Weight Loss, "Bazooka" Lowe and Why I Hate the TRX

(Authors note:  To all you doofy exercise physiology nerds out there who are wired so tight  you haven’t take a poop since 1976 I realize “the burn” is actually the accumulation of hydrogen ions and not lactic acid.  I only used this phrasology in order to more easily communicate with the general public most of whom don’t really care and/or won’t notice the difference.)

Hey Shank,

What is up with the TRX?  The other day I met this guy at the gym.  He  was wearing a TRX t-shirt (I know that pisses you off) and could not contain his enthusiasm about how great the TRX is. In fact he must have used the word TRX about 100 times in a five minute conversation.   I watched him work out for a little bit and granted some of the time he looked like a Monkey trying to hump a football:

(Don’t even ask.)

But for the most part he was doing what looked like some very cool and useful exercises.  He said that the TRX is used by the Navy Seals, Drew Brees and Rob Lowe:

(Ok.  Wait one freaking second.  Navy seals are bad asses.  I get that.  Drew Brees is a Superbowl Champion.  I get that too.  But Rob Lowe.  What’s next?  Is Judd Nelson going to endorse the Total Gym?  Is Ally Sheedy going to pimp the Thigh Master?  Who would have ever guessed that the St. Elmo’s fire burning inside of me was actually the accumulation of lactic acid.)

And he said that because the TRX is superior for Weight Loss when compared to other modes of exercise it is the wave of the future and will soon replace all those bulky and expensive exercise machines in gyms all across the country.  What do you think?

Signed,

I wish I was 1980′s movie star but I never had a coke problem so it didn’t happen.

(In case you have been living under a fitness rock this is a picture of the TRX.  Actually this is a picture of a TRX and a guy who is going to require shoulder surgery pretty soon.  Seriously Dude.  There are one million exercises out there and you had to choose this one.  Why?)

Dear Coke Problem,

Just for the record I hate the TRX.  Which is kind of ironic given these three things:

1.  I use it daily with both my clients and myself.

2.  It is an enormously useful piece of equipment that allows me to do exercises and stretches I would normally not be capable of doing with other equipment.

3.  TRX = Big Money.  The TRX is so hot right now:

(The TRX.  It’s even hotter than Hansel after he won VH1′s Male Model of the Year.)

That clients are inexplicably and uncontrollably drawn to it like Odysseus to the Sirens call:

(This is Odysseus and he is majorly screwed right now.)

Or for those of you who do not like to read and therefore don’t get that reference, clients are drawn to the TRX like Mosquitos to one of those Bug Zapper Lights from the 1980′s:

(Tinkerbell is about to enter a world of hurt.)

Now to answer the claims of your friendly Zealot let me say this.  As far as Navy Seals are concerned they use a lot of things not limited to Machine Guns, Night Vision Goggles and Bazooka’s, none of which are positively indicated for being superior for weight loss: 

(Can shooting machine guns like some homicidal maniac actually help you lose weight?  Well, since locking and loading doesn’t involve shoving doughnuts into your mouth I guess it could.)

The bottom line is Navy Seals are freaks, both genetically and mentally and I mean that in good way like as in God Bless you for your sacrifice and service.  They are the best of the best and simply do not experience pain and fear the same as you and I do.  Even if they were afraid they wouldn’t pee their pants at the first sign of danger. As a life long pants pee-er (?) myself and the trainer of multiple highly intelligent, successful other pants pee-ers I can tell you without a doubt that half of the stuff you seeing people do on the TRX is going to eventually tear them apart.  They  just won’t realize the danger involved until they throw out their back or tear their shoulder like butterfly guy above.

As far as Drew Brees is concerned you can pretty much say the same thing minus the whole sacrifice and service for his country part.  Actually the only other difference between the two is unlike the men and women who proudly serve our country at least Drew gets a really big check every month:

(Enough said.)

Now when it comes to the whole “Superior for weight loss thing”  this when I start to twitch and make mean faces while wringing my hands, spitting and cursing all over myself.  Using the TRX as part of an exercise routine is a great idea but that is about where it ends.  Next time some jackass in a T-Shirt tells you the TRX is “Superior” for weight loss just show him these photo’s and if he still doesn’t get it then just walk away because it is no longer worth it:

(This is my refrigerator.  Now look closely.)

