Hey Shank! I Hate My Big Butt!

(Sir Mix A lot.  He doesn’t understand what your problem is.)

Hey Shank!

I hate my big butt!  I cannot lie!

I hate my large child bearing hips too!

My Husband who is short, fat, and bald makes fun of me all the time and says I should lose weight so I can be beautiful, thin and sexy like Keira Knightley.

Do you have any suggestions about what I should do?

Signed,

Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister

(I wish I had hands on my feet like a monkey so I could give this picture 4 thumbs down.)

(Now this is more like it!)

Dear Lady Marmalade,

Something tells me you could have a butt the size of Celine “I need to hit the buffet or my heart will no longer go on” Dion, and your husband will still be giving you crap.  My first suggestion is that you do something to let him know what the deal is.   When I say “What the deal is” a good start would be to listen to endless loops of “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC until you get some choice ideas:

(I was always more of a Neck Ties, Contracts and High Voltage kind of guy.  Then again Concrete Shoes, Cyanide and T.N.T. would work just as well.  It really is all a matter of personal preference.)

But so I digress:

(I thought when people became rich and famous they were supposed to get fat.  You know, like Vince Vaughn.  Somebody would have to be smoking crack to think this looks good.)

Notwithstanding all these pictures of sickly thin women, you can tell your hubby that the reason you have a big butt is because you have a big butt:

(Granted I’m no Ron Burgundy but then again I also don’t tell people, especially women, to have unrealistic expectations from their exercise and diet program.) 

People, especially women, have different body types.  Trying to change your body structure, let alone comparing yours to somebody with an entirely different body build is counter productive, stupid and destructive to say the least.  Granted there will always be some low life out there in the fitness industry who will tell you that it is possible, that still doesn’t make it true.

Telling you to lose weight so you can look like Keira Knightley would be like you telling that human tree stump of a husband that he needs to go out and bounce a basketball all day so that he can be tall, powerful and muscular like Lebron James.  The genetics, let alone the feasibility of the process, just don’t add up:

(This is Lebron James before everybody outside of Miami didn’t hate him.)

Personally I don’t understand why any man would be turned on by the idea of making a woman look like a twelve year old boy.  But then again maybe we should be considering the source:

(Hello Ladies.  This Robo Cop meets Max Headroom meets Jacobim Mugatu look alike is one of the primary designers behind the clothes that you feel the need to starve yourselves in order to fit into.  Nice choice for a life coach.)  

The moral lesson here for you, your insignificant other and most importantly that duck faced orange billed platypus above is that you shouldn’t screw with mother nature.  When you do so there are serious consequences.

Take for instance the time I used this special shampoo that was designed to fill in my bald spot:

(Please God never let it come to this.  If it does then please strike me down.  Or just shave my head.  Either fate is better than that.)

Let’s just say that things didn’t work out too well.

After a couple months my bald spot was still there (mocking me as it often does) and instead of flowing locks of loveliness I was left with a tremendous increase in nose and ear hair:

(Nice.)

Now I don’t remember becoming an Octogenarian overnight.   My best guess was that the soap did work but instead of impregnating my head it ran down my face and did it’s magic in all the wrong places.

The bottom line my dearest Moulin Rouge is if there is concern  about the shape of your body you really only have three options:

1.  Find yourself a qualified trainer and get yourself in really good physical condition relative to your age, genetics and current fitness level.

2.  Find yourself a qualified nutritionist or diet coach and get yourself on a healthy eating plan full of nutrient dense, whole foods.

3.  After you have done all that then take the advice of the legendary Doris Day.  To paraphrase a song she once sang; “Que Sera, Sera, Whatever booty will be, will be”.

(Doris Day loves dogs, I love Doris Day.  It’s that simple.)

Ultimately your body is just that, Your Body.  You can’t change it so you had better learn to love it and make the most of the gifts that you have been given. It’s either that or you can just starve and make yourself miserable in order to satisfy a couple of guys who don’t deserve you to begin with.

Hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Until you accept yourself for who you truly are you will never stand on firm enough ground to make a real difference in your life.  That starts with not trying to be somebody else.)