Nort Jersey, Seal Team Six, and Fat Loss Pills (Part 3)

"I said – War! Huh Good God y’all, What is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.  Say it again"

Edwin Starr


"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself"

Jeff Daniels from the movie Dumb and Dumber

I like movies a lot.  Hopefully if you are a loyal reader of this blog you have picked up on that.  I remember one of my favorite scenes in movie history is at the end of Animal House.  Right after the members of Delta House find out they have been expelled from school and kicked off campus, the following speech is made by Eric "Otter" Stratton (Played by Tim Matheson):

"Bluto's right. Psychotic... but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part!"

(If only the supplement industry was as much fun as these guys, maybe we would have something to laugh about.)

Well somebody over at MRI (another supplement company) must have been channeling the spirit of the Delta House when they came out with their product W.A.R.  It is an acronym which stands for Workout, Anabolic, Recovery.  Supposedly their product can "Target all three phases of muscular growth" and supposedly it can do this ..FAST!  

                                    (Seriously, this really does exist)


Now outside of eating lots of nutrient dense calories and working out really hard with weights for many YEARS, I can not think of any other way that you can target muscle growth.  Personally I can think of no more futile or stupid gesture on anybody's part than to say they have a product that would do such thing FAST.  Unless the makers of this supplement can go back to your birth and turn you into a genetic freak, there really is no way to build large amounts of muscle quickly, regardless of what you try to do. 

THESE GUY'S MAKE PROGRADE LOOK DOWNRIGHT SUBTLE

Now you already know what I think of the actions of a company like Prograde and their claims with their fat loss and longevity supplements.  If you don't please go back now and read my last blog post. 

What gets me is that there is a company out there that is so ridiculous in it's claims that it makes the people over at Prograde actually look downright subtle. 

In the initial promotion of their product the people over at MRI claim that with their product "You can finally get the optimal response to your workouts - and wage WAR on Recovery!"

And this is my first problem with the whole thing.  First off, and this goes to all supplement companies and meatheads out there, don't name your product or refer to your workouts as "War" or "A War". 

A bodybuilder dressed up in cut off shorts or wearing spandex and a tank top while doing his Legs workout is not at a state of War.

                (As scary as this is, it is certainly not the true face of War)

To imply otherwise, especially in an effort to feel cool about yourself or to sell supplements is downright insulting, insensitive and stupid.  What is next for these people? A diet product called "Famine".  I mean what other hellish aspect of human existence is not on the table for these guys?

Now listen, I understand it is just "Marketing" but personally I consider myself lucky before the eyes of God to have never had to have been permantly scarred by the reality of combat. Somebody might want to clue in the people over at MRI about that one.

(To the meatheads of the world and to the executives of MRI...this is what War really looks like. Take a good look)

Now the name is just a start.  I am sure you could defend the people over at MRI and say their intention was never to dishonor or minimize the sacrifices made by our men and women in uniform by comparing them to a bunch of inert powder in cool looking box.  And you know what, I would be fine with that.  A little sad about it but something I could definitely live with if not just ignore. 

Problem is that they don't just leave it at that.  They just had to "pimp" their product.  As we have already seen, when it comes to supplement industry "pimping" their products, nothing is off the table.  This is the content under the products "Science" section.  Their comments are in black, mine in red. 

"Introducing New Schisandrin-B Heat Shock Protein Activator"

More font, more yelling.  This guys have to cut back on their caffine and sugar consumption.  Either that or at least write in language people can understand.  I mean what the heck is Schisandrin-B Heat Shock Protein Activator?"

For decades, research scientists have sought to target the elusive Heat Shock Proteins (HSP). Why?

Because Cancer and Aids research just wasn't important enough?

HSPs “jolt” cells into hyper responsive mode. Cells suddenly react to stimuli at lightening velocity.

Lightening velocity?  Certainly that cannot mean that the 1.21 gigawatts of power produced by a bolt of lightening is contained in every serving of W.A.R !  Great Scott!

Cellular “activity” is thrust into warp speed.

Warp Speed!  Somebody call James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise!  Or at least get in contact with world renouned Cosmologist Stephen Hawking.  He has been wasting his life telling us that traveling at the speed of light is impossible.  Shows how smart he is.  The people at MRI have figured out not only how to bend the laws of physics but to develop bigger arms while doing so!

What does that mean for recovery? Everything!

More important than getting lots of sleep, eating lots of good food and managing stress?

With Schisandrin-B, HSPs “zap” the transcription factors (TF) that control protein synthesis into rapid acceleration.*

I have no idea what this means.

It's like going from 0 to 240 mph in five seconds - then maintaining that speed for 90 minutes. And that's just for starters.

What is this stuff made out of?  This sounds like somebody going on a cocaine bender. 

HSPs actually help convert more amino acids into real muscle fiber. In combination with its proprietary “muscle perfect” amino ratio, WAR helps create the ideal condition for muscle growth.

Now this is really where things get out of control.  How do you prove this?  And yet again how to do prove that WAR was the mitigating factor?  Scott Abel always talks about effects of training as if they are either influential or incidental  .  To his point most people start an exercise and diet regime while taking these supplements and then give the credit for their gains to the supplement itself when it really was just incidental to the outcome.  The workouts and the diet were what actually made the difference, they were what was influential.  Once again, will these guys say anything to make a buck?

In Conclusion

In conclusion, the whole point behind this three part blog was to bring to your attention the importance of professionalism and the high standards to which we hold those people we consider professionals.  I also wanted to show you how the supplement industry falls way short of those high standards.

The lesson to be taken out of this isn't that you should never supplement your diet.  As I quoted before from Scott Abel "The best workout and diet programs are those that make the workout and diet fit the individual, not the individual fit the workout and the diet".  So maybe, just maybe there might be somebody out there who could have some use for these products.  My feeling is that the number would be so small that all these companies would go out of business overnight.  My feeling also is that there are so many other more important mitigating factors as to why you are not reaching your fitness goals, that to take these supplements only distracts you from putting your energy and resources towards those means. 

What I take out of this as a fitness professional and a guy who lives a lean lifestyle is just one thing:

Compassion. 

Everyday I am confronted with well meaning but very misinformed people who want to know "What's the best product to take".  Then I look at their diet and exercise routine and I am stunned at why they don't get it. 

Also everyday I am confronted with overweight, beaten down and broken people who just can't face one more failed diet.  They say they have tried everything from those bull crap low calorie diet foods/snacks to some of the very supplements I listed in this blog. 

And you know what?  Sometimes I get really angry about it.  Not angry at the people who come to me because I can understand where they are coming from.  For them I have compassion.

Why?

Because when you turn to a professional you think you are getting the right advice for you.  Just like when you go to the doctor or the pharmacist and you don't think twice sometimes to confront what they say or even check the prescription label.  Granted there is a lesson in that one too but the point is this.   The fitness and supplement industry is filled with these unethical, ridiculous people who take the title professional and step all over it like the cast from the Broadway Show "Stomp!".

(Just imagine these guys are from your favorite late night fitness infomercial.  Now imagine that instead of the stage floor, underneath their feet are all your hopes, dreams and money)

They only difference between the fitness people and the cast from Broadway is the exercise people wear  poop covered boots while doing it just in the effort to make a buck.  No wonder people are so confused and fail so many times. 

So my final plea to everyone out there is this:

First, learn to love the body you already have. Not the one you wished you had or the one you will never be.   Exercise and a healthy diet are great.  They will make you feel better physically and mentally. But they do have limits, especially when you start them later in life.

Secondly, you are who you are, especially when it comes to your body type.  Now don't take that as an excuse if you are already overweight to go and demolish the McDonalds Dollar Menu.  The point is that based on your genetics some of you are more easily big while some of you are more easily skinny.  Very few of you are natural athletes, and most of the rest of us are somewhere in between.

The last thing I would hope that you would do is put your trust in some of these "Professionals" in the Fitness and Supplement industry.  They are only going to burn you with promises they can't keep.

But then again, what the hell do I know.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies.

Mike Cruickshank

Nort Jersey, Seal Team Six, and Fat Loss Pills (Part 2)

The best laid schemes of mice and men…Go oft awry.

John Steinbeck

When I originally wrote part two of this post it was going to be about a guy.

The ProGrade Guy.

A dude named Jayson Hunter.

Now let me qualify this by saying I have never met Jayson Hunter. I really don’t know anything about him, at least as a person that is.

So you might ask why did I choose to center an entire post on some person I don’t even know.

It all started like this.

One night I was surfing the web like Frankie Avalon on the waves in Muscle Beach Party…

           (Did you ever wonder why all that water never messed up his hair).

And I came across this advertisement telling me that if I clicked on some random link I would be sent to a free online report. But this was just not any report. It was a super report provided to us by a company called Prograde. Check this out:


Lose more weight in just 30 days
…
more weight than average
…
as Proven in clinical trials and published in professional journals!
 
At this point two questions quickly rang up in my head:

1.  Why do the dudes who write these ads always have to use font that seems like they are yelling at you?

2.  How could I even hope to resist an offer like this?

Well it turns out I should have. Prograde is a supplement company.

This is a little blurb from their site. My comments are in red, theirs are in black:

This may be the most important discovery for weight loss in the last 50 years!

You mean more important than eating less and moving more?

It is drug-free, side-effect free, inexpensive and guaranteed to work for you.

Everybody knows that the best stuff is drugs.  They have lots of side effects, are really expensive, and while guaranteed to work they are pretty much illegal everywhere except Mexico.

                                     (This is Jayson hunter, he is your friend)


Dear Friend,
Do I know you?

Are you sick and tired of:
Supplement companies lying to people? Well then the answer would be yes.


working your butt off, but not getting enough fat loss?
Yes, but that is only because I eat three deserts every night


exercise taking up so much of your valuable and limited time?
Well, that’s what it does. Exercise does take time and for about the first decade or so it winds up taking more and more time the better in shape you get. It’s called building up your work capacity.

Eating boring, unsatisfying “diet foods” too often?
Yep, that’s going to happen too, especially if your goal is to lose weight. You need to understand that every time you sit down to eat it is not going to be like experiencing the food channel. Sometimes food is about pleasure and family and experience but when it comes to losing weight, most of the time it is not. Sometimes food is just fuel.

Feeling hungry too often?
Most of the world lives in hunger on a daily basis. For a long time it was a natural part of life. It is only recently that we have been defining hunger as some type of sin. Hence why nowadays there are so many fat Americans waddling around. You can thank Scott Abel for that gem of truth with the exception of the fat waddling comment.

Now, thanks to this amazing all-natural discovery, you can STOP STRUGGLING so hard to lose weight … and get even better results!
I find the whole "natural" angle pretty funny because heroin is derived from substances natural to the earth and from what I hear it too is pretty awesome for weight loss. The bottom line is weight loss will always be a struggle for most people. Using food as a method of self-medication is just one example of why losing weight is such a struggle. There are too many facets of emotional eating alone to mention here. If you want better results you are going to have to struggle even if it is just a little bit. No pill or potion is going to “solve” that for you. It requires the hard work of genuine personal change which is never easy.

And If That Was Not Enough

Turns out Prograde also has a product called Longevity. I guess it is supposed to stack the cards in your favor of living longer? I find that very strange. I mean, how are you supposed to even prove that it works? The process of aging, especially longevity, depends upon many variables the most important being your genetics. How could you possibly even hint that a supplement would have anything more than an incidental effect?

What confuses me even more is that Prograde offers a 100% sixty day no questions asked money back guarantee. How could that possibly apply to a product called Longevity? Who is the market for this kind of thing? Maybe if you could find an audience that didn’t have very high expectations for their time on this Earth. But even then how would they take advantage of the money back guarantee? They would be dead.

               (What was that old pirate saying? Gaaaarrrr! Dead men collect no rebates!)

This is all pretty sad really and yet what you read here is pretty much indicative of the entire supplement industry. It’s just when I looked over Prograde’s site, which is no different than the dozens of other supplement companies that have come and gone over the years, something really got to me. Not sure what it was but I left the net that night convinced that I was going to make a new post about it the very next day. I mean what could be worse than fitness professionals selling this kind of stuff?

Shank, Why Did You Have To Open Your Big Mouth?

And then I got to work the next day and the bottom fell out. I was introduced to a product that made Prograde look like the Ralph Nader of consumer protection. How could that be you ask? Well let me tell you…

SOMEBODY DECLARED WAR!

(To be continued)

Nort Jersey, Seal Team Six, and Fat Loss Pills

I have this buddy; he is a school teacher up in Nort Jersey. Yes, Nort Jersey. Right now spell check is getting pretty confused as I am sure you are too so let me explain.

North Jersey comprises of the North Central and North Western Portion of the state of New Jersey. It is known for is scenic views, happy little country like hamlets, and it’s fine cuisine of homemade cheeses and good squirrel cookin.

Nort Jersey comprises of the North Eastern Part of the State. It comprises less of towns and more like “Places”. When I say places I mean like Newark, Teaneck, Hackensack, Union City, Bayonne and the always sunny North Bergen. Nort Jersey is really more an attitude and a state of mind than it is a real geographic entity. If you are still confused just watch the opening scene of the Sopranos…that is Nort Jersey.

(Welcome to Nort Jersey. Now go home you Fonzanoon.)

So anyway, my buddy has been teachin (they don’t teach up in Nort Jersey, they teachin) there for a couple of years when he gets this great offer by the school district to attend the Worlds Teacher Conference in Amsterdam, Netherlands. It was a reward for being one of the area’s most outstanding young educators.

Pretty big honor you could say.

Now the day before my buddy, let’s call him Mikey the Fish, is about to ship off one of his fellow teachers approaches him. No big deal you might say but in the three years Mikey had been there this guy never even muttered a word to him. Not even once despite the fact that their classrooms were right next to each another.

All Mikey knew was this guy had a reputation for being strange. So strange that nobody even understood what he taught. Some people thought he taught art. Some people thought he taught music. Some people thought he taught a combination of both. Bottom line is nobody really wanted to ask.

So this guy comes up to Mikey the Fish and doesn’t say hello, how are you, or even introduce himself. All he says is, and this is seriously true:

“Don’t ever have sex with one of those Prostitutes. You will never want to have sex with a normal woman ever again”.

And with that this Art/Music teachin dude turns around, walks into his classroom and never talks to Mikey ever again.

Now anybody who knows Mikey the Fish knows he is a really good guy. A real professional. But Mikey is also very conservative, in a real way. Not Conservative like in he passes legislation to ban Gay Marriage or lower taxes only to be found hooking up with dudes in airport bathrooms and defrauding the IRS of millions. I mean conservative like he would be the last person you would ever think would be on the prowl for some “professional” help of that kind.

Still, the wacky Art/Music teachin dude had a good point. As a society and culture we expect more from our Professionals whether they are of the Athletic Arena, the Business World or the even the skin trade. We expect a high level of performance and a higher level of execution.

No better example of this can be found with the heroic actions of U.S. Navy’s Seal Team Six and their recent dispatching of Dirt bag Numero Uno, Osama Bin Laden.

(Move over G.I. Joe, here are the REAL American Heroes)

Any combat solider will tell you there is nothing really heroic about taking another human beings life. To them that is their job. They swore to protect the United States of America so that is what they do.

The true heroism in these men does not lie in the killing, that is something made up by the movie industry. The true heroism is in the teamwork, the skill level, and the relying on the man next to you to cover your back even as you walk straight through the fiery gates of hell into your next mission, operation or global hot spot de jour.

And yet despite all those incredible odds and challenging situations I must ask “Are we really surprised by any of this?” These are the Navy Seals for crying out loud. Translated from Latin Navy Seal roughly means “One bad mama Jamba”.

The reason I bring all this up is because recently a client of mine had a scare when both he and his wife were given mislabeled prescriptions from a Pharmacist. Lucky enough nobody was seriously hurt but it does bring up a pretty good point.

I know when I go to the Pharmacy I don’t even give a second thought to what it is I am being given. Why? Because Pharmacists, Doctors and other members of the medical field are some of the best trained and highest esteemed professionals in the world. We expect more from them and rightly so since often times they hold the balance of life and death within their hands.

Granted this is just one isolated incident out of the millions and millions of interactions that take place in the medical community each day but could you imagine if this was the norm. Could you imagine an industry where the very essence of Professionalism is thrown out the window only to go splat on the sidewalk like a hefty bag filled with Lipton Onion soup dropped off the top of the Empire State Building?

Well let me introduce you ladies and gentlemen to the Supplement Industry. They bring a new meaning to the word professionalism and it isn’t a good one.

(To be continued)

Whole Grains, Weight Loss, and Health

Hey Shank,

I understand your anti Lucky Charms position but isn't it true that whole grains are superior for weight loss and health?

Signed,
Mr. Slimbody

Hi Mr. Slimbody,

Given your colorful name I might assume that you "get it" when it comes to knowing how to live a lifetime of leanness. Either that or somebody is playing a cruel joke on you like when they call stupid people genius. Or like my shop teacher in school whose nickname was lefty even though he had lost 3 fingers on his left hand in a tragic belt sander incident.

But so I digress.

When it comes to whole grains I don't really give them much thought, especially when it comes to weight loss and health. In fact, when it comes to weight loss and health I don’t give them much thought either. Both are outcomes where as I tend to focus more on behaviors.

I find focusing on behaviors versus outcomes works much better. I do this given my experience that the biggest fallacy in this life is the idea that we are in control. I know some people believe we should be able to direct the people, places and events surrounding our lives but we don't. To add insult to the control freaks injury my experience is that we never can. When it comes to weight loss and especially health you will find there is no greater area where we lack control more.

Now understand I didn't mean to get all Maharishi Mahesh Yogi on you. I am just trying to drive home the point that buzz concepts like eating whole grains to spark fat loss make about as much sense as pre moistened diapers.

(He is supposedly a heck of nice guy but not exactly a Gillette man I would say)

My approach to whole grains is such. When I am out on the streets getting my business done I sometimes find myself without a cooler stocked with low calorie, nutrient dense foods. Now instead of freaking out like the Cookie Monster on a date with Mrs. Fields I simply go to my default meal, turkey with lettuce and tomato with lots of spicy mustard on whole wheat. I tend to like the ones from Panera Bread the best but you can pretty much pick one of these up anywhere. I do this not because I believe the bread I put on my sandwich is going to make me live longer or develop six pack abs. Both of those processes revolving around weight loss and health are dependent upon so many other bigger and more important variables. The reality is I eat my sandwich this way because that is how I like it. If I am worried about fiber I tend to default to the three or more cups of vegetables and three servings of fruit that I eat each day.

When it comes to things like whole wheat pasta and brown rice I have already gone on the record how much I hate the taste of those things. I just don't see the point in eating foods you don't like because of some long term payoff that could easily be accomplished some other way.

I have been eating white rice and white pasta for years and you could iron a shirt on my stomach (gratuitous Water Boy reference). So when it comes to how "fattening" those foods are you have me at a loss. Portion size seems to be more important than anything, especially when concerning weight loss. Maybe that is why if you know someone who switched to whole wheat pasta they lost weight initially because it tastes so bad they can't really eat much of it.