(This is my refrigerator with a TRX tied around the handle so I cannot eat all the food that is inside of it.  That is the only way using the TRX will help you lose more weight than other modes of exercise.  End of issue.)

I have now tired of talking about the TRX so let me close with this.  Maybe using the word “hate” is a little strong when it comes to the TRX.  Just like I don’t hate religion, just some of the things people do in the name of it, I don’t really hate the TRX either:

(When you insist on talking in absolutes that’s when even smart people start saying stupid things.)

(For Christ’s Sake we can’t forget that even Jennifer Lopez has a soul.) 

I cannot hold the TRX responsible for the behavior of a few sick and perverted individuals cause if I do then I would have to blame the whole fitness industry itself. And if the whole fitness system is guilty then aren’t I indicting the entire American economy in general? I put it to you, blog readers, wouldn’t that be an indictment of our entire American Society?  The TRX devotees may annoy me as they will but I will not sit here and bad mouth the Untied States of America.  To do so would be in complete violation of the Otter Defense of 1978.

But then again what the hell do I know?

Till next time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Three things are for sure.  Number one is that is Kevin Bacon in the background. Number two;  he did break the rules and take some liberties with his female party guests.)

 

(Number three is they will never be able to make a movie like this ever again.)

Fat Guys, Pancakes and the Razors Edge

(Authors Note:  A special thank you goes out to the good folks over at www.listverse.com  They run an outstanding website and were a big part of the inspiration for this post.)
"A person is smart.  People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it".
Tommy Lee Jones as the character Agent Kay from "Men in Black".

(One cool dude!)
Hey Shank,
I'm sad because I'm fat and I am fat because I am sad.  I know that is something Fat Bastard would say but it's true.  Despite popular belief there is nothing jolly about being so big you are known around the neighborhood as Jared's before picture.
All my friends are fat.  My Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Uncle and even our Dog Spanky are all huge.  We are so sloppy that during the Summer all we can do is sit around and sweat, in an air conditioned room!
I no longer want to live in this cage.  I want to be a good person.  I want to be happy.  I need to be thin.
If you could give me one piece of advice on how to drop a couple pant sizes what would it be?  I am just an average guy and have never been really good at losing weight.
Also, I really love Pancakes.
Signed,
Chubnuts

(I love Pancakes too.  But what is up with all that Fruit crap in the background?)
Dear Chubnuts,
I am sorry to hear you feel so down.  You really shouldn't be beating yourself up over your weight.  Even more so you shouldn't think that just because somebody is thin that means they are a good person and/or they are happy.
In fact such a mindset is one of the most common flaws in human thought, right up there with gamblers thinking they "are due":

(Probably the only guy in history who every made a profit off being a "Gambler".   Too bad he took the money and used it to transform himself from a bad ass into a Crotchless Ken Doll.  I guess that in the end nobody really ever wins at Gambling.)
The idea of transferring either positive or negative qualities to a specific trait somebody possesses is known in Psychology circles as "The Halo Effect".  Strangely enough when it comes to those who are attractive,  people tend to believe that such a person on average is happier, more successful and much more intelligent for no other reason than how they look. 


(Gorgeous, isn't she.  Her name is Ruslana Korshunova.  What incredible Green eyes.  She was one of the hottest up and coming models in the industry until about four years ago.  That was when she threw herself out a window, crushing her skull.  She died instantly.  Never underestimate the power of depression, it doesn't care how good looking somebody is.)
If I were to give you one piece of advice on how to lose weight, after you drop your preconceived notions on what looking good will actually do for you, I would tell you  to go to your local library and take out anything by William Somerset Maugham.

(Decent movie but like most films it is way too shallow for you to appreciate the beauty of this book.  Definitely worth the three or four hours of your life you will spend reading it.)
In my experience there has never been an author who did a better job capturing the essence of what it really means to be a human being like Somerset Maugham. Another classic of his was "Of Human Bondage" and no, it is not a book about Leather Daddies:

(I have no idea what to say about this.)
But the one I want you to really focus on is actually a short essay titled The Lotus Eaters.  Here is a link:
http://maugham.classicauthors.net/lotuseater/
I want you to pay particular attention to the first part:
"Most people, the vast majority in fact, lead the lives that circumstances have thrust upon them, and though some repine, looking upon themselves as round pegs in square holes, and think that if things had been different they might have made a much better showing, the greater part accept their lot, if not with serenity, at all events with resignation.  They are like train cars traveling forever on the self same rails.  They go backwards and forwards , backwards and forwards, inevitably, till they can go no longer and then are sold as scrap-iron.  It is not often that you find a man who has boldly taken the course of his life into his own hands.  When you do, it worth while having a good look at him".

