(Authors Note: I love Grandma Arms. I pray to God every night that I will be lucky enough to live long enough to have a pair of my own. But in our youth obsessed/piss on anything old society these questions do come up)
Dear Shank,
I love your blog! But now I need some advice. I am getting married in June. I have been on a diet and already lost twenty pounds. I am looking to lose about ten more. Its just my arms, they are so flabby and gross. They have always been a problem for me and I just want to know if there are any exercises I can do to tone them up. Please help, when I go sleeveless I look like somebody’s Grandmother. It has gotten so bad that dirty old men flip their AARP cards at me with their phone numbers written on the back. They reek of mothballs and Ben Gay. Gross!
Signed,
The Girl Billy Idol is going to Marry at his White Wedding.
Dear Future Mrs. Idol:
First off , Congratulations on your Wedding! Secondly, and this is not to get on my mad dad soap box, but there is a disturbing trend with women and extreme dieting/exercise to get as thin as possible for their wedding (usually winding up with them looking like heroin addicts wearing too much makeup). Please don’t do that. The only exercise routines that really “work” are ones that are part of a committed lifestyle change, not just something you do to get ready to walk down the aisle.
First off , Congratulations on your Wedding! Secondly, and this is not to get on my mad dad soap box, but there is a disturbing trend with women and extreme dieting/exercise to get as thin as possible for their wedding (usually winding up with them looking like heroin addicts wearing too much makeup). Please don’t do that. The only exercise routines that really “work” are ones that are part of a committed lifestyle change, not just something you do to get ready to walk down the aisle.
(Don’t be that chick. You think you are going to be mad when he forgets to take out the garbage? Wait till you see his reaction after he marries Twiggy and winds up with Jabba the Hut. The same thing goes for you guys too. Have some self respect.)
Now When it comes to arms, specifically flabby triceps, we have a three tiered approach starting with basic solutions and then if necessary working toward the more complex.
Part 1 The basics:
Good news because you have got this covered. The first step in toning up your arms is to lose some weight. The amount necessary varies for each person based on a lot off stuff ranging from genetics to how overweight you are starting out but generally if you can lose at least 10% of your bodyweight (160lbs = 16lbs of weight loss etc.) that is a good place to start. Why 10%? I have no idea, I really just pulled that number out of my Ass. It’s just after years in the gym I find that with most people real noticable changes occur around 10% so do with that number what you will. People love numbers, whether they make any sense or not.
The reason why weight loss is so important to having more toned arms is often times muscle tone is hidden under a layers of fat. In fact you could have the most toned arms in the world but if you are carrying around extra weight nobody will know about it and you will be stuck shopping in the ladies version of the husky section (a.k.a Lane Bryant).
Part 2: The Exercises
There are a lot of good exercise routines, even if you don’t want to go to the gym. The most important thing to remember (and this was the subject of one of our prior blog posts) is because the arms are involved in most total body movements, to limit your routine to arm specific exercises would not only be a sin, it would be relatively inneffective since that is not only what arms were designed to do. Arms were designed to work in relative isolation but also they were meant to be used in conjunction or as part of whole body motion to produce faster, more powerful and more efficient movment patterns. Hence our ability to survive long enough on the frozen tundra to be around to invent the wheel.
There are a lot of good exercise routines, even if you don’t want to go to the gym. The most important thing to remember (and this was the subject of one of our prior blog posts) is because the arms are involved in most total body movements, to limit your routine to arm specific exercises would not only be a sin, it would be relatively inneffective since that is not only what arms were designed to do. Arms were designed to work in relative isolation but also they were meant to be used in conjunction or as part of whole body motion to produce faster, more powerful and more efficient movment patterns. Hence our ability to survive long enough on the frozen tundra to be around to invent the wheel.
Isolation movements like curls and pushdowns have their place but when done correctly are only part of the solution, they are not the entire solution regardless of what your favorite “anorexic, boob implanted, airbrushed genetic freak covergirl having fitness magazine might tell you.
(You know what Shape Magazine? Go get bent. I just wish one of these fitness rags would take the advice of my colleague Willis Paine and put the title “You Too Will Never Look Like Me” on the cover.)
Here is a good solid whole body routine that is to be done three times per week . It will surely handle the exercise portion of your question. Make sure to do the movements slowly and generate maximal tension in the targeted muscles. Perform 1 to 3 sets of 10 to 15 reps each exercise with time, individual recovery and conditioning permitting.
1. Squat and Shoulder Press (dumbbells or bands)
2. Row (dumbbells or bands)
3. Lunges
4. Pushups
5. Double or Single Leg Deadlifts (Dumbbells)
6. Biceps Curls (arms baby yeah!)
7. Lying triceps presses or band pushdowns (alternate from workout to workout)
8. Cross knee crunches
9. Side or regular planks (alternate each workout) held for 30 seconds/1 minute each
10. Ball Leg curls (Or just use furniture movers from bed bath and beyond. You can find them in the beyond section right next to the time machine and the flux capacitor but more about this later)
11. Dumbbell side raises or dumbbell reverse flys (you alternate these two from workout to workout)
12. Abductions (with side lying on a ball or with an exertube at the ankles)
2. Row (dumbbells or bands)
3. Lunges
4. Pushups
5. Double or Single Leg Deadlifts (Dumbbells)
6. Biceps Curls (arms baby yeah!)
7. Lying triceps presses or band pushdowns (alternate from workout to workout)
8. Cross knee crunches
9. Side or regular planks (alternate each workout) held for 30 seconds/1 minute each
10. Ball Leg curls (Or just use furniture movers from bed bath and beyond. You can find them in the beyond section right next to the time machine and the flux capacitor but more about this later)
11. Dumbbell side raises or dumbbell reverse flys (you alternate these two from workout to workout)
12. Abductions (with side lying on a ball or with an exertube at the ankles)
When I do this routine, especially during times when I have that not so fresh feeling due to my flabby triceps, I like to pick 3 or 4 of the twelve exercises and pair them into 3 or 4 groups and do them all back to back to back to back with little or no rest in between. I find this puts me in a tremendous oxygen debt and insures my metabolism will get maximal stimulation from the workout. On days I feel crappy because life has interfered with my plans of world domination via incredibly firm glutes I will dial the intensity down a bit and do only two exercises back to back or just do straight sets one at a time but that is all depending upon how bad my day went.
After I am done with the lifting I also like to do 7 or 8 “sprints” on a given piece of cardio equipment for 30 seconds on (super hard effort) and 1 minute off (easier effort but by no means am I punishing a dozen large from Double D while on the treadmill or reading the style section of the New York Times) but this will also vary depending upon your conditioning and general biofeedback.
(I think they are doing this wrong)
Part 3 The Hormones:
The last area and probably the one you have the least amount of control over but which must be examined if the first two genuinely fail is hormones. Typically when we find people (almost always women) who have a genetic predisposition to storing fat in their arms it can be due to high levels of estrogen. What can be done about this? Not a damn thing that is within my scope of practice or anybody’s else’s scope of practice unless their last name has the intial’s M. “friggin” D. after it (I make a point of this because you will find no shortage of low life’s in the fitness industry who will try to sell you a pill or some other vaccum sucking seaweed nonsense as a solution to your problem).
So after you have lost all the weight and have been on your routine for a while (minimum twelve weeks at three times a week equaling thirty six workouts) you might choose to sit down with your physician and discuss options. We find that this applies consistently well to women who have had progesterone issues, ovarian issues, or are on some types of prescription medications. Menopause doesn’t help much with this situation either. On a personal note who we find this doesn’t apply consistently well to is the Oprah “my thyroid is bad, it’s not the two bags of organic corn sun blue chips I scