Me
(Yes, I believe that I am the one who came up with that. I did a quick google search and couldn't find anybody else who said it. Pretty cool.)
I have a personal problem.
I tend to ramble on a bit.
I know this sounds a little paranoid but I could swear they were talking about me when I went to a play last week and a character referred to the issue in these terms:
"His conversations read like a novel".
As if censure from Off Broadway wasn't enough, my buddy, soon to be Dr. Jerry Novack (a.k.a. Dr. Vesuvius) has told me that in his clinical opinion it is a classic case of diahrea of the mouth.
Nice.
( Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!)
So in an effort to improve myself as well as save the time and prevent the mental exhaustion of my readers I have decided to make this blog post a quick one.
ONE FOOD YOU SHOULD NEVER EAT IF...
you are trying to lose weight. I have no proof for this. In fact you might find my logic a little strange. All the evidence I do have is anecdotal at best. But given the fact they have sent people to the electric chair in Texas with less I guess that is o.k. I do it just this once.
Here it is:
Here is my logic:
1. I am lean despite the fact that I am not really designed that way. My natural body type is somewhere between a middle linebacker and a snowman. Also, I know and hang out with a lot of lean people, a majority of whom are in the same boat as me give or take a strange body image reference or two. None of us eat stuff like this. I would find it easy to argue that during our normal daily diets we eat very little food that comes out of a box.
I always find it funny that when I go to the grocery store I always see the overweight people with stuff like this in their cart. They also tend to have ample supplies of "Skinny Cow" desert treats, the calorie portioned boxes of cookies like 100 calories snack packs or oreo's, and without a speed bump in the highway of dietary confusion they always have several boxes of some kind of lean cuisine nonsense.
Funny thing is the calories in any of the above mentioned items tend to be very "low" but yet, in my experience, they are always being eaten by overweight people or people who are constantly struggling with their weight.
My coach Scott Abel likes to say that success leaves clues. He is a positive guy. I am not. I like to say that absolute miserable failure leaves clues too. Just like Colonel Mustard in the Billard Room with the candlestick holder, this is one of them.
2. This product actually scares me. Not because I have a chicken phobia although I did meet some actual chickens last Thanksgiving and they are quite strange creatures. Anyway, my biggest beef with this chicken based product is this:
When you make chicken parm the cheese is supposed to be on the outside of the breading dammit! What kind of un holy creation is this where the cheese in on the inside? Why would you do that? Seriously. As if that slap to the face of the law of relativity wasn't enough, if you look closely you will also see that the chicken on the inside has the same texture as the breading on the outside.
What the heck is that all about?
(That is what chicken parm should look like! On Cor chicken parm should just pack up it's bags and go to naples)**Authors note: If you don't know what it means to go to naples, ask an Italian friend of yours.
A Special Shout out to Rachel Ray
The only reason why I know of this products existence is because I saw it in an ad in the new issue of Everyday with Rachel Ray (I know, I know, don't even say it. I read everyday with Rachel Ray. As stated before I have problems but Rachel Ray loves pitbulls so I love Rachel Ray).
(She loves her dog. That is important to me)
Normally that wouldn't push me to write a blog about it but within a ten minute period afterward I saw my buddy Chris Ward almost regurgitate his chicken and rice upon seeing the add (he was actually the one who noticed the cheese on the inside insanity) and upon walking downstairs I saw the cleaning lady at my gym heating this product up in our microwave.
Just to make note that while our cleaning lady is a wonderful human being, she doesn't exactly live the lean lifestyle. That is fine but it just went on to compound my point.
By now I have already blown my earlier promise not to ramble on, sorry about that. I guess when it comes to changing our lives their are just certain aspects about ourselves we just have to learn to accept.
Then again, what the hell to I know.
Yours in chocolate chip cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
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