Buffalo Wings, The Toilet and Diet Adherence

I’m growing old.  Thirty Seven next month to be exact:

(That’s me.)

With age comes the loss of a lot of things.  Like my hair and  the ability to lift really heavy weights without crippling myself the next day.  But the thing I miss most is my digestion:

(“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”.  In this case I was trying to pull one over on my Duodenum.  It would have none of that.)

So as of 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning I am keeping with the Holy Sabbath (which never made any sense to me since this is Sunday but so I digress) by giving just thanks and praise to God.  In this case I am thanking him for creating double ply toilet paper and Norman Abramson:

(This is Norman Abramson, father of the modern day Wireless Router.  You would think such a smart guy would have more books.  Like have you ever noticed that whenever some bag of douche wants to convince you of how smart they are the decision is made to post on Facebook pictures of all the books they own?  Really annoying stuff…)

(Here are all the books I own.  But not really.)

Now through all this religious revelation I have come to one very important conclusion.  I am very grateful for being allowed to “Grow Old”.

Not because life is a gift which we often times take for granted.  No, I am grateful for being able to grow old because I can no longer eat Buffalo Wings more than once every few months.

Not to ramble or get off topic (like I usually do) the bottom line is I used to look at eating like it was some giant moralistic game of THE RIGHT FOODS vs. THE WRONG FOODS.

Now I just look at it as “If I eat that it will put me on the toilet for two days.”

(Damn you cheese fries!)

The cool thing is that with this new attitude comes a new found freedom.

When it comes to choosing the foods I eat ninety five percent of the time my decisions are now based on something more than morality and will power.  Which is good because if all I got to keep my gut in check is a bunch of nutritional Bible Thumping than this modern world of brilliant billion dollar food marketing, taste science and calorie abundance will wind up eating me for breakfast.

(Let the reality set in people.  That isn’t food.  It’s marketing and chemistry that is so powerful they could put a piece of cat poop between those buns and most people would probably still eat it.)

I can say whole heartedly that I choose a diet of lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, healthy fats and portioned controlled carbohydrates not because it is something I feel I HAVE TO DO, I do it because it is something I WANT TO DO.  The consequences for me go way beyond guilt because amongst other things (like spending all day in the bathroom) I simply do not think, function or feel the way that allows me to live the life I want to lead.

Definitely something to think about the next time you think that being lean in a not so lean world comes down to an ethics game.

(Sinner!)

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (Just not every night)

Mike Cruickshank

(Me too.  Like how much I am looking forward to having my oatmeal this morning.)

Hey Shank! What do you think of Miller 64?

(Beer, making boring people more interesting since 5,000 B.C.)

Hey Shank,

What about Miller 64?  Will it help me drop some pounds?

I am so fat that all my pants have elastic waistbands.

Signed,

Norm

(Does anybody else out there remember when he used to advertise Meister Brau?  Meister Brau, It only tastes expensive.)

Good Afternoon Mr. Peterson,

I wish I could give you the answer you want.  I know people really like to hear that their sins are good for them.

But people drink beer to get drunk, not to lose weight.

So to answer your question, no, Miller 64 will not help you lose weight.

Hope that helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (Usually after I have had a few Bud Lights)

Mike Cruickshank

(The only way to lose weight permanently is to exercise regularly and eat a diet consisting mainly of nutrient dense foods like fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, healthy fats and portion controlled carbohydrates…blah, blah, blah.  I know that isn’t what anybody wants to hear but it’s still true.)

(Oh Yeah, one more thing.  No matter how much Miller 64 you drink, I can guarantee that this girl will still never talk to you.  I know that is something none of you guys want to hear, but it too is still true.)

90 Days to Hardbody Glory! (Part 1)

(This guy, he’s full of crap.  Or maybe he was full of crap and that is why in the before photo he was sticking his gut out so far.)

Hey Shank!

Is it really possible to build the body of my dreams in only 90 Days?  Pictures don’t lie.

Signed,

Sad Larry

Dear Sad Larry,

No, you cannot build the body of your dreams in only 90 Days.

And pictures do lie.

But more about that later.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is the crew from Beach Body.  If Abe Froman was the Sausage King of Chicago then these characters are the Sausage Kings and Queens of the 90 Day Transformation.  My only question is do you think they bring their own smoke or does it just follow them around?)

(Don’t get snooty with this guy.)

Hey Shank! I Hate My Big Butt!

(Sir Mix A lot.  He doesn’t understand what your problem is.)

Hey Shank!

I hate my big butt!  I cannot lie!

I hate my large child bearing hips too!

My Husband who is short, fat, and bald makes fun of me all the time and says I should lose weight so I can be beautiful, thin and sexy like Keira Knightley.