(I realize the above quote sounds awfully Ayn Randish but please don't throw the baby out with the bath water.  I was never a fan of "The Hero of Fox News" since I could never get over the fact that for all her blustering she was just as screwed up as the rest of us.  This was most evidenced by her inability to quit smoking and that whole "fire in the mind thing" that went along  with it.  Listen, I love smokers as I always identify with the persecuted but then again most smokers I know don't go around lecturing everybody else about self control.)
Essentially what I want you to take out of this is that just like the Tommy Lee Jones quote above, some persons are capable of great change, but most people are not.  What this means for average guys like you is that unless the government was to enact some pretty draconian measures like banning fast food, wiping out poverty and instilling mandatory physical activity, this obesity epidemic most likely is not going away any time soon.
If you are going to overcome your current reality of being overweight you are going to need to change what you perceive as the status quo.  You can start by walking that overweight dog of yours:

(She is lean and fit because her Mommy and Daddy exercise her daily and don't feed her table scraps.  Sadly it is just now that I realize how strange it is that we refer to ourselves as her Mommy and Daddy.  One thing is for sure it is going to be tough day when we have tell her that she is adopted.)
Show me an overweight dog and I can most of the time show you an overweight owner too.  Your pudgy pooch is just one piece of overwhelming evidence that you will never be lean using the lifestyle and mindset that got you were you are now.   Being overweight permeates every aspect of your being, i is not  just limited to your canines.
Does this mean I am suggesting you disown all your friends and family? No but what it does mean is that because you are trying to be a lean person in a otherwise fat world you will need to start building some pretty strong support structures in order to survive. You need to start engaging with people that are more congruent with your new life and start thinking about dropping ones that feed the old.
A perfect example of this is a networking group I spoke to this past week in which there were fifteen people attending.  Fifteen people may seem o.k., you certainly have to admire them for putting themselves out there and trying to build their businesses.   But given the current state of the economy and all the people out there bitching they don't have enough you would have thought such a resource would have had ten times that amount of people attending:

(Funny but I don't remember seeing him at the meeting.  Granted he would have to shave, comb his hair and take a bath first.)
Essentially what this comes down to, and Maugham was way ahead of the curve on this one, is that most people stink at change.  The have unlimited potential for making their lives better but that unlimited potential along with a couple bucks won't even get you a cup of coffee.
I know it is fashionable these days to say your blog has gone on to long but in this case it is both original and true.  So Mr. Chubnuts, let me sum up with these three things since three things is what I do:
1.  Spanky (your dog) needs to go for a long walk everyday.  Your  need to stop feeding him between meals and you need to control the amount of food when he does eat.
2.  Go back and reread #1 and then apply all of that to yourself.
3.  Since you are an average guy and average guys straight out stink at going it alone you need to start building up some support structures to keep yourself accountable and help push you along.  That means joining a friendly gym, getting a trainer, finding a support group or basically just doing some flipping thing that is different from what you do now.  Just admitting that you are not built to go this thing alone is the first step in the right direction.
Hope that helps but then again what the hell do I know.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (although I do occasionally like having pancakes too),
Mike Cruickshank

CrossFit, CrossFit and More CrossFit

Authors Note:  If there is one thing I have learned for sure in this life it’s that nobody beats a dead horse.  Not that I condone beating horses mind you, or any animal for that matter, it’s just an idiomatic expression.  

Please understand that I never wanted to write a post on CrossFit.  Spending more time with my dogs is much more inviting.  It’s just this topic keeps coming up over and over again so much so that I feel we need to put it to bed once and for all so we can all move on with our lives.

Thanks,

Mike

(It’s funny that nobody ever talks about kicking a dead bird?   Seems like it would be much less work.)

