John Steinbeck
When I originally wrote part two of this post it was going to be about a guy.
The ProGrade Guy.
A dude named Jayson Hunter.
Now let me qualify this by saying I have never met Jayson Hunter. I really don’t know anything about him, at least as a person that is.
So you might ask why did I choose to center an entire post on some person I don’t even know.
It all started like this.
One night I was surfing the web like Frankie Avalon on the waves in Muscle Beach Party…
(Did you ever wonder why all that water never messed up his hair).
And I came across this advertisement telling me that if I clicked on some random link I would be sent to a free online report. But this was just not any report. It was a super report provided to us by a company called Prograde. Check this out:
Lose more weight in just 30 days
…
more weight than average
…
as Proven in clinical trials and published in professional journals!
At this point two questions quickly rang up in my head:
1. Why do the dudes who write these ads always have to use font that seems like they are yelling at you?
2. How could I even hope to resist an offer like this?
Well it turns out I should have. Prograde is a supplement company.
This is a little blurb from their site. My comments are in red, theirs are in black:
This may be the most important discovery for weight loss in the last 50 years!
You mean more important than eating less and moving more?
It is drug-free, side-effect free, inexpensive and guaranteed to work for you.
Everybody knows that the best stuff is drugs. They have lots of side effects, are really expensive, and while guaranteed to work they are pretty much illegal everywhere except Mexico.
(This is Jayson hunter, he is your friend)
Dear Friend,
Do I know you?
Are you sick and tired of:
Supplement companies lying to people? Well then the answer would be yes.
working your butt off, but not getting enough fat loss?
Yes, but that is only because I eat three deserts every night
exercise taking up so much of your valuable and limited time?
Well, that’s what it does. Exercise does take time and for about the first decade or so it winds up taking more and more time the better in shape you get. It’s called building up your work capacity.
Eating boring, unsatisfying “diet foods” too often?
Yep, that’s going to happen too, especially if your goal is to lose weight. You need to understand that every time you sit down to eat it is not going to be like experiencing the food channel. Sometimes food is about pleasure and family and experience but when it comes to losing weight, most of the time it is not. Sometimes food is just fuel.
Feeling hungry too often?
Most of the world lives in hunger on a daily basis. For a long time it was a natural part of life. It is only recently that we have been defining hunger as some type of sin. Hence why nowadays there are so many fat Americans waddling around. You can thank Scott Abel for that gem of truth with the exception of the fat waddling comment.
Now, thanks to this amazing all-natural discovery, you can STOP STRUGGLING so hard to lose weight … and get even better results!
I find the whole "natural" angle pretty funny because heroin is derived from substances natural to the earth and from what I hear it too is pretty awesome for weight loss. The bottom line is weight loss will always be a struggle for most people. Using food as a method of self-medication is just one example of why losing weight is such a struggle. There are too many facets of emotional eating alone to mention here. If you want better results you are going to have to struggle even if it is just a little bit. No pill or potion is going to “solve” that for you. It requires the hard work of genuine personal change which is never easy.
And If That Was Not Enough
Turns out Prograde also has a product called Longevity. I guess it is supposed to stack the cards in your favor of living longer? I find that very strange. I mean, how are you supposed to even prove that it works? The process of aging, especially longevity, depends upon many variables the most important being your genetics. How could you possibly even hint that a supplement would have anything more than an incidental effect?
What confuses me even more is that Prograde offers a 100% sixty day no questions asked money back guarantee. How could that possibly apply to a product called Longevity? Who is the market for this kind of thing? Maybe if you could find an audience that didn’t have very high expectations for their time on this Earth. But even then how would they take advantage of the money back guarantee? They would be dead.
(What was that old pirate saying? Gaaaarrrr! Dead men collect no rebates!)
This is all pretty sad really and yet what you read here is pretty much indicative of the entire supplement industry. It’s just when I looked over Prograde’s site, which is no different than the dozens of other supplement companies that have come and gone over the years, something really got to me. Not sure what it was but I left the net that night convinced that I was going to make a new post about it the very next day. I mean what could be worse than fitness professionals selling this kind of stuff?
Shank, Why Did You Have To Open Your Big Mouth?
And then I got to work the next day and the bottom fell out. I was introduced to a product that made Prograde look like the Ralph Nader of consumer protection. How could that be you ask? Well let me tell you…
SOMEBODY DECLARED WAR!
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