Do you have any suggestions about what I should do?

Signed,

Hey Sister, Go Sister, Soul Sister, Go Sister

(I wish I had hands on my feet like a monkey so I could give this picture 4 thumbs down.)

(Now this is more like it!)

Dear Lady Marmalade,

Something tells me you could have a butt the size of Celine “I need to hit the buffet or my heart will no longer go on” Dion, and your husband will still be giving you crap.  My first suggestion is that you do something to let him know what the deal is.   When I say “What the deal is” a good start would be to listen to endless loops of “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC until you get some choice ideas:

(I was always more of a Neck Ties, Contracts and High Voltage kind of guy.  Then again Concrete Shoes, Cyanide and T.N.T. would work just as well.  It really is all a matter of personal preference.)

But so I digress:

(I thought when people became rich and famous they were supposed to get fat.  You know, like Vince Vaughn.  Somebody would have to be smoking crack to think this looks good.)

Notwithstanding all these pictures of sickly thin women, you can tell your hubby that the reason you have a big butt is because you have a big butt:

(Granted I’m no Ron Burgundy but then again I also don’t tell people, especially women, to have unrealistic expectations from their exercise and diet program.) 

People, especially women, have different body types.  Trying to change your body structure, let alone comparing yours to somebody with an entirely different body build is counter productive, stupid and destructive to say the least.  Granted there will always be some low life out there in the fitness industry who will tell you that it is possible, that still doesn’t make it true.

Telling you to lose weight so you can look like Keira Knightley would be like you telling that human tree stump of a husband that he needs to go out and bounce a basketball all day so that he can be tall, powerful and muscular like Lebron James.  The genetics, let alone the feasibility of the process, just don’t add up:

(This is Lebron James before everybody outside of Miami didn’t hate him.)

Personally I don’t understand why any man would be turned on by the idea of making a woman look like a twelve year old boy.  But then again maybe we should be considering the source:

(Hello Ladies.  This Robo Cop meets Max Headroom meets Jacobim Mugatu look alike is one of the primary designers behind the clothes that you feel the need to starve yourselves in order to fit into.  Nice choice for a life coach.)  

The moral lesson here for you, your insignificant other and most importantly that duck faced orange billed platypus above is that you shouldn’t screw with mother nature.  When you do so there are serious consequences.

Take for instance the time I used this special shampoo that was designed to fill in my bald spot:

(Please God never let it come to this.  If it does then please strike me down.  Or just shave my head.  Either fate is better than that.)

Let’s just say that things didn’t work out too well.

After a couple months my bald spot was still there (mocking me as it often does) and instead of flowing locks of loveliness I was left with a tremendous increase in nose and ear hair:

(Nice.)

Now I don’t remember becoming an Octogenarian overnight.   My best guess was that the soap did work but instead of impregnating my head it ran down my face and did it’s magic in all the wrong places.

The bottom line my dearest Moulin Rouge is if there is concern  about the shape of your body you really only have three options:

1.  Find yourself a qualified trainer and get yourself in really good physical condition relative to your age, genetics and current fitness level.

2.  Find yourself a qualified nutritionist or diet coach and get yourself on a healthy eating plan full of nutrient dense, whole foods.

3.  After you have done all that then take the advice of the legendary Doris Day.  To paraphrase a song she once sang; “Que Sera, Sera, Whatever booty will be, will be”.

(Doris Day loves dogs, I love Doris Day.  It’s that simple.)

Ultimately your body is just that, Your Body.  You can’t change it so you had better learn to love it and make the most of the gifts that you have been given. It’s either that or you can just starve and make yourself miserable in order to satisfy a couple of guys who don’t deserve you to begin with.

Hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Until you accept yourself for who you truly are you will never stand on firm enough ground to make a real difference in your life.  That starts with not trying to be somebody else.)

Hey Shank! What do you think of Insanity?

Hey Shank!  What do you think of insanity?

Signed,

Desperate, Sad and Badly in Need of a Shower

Hey Sad and Stinky!  Great to hear from you!

When it comes to Insanity lets say I guess that “Hip Hop Abs” just wasn’t good enough:

(Yep, that’s Shaun T., the same guy from Insanity.  One thing is for sure, these guys really seem to love DVD’s.)

My simple answer to your question is this:

One of the definitions of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

So unless you have an incredible body built from a basement full of this stuff:

 

Then I would tell you to forget about doing the same thing all over again.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Every one of those toys above had celebrity endorsements, fantastic before and after photos, money back clauses and guaranteed results.  The sad thing is each and every single one comes down to what you see above.  Always understand that the profit margin for legitimate fitness and well built equipment is simply not high enough to justify making an infomercial about it.)