If you want to really focus on weightloss and health than my advice would be to get more consistent with the behaviors that have a proven track record of working. First is to pray to God, Darwin or whomever else it is your worship that you were dealt the right cards at birth. Then focus on behaviors like consistently eating less than you burn off through portion control and a lifetime of consistent and challenging exercise. If there is one chink in the armor of the no control mentality it would be the ability to exert behavioral change in ourselves (albeit as challenging as that might be). For me whole grains just don’t seem to make a very loud blip on the Mr. Radar of life.

(Now that I have my coffee I am ready to watch Radar.)

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

Lucky Charms are now a health food?

Hey Shank,

Yesterday I was looking at my kid’s box of Lucky Charms and noticed it said made with Whole Grains. What gives? Are Lucky Charms now a health food?

Signed,
Mr. Confusion


Hi Mr. Confusion,

Love the notes you leave in my fortune cookies. Hope all is well with you.

Yes, Lucky Freaking Charms are now a health food! Think about how awesome that is! It would be like if somebody was able to come up with a high fiber cigarette.

Mistakenly, I was always under the impression that people ate things like Lucky Charms, Cookie Crisp, and Coco Puffs because they were quick, convenient and tasted awesome. Turns out I was wrong. I guess you cannot underestimate the heart protective benefits of all that marshmallow and sugary goodness.

Unfortunately when reality sets in you begin to realize that the only active ingredient that makes those cereals health foods isn’t Whole Grains, it’s called Marketing.

(Magically delicious for sure. But as a health food? More like magically full of hype)


I actually know some really ripped bodybuilders who eat that stuff. The only difference is it usually occurs after they have been out drinking all night or during the off season when they are competing with other bodybuilders to see who can get the biggest and the fattest possible.

Personally, if I wasn’t being thrown by an overwhelming need to recapture my youth (which has been known to happen from time to time) I would kick that stuff to the curb. But then again I don’t have kids so what the hell do I know.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Shank

Chocolate Cake, Mr. Snagglepuss and Adolf Hitler (Continued)

Mr. Snagglepuss

Who is Mr. Snagglepuss you might ask. He is only the swingingest cat in a three piece suit this side of the Equator. He was also my Psychology Teacher, senior year of high school (Please note that the man’s name really wasn’t Mr. Snagglepuss. As usual names have been changed to protect the innocent).

Now I want to go on the record here and say that Mr. Snagglepuss was one of the best, if not the best, teachers I ever had.

How can I say that…well let’s just say that Mr. S taught me things in that class that even 18 years later I still find incredibly helpful and applicable to my life. To me that is the sign of a good teacher. That and he never forced me to learn that an Isosceles Triangle is a Triangle with two of its sides equal in length (This is actually a nice Segway into my next blog titled “Everything I needed to know about Geometry I learned from Fisher Price).

Anyway, one day we come into class and there is an assignment on the board. This was not the usual M.O. for the Puss so it definitely caught our attention.

The assignment was to pick from three candidates listed, the ideal leader for our country. Here are their qualifications:

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. Had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, rises from bed at 11am, used opium in college and drinks champagne, brandy, whiskey and smokes cigars to excess every day.

Candidate C was a decorated war hero, vegetarian, doesn't smoke or drink (was actually a vehement anti smoker), kept a strict schedule, never showed up late to meetings and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Out of the 20 people in the class, 19 picked Candidate C. The only person who didn’t pick candidate C was this guy named “Stewie”. Stewie (which ironically enough comes out as “stewed” in spell check) was always a rebel plus he had a bit of an edge to him. And just like most people from Woodbridge, N.J. he wore that edge proudly on his sleeve. He smoked Marlboro Reds since the age of 14 and regardless of the ambient temperature outside he always wore this denim jacket with a big Metallica Patch sewn on the back. Ride the lightening it said, I think.

When Stewie was asked why he didn’t go with C he said it was because the guy sounded like a control freak that always had to have it his way. Stewie liked both A and B better because he thought they sounded like real people who could more easily relate to others. He actually went with candidate B because he smoked cigars and slept in everyday, two things to which Stewie always aspired to do when he grew up.