Hey Nancy Boy,

Before something happens to you on the way to heaven, can you gather your stones together for just one minute and provide us the definitive answer on CrossFit?  I know you have said in the past you are neither for or against it but that sounds to me like you are some big, bulky human version of Switzerland or something.

I notice that whenever you have a chance to take a stand on this important issue you Suss, Suss, Sussudio your way out of it by pontificating that Scott Abel line “The best programs are the ones that fit the program to individual and not the individual to the program”.  I’m not buying it.

I think you say this because when you show your true colors it is apparent you lack the cojones to let us know what you really think.  Last week at least Yahoo came out with a pretty damning article saying amongst other things that CrossFit is dangerous, that it is a Cult, and it’s leader Greg Glassman “a.k.a. The Coach” is a poor imitation of James Earl Jones in Conan The Barbarian:

(How awesome would it be if this guy really was the head of CrossFit!  I’d join.  Still it’s pretty cool how they got all the affiliates in one place for a group candlelight photo.  Just FYI the article on Yahoo never claimed the Glassman/Thulsa Doom connection.  That was my thing.  I don’t know if anybody over there is creative enough to think of stuff like that.  Instead they let people put out piece of crap articles like the one that claims the new Star Wars Trilogy is better than the old Star Wars Trilogy.  Now mind you the people at CrossFit don’t need me to stand up for them but how can you take Yahoo seriously on anything after posting Star Wars ignorance like that?)

Listen here Shank, I am in a land of confusion over this thing.  I live next to this big, ripped Marine who is always walking around with his shirt off,  his body covered in gym chalk and a video camera in tow filming his every move.  He told me in between bites of meat that CrossFit changed his life. Every time I see him he implores me to join so that I can be part of “The Fittest Athletes on Earth”:

(Yes, it is true.  They believe this so much they put it on their weights.)

So what’s the deal?  Who is right?  If you can’t iron out this CrossFit thing we will have to go on living separate lives because I will no longer be able to read your blog.  I refuse to waste my time watching you walk on eggshells surrounding the hottest topics in fitness today.

Signed,

Phil Collins

Hey Phil,

I Love your work!  I agree with the American Psycho that Invisible Touch is a brilliant song but I am sorry to hear you are in such a rut over CrossFit.  Granted I do resent that you have used your fame, power and celebrity to drag Team Clear Path into this abortion of an argument.  But since you and a lot of other people have asked about everybody’s favorite exercise fanatics this side of the Navy Seals, I guess I owe you an answer.

It’s just next time if you could give me something simpler to figure out, like a two state solution in the middle east, the legal implications of euthanasia or the meaning of life, I would appreciate it:

(Discussing the role of Religion in the Post Modern State with this guy would probably be much more enjoyable than getting in the middle of a CrossFit debate.   Mr. “I wear a ski mask despite the fact I live in the desert” is probably just a tad less fanatical and rigid in his thinking than some of the people on either side of the CrossFit issue.)

Now before we go any further I just want to affirm  that this blog is not going to be a history lesson or a tutorial on what CrossFit is.  If you want that then here is a link to their site:

http://www.crossfit.com/cf-info/what-crossfit.html

For the record here is Team Clear Path’s official stance on CrossFit:

Leave them the Hell alone.   They are a lot happier than you and me.  

If that answer makes me more Swiss than a big block of chocolate floating in a steaming hot cup of Cocoa then I don’t care because it is true:

(These are CrossFitters.  They are happy.)

The truth of the matter is some people will hate anything I have to say about CrossFit and others will love anything I have to say about CrossFit.  The debate is way too politicized at this point to really make any rational sense.

The haters might argue (Like the Yahouligan) that CrossFit is dangerous because they use Olympic Type Lifts for really high repetitions thereby ingraining bad form and putting high speed stress on the muscles and joints.  For me, who is now relatively famous for being neutral on CrossFit I find that irrelevant:

(You might as well can all the anger on this one.  He doesn’t care what you think of him because he is happy.)

Others would criticize CrossFit by suggesting that their programming is too random.  That it is based less on science and too much on effort, and winds up being incredibly difficulty manage over the long term.  Once again from the perspective of the land of precision time pieces and anonymous banking that too is irrelevant:

(These are CrossFitters too, hot ones.  Not only are they not interested in dating you they also don’t care what you have to say about the way they choose to exercise and diet.  That is because they are happy.)

