain a few pounds.
Whether it is at work or in the gym I tell all my clients that a Womyn always has to work twice as hard as a Man to get half as much.
Maybe you should just quit giving out fitness advice since you are nothing more than a walking dildo.
(Authors Note: The later half of that last statement may have been true ten years ago but these days my thirty six year old body is no longer so agreeable.)
Signed,
Female Trainer with Hairy Armpits
Dear Hairy Armpits,
I am sorry to hear you are having a bad day. I am also sorry to hear that you blame me for all the things that have been so hard for you in this life.
But first things first, what the hell is a “Womyn”?
And secondly you would be glad to know that while I don’t consider myself a feminist (I constantly am finding that my wee wee gets in the way) I do support the great many upsides feminism has brought our society. Like the founder of the First Turkish Republic, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, once said:
“Human kind is made up of two sexes, women and men. Is it possible that a mass is improved by the improvement of only one part and the other part is ignored? Is it possible that if half of a mass is tied to earth with chains and the other half can soar into skies?”.
(For those readers who are “History Channel Challenged” this photo is of Geraldine Hoff Doyle a.k.a Rosie the Riveter. At only the age of seventeen she went to work in a machine factory in order to help with the war effort. After artist J. Howard Miller saw a picture of her taken by a United Press Photographer he transformed her image into this poster. It was used to motivate workers across factories all over the country. Rosie literally became a symbol of her generation. It was the work of women like this in factories all across the country that played a huge part in defeating the greatest evil the world has ever known.)
(For those readers who find themselves too obsessed with World of Warcraft and/or Internet Porn to actually read a newspaper the two women above are Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and President of the Indian National Congress Sonia Gandhi. I know we are supposed to be above this but let me beat you to it by saying I fully understand that this is not one of Hillary’s more flattering pantsuits.)
I could blabber on and on (as I am prone to do) about all these and many other fantastic female efforts but that is not the point. The point is that you, Female Trainer with Hairy Armpits, are insane. I say this for two main reasons:
1. It is hard work to genuinely motivate somebody to make positive changes in their life. This is especially true when it comes to personal health. Pandering to peoples misplaced anger and insecurities is not the way to do it. If you really want to try and get ratings by stirring up Women’s resentment of Men then get lost because the Lifetime Channel already beat you to it:
(Special thanks goes out to “The Family Guy” for this graphic. And to answer your question, Yes, this movie does star Valerie Bertinelli.)
2. The ease or difficulty when it comes to losing weight tends to run across the entire spectrum of humanity. That includes both Men and Women. What it comes down to is the individual you are dealing with and not some convenient stereo type you have drawn up in your belligerent head.
And this idea that all men have to do is workout out a couple times a week or cut out chips (even though I personally prefer ice cream) is just ridiculous Let me put it this way; Yes men tend to have much higher testosterone levels than women. This is not groundbreaking stuff.
The hormonal difference in Testosterone along with many other hormones does lend to many advantages when it comes to dropping fat and gaining Muscle. But the reality is you could have testicles the size of Grapefruits pumping out enough testosterone to make you look like Grizzly Adams just hours after an early morning shave and still a large majority (like 99 percent) of men would have to eat strictly and exercise vigorously in order to become remotely lean enough to be considered “ripped”.
(There are two things I learned from this movie. One is that Grizzly Adams did have a beard. Now whether that meant he had enough Testosterone in his system to be ripped is anybody’s guess. The second thing is that the price was right…Bitch!).
Let me conclude with this; People eat way too much. To further clarify; People eat way too much crap. That includes both men and women. The top sources of calories in the U.S. (according to Dr. Mike Roussell) are Grain Based Deserts, Highly Processed and Flavored Breads, Highly processed forms of chicken, Soda and Pizza.
The fact that the list does not exclusively contain whole grains, lean proteins, fruits, vegetables and essential fats is the primary reason why people in this country have trouble losing weight. It has nothing to do with what is between their legs.
You will have to excuse me now. I am pretty moody for a man and this discussion has made me upset. When Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people die:
(This is Mr. Bigglesworth. When he gets upset people do indeed die.)
When I get upset I tend to eat too many Chocolate Chip Cookies.
(This is Naturally Nora, another hero of the female revolution. I love this woman’s cookies. By the way that was not a metaphor. Her chocolate chip cookie mix is really great.)
Till next time,
Mike Cruickshank
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