Now you might ask what the heck does this story have to do with diet and nutrition? Candidate A, the guy who smoke and drank a lot, that was Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Candidate B, the guy who also smoked and drank a lot and also slept in everyday that was Winston Churchill. Candidate C, the future PETA and Pritikin diet man of the year…that was freaking Adolf Hitler.

(Good choice picking C. Look at what you just won. The worlds biggest psychopath. I'll take the British Party animal anyday)


So congratulations! You just picked the biggest murdering coward of the last thousand years to be your leader because underneath those snazzy well pressed suits he wouldn’t have required a script for Lipitor.

Listen, I am not using this as an example to promote poor health habits along with excessive alcohol and cigarette consumption (although after the holidays I can certainly understand where people who do that are coming from). The point is this. Diet and morality do not mix, not for one second.

Next time you feel guilty about eating some cake I want you to smack yourself in the face and ask yourself this. When was the last time you gave your time or donated money to an animal shelter, a soup kitchen, or a home for seniors? There are thousands of places that need your help and resources more than Body by Jake and his newest piece of crap exercise machine that you won’t wind up using anyway. If you can’t feature that, then you have something to really feel guilty about.

Then again, what the hell to I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Mike Cruickshank

Chocolate Cake, Mr. Snagglepuss and Adolf Hitler

“Welcome to the abandoned land.
Come on child take my hand.
Here there’s no work or play. Only one bill to pay.
There’s just five words to say as you go down, down, down.
You’re gonna burn in hell!”
(Twisted Sister)

I work in Princeton, New Jersey. Now before you draw any conclusions I want to qualify what I do for a living. I do not work in one of the “sexier” professions like a Rocket Scientist, Investment banker, or Plasma Physicist(Please note that in Princeton these professions are considered sexy like actors and models are in the rest of the world).

I wear shorts for a living. I am a personal trainer.

So the other day I had a lady come in the gym. From the second she hit my peripherals I could tell she was really neurotic. I mean a real hot mess.
With no prompting on my part she came over and let me know she felt the need to “confess”.

She told me she had been bad.

Now at the risk of making this sound like a bad late night cable movie I went ahead and asked “What did you do that was so naughty”.
Maybe not the right choice of words but to my amazement she told me to “Guess”.

I asked her if she robbed a bank.

“No” she said. “Worse”.

I thought to myself what could be worse than robbing a bank? According to the FBI, not much. Maybe Domestic Terrorism?
I quickly disqualified that given the fact that a wealthy white woman hasn’t blown something up in political anger since Patti Hearst.

“Did you kill somebody?”

“No” she said, “It wasn’t that bad”.

At this point I had given up so I said to her “I give up. What is worse than robbing a bank but not as bad as murder?”

“I had a piece of chocolate cake”.
If this wasn’t the early spring and my gym wasn’t in a basement I could have sworn you would have heard Crickets chirping at that point.
People, let’s get one thing straight.

FOOD IS NOT A MORAL DECISION.

Now before all you militant vegans, conspiracy theorists and health nuts start ranting on about conditions in slaughterhouses, the evils of big agriculture and fat parents raising fat kids I want you to note for the record I am not talking about any of that stuff.

The idea that somebody should feel “bad” or even worse that stupid fitness world buzzword “guilty” about any food is insane. So the next time you hear Jaime Lee Curtis tell you that her yogurt makes her poop and lets her do so “guilt free” let me tell you straight up that she has absolutely no idea what the heck she is talking about.

There is no such thing as a “bad” food. There is only the wrong food being eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time.

For example, enjoying a cookie that you just made with your child or having a piece of cake at a celebration with family and friends is a heck of lot different than sitting alone in your apartment crying tears into a pint of Haagen Dazs contemplating how much you hate your life. One example is about using food to enhance the experience of life. The other example is using food as a drug to numb you to reality.

The point is that there is an entire industry that profits off this idea of “Guilt Free” foods and it is just plain wrong. Now if you don’t want to take my word for it then take the word of Mr. Snagglepuss.
(To be continued)….