And if all that hate was not enough there is the issue of injury which according to those in the know is all but guaranteed if you do CrossFit:

(Yes his arm is in a sling and yes he is still trying to workout on a rowing machine.  As insanely stupid as that might seem to you and me, for some Mr. Fit as F**k is an inspiration and for that reason he is happy too.  One arm and all.)

The bottom line is it doesn’t matter what you, I or anybody thinks of CrossFit because the people doing it are satisfied and in the end that is all that matters.  Therefore all this bickering is pointless just like Grand Moff Tarkin told us about way back in Episode IV:

(If we just listened to this genocidal maniac all those years ago we may have avoided this stupid debate.)

Now I get the fact that CrossFit people can sometimes be annoying and that really irritates people.   But you know what, sometimes I can be really annoying and irritate people too.  And I happen to really like myself.

You don’t think that I realize that sometimes my anger goes a little overboard.  In particular my hatred of Mario Lopez, albeit well founded, is a little bid odd:

(If you want the definition of the statement “Why go out for hamburger when you got Steak at home” just take a look at every time a married woman swoons over this piece of ground chuck and you will get the idea.)

I understand how the the whole “never wearing a shirt thing while constantly filming every exercise you do” is like watching one endless loop of Matthew Mcconhaughey pictures:

(These are some of the only known photos where he actually wears clothing.)

I also realize that nothing screams “I have a small penis” more than the whole “Fittest on Earth” thing because the statement itself makes no sense at all.

Fitness is context dependent.  It is not up to us to remake the definition so that it more closely meets our style of training or natural gifts.  If we defined fitness that way then people with a natural inclination towards being fast would define fitness as “being really fast”.  People who have a natural inclination to being slow but having great endurance would define fitness as “having really great endurance”.  People who are really strong by their nature would define fitness as “the ability to pick things up and put them down”.  And those of you out there who are pretty good at but not excellent at all of those would define fitness as a mixture.  You can never have a fittest at everything because they second you try to create the definition you would only wind up with a system that favored your own bias and strengths.

Think about it.  You would never judge a fish unfit because it can’t climb trees like a squirrel just like you would never judge a squirrel unfit because it can’t fly like a bird. Different goals require different strengths and different structures.  Even when God himself tried that whole animal kingdom swiss army knife thing he wound up with this genetic mess:

(Yes he is cute.  But did you know that this bag of bones is so screwed up he doesn’t even have nipples!  Seriously.  Platypuses are so un-evolved they actually have milk filled sacks instead.  The Platypus is to God what “Brazil” was to Robert De Niro.)

Lastly  there is that “I do X (exercise system) and that is why I look like this and if you do X (exercise system) you too will look like this too.  Now while CrossFit didn’t invent that they certainly haven’t moved away from using it in their marketing.   That pisses people off too.

I get it.  He is jacked.  And just like I predicted he is happy too.  But doing CrossFit will make you look no more like him than doing Zoomba will make you look like a Professional Latin Dancer:

Or doing a bodybuilding routine will make you look like Schwartzeneger in his prime:

Or playing basketball will make you like Michael Jordan:

The fact is if you want to Forge Elite Fitness you better start here:

Then move on to this:

Eventually get to this:

And then if a lot of things go right , after a couple decades of insanely hard work, a boat load of injuries, surgeries and gallons of blood and sweat and the aforementioned genetics you might eventually wind up here:

Look at the guy above and then understand that nobody who has a body like that started at 26 and then by 36 got there and then had to start working sideways for the rest of their life.  CrossFit is great but the foundation for those beautiful bodies you see were laid a long time ago in a hotel room far, far away.  

I have now tired of this subject and will never discuss it ever again (famous last words says Lou Valente).  Good luck to all you CrossFitters out there, I hope you find what it is you are looking for.  And to all you people who hate CrossFit, if it really is as bad as you think it is don’t worry because that means it will eventually implode upon itself, just like Jonestown.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours In Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Compared to this I am not really sure how much of a cult CrossFit really is.)

(Ok.  That is really creepy.)

(I think it is time to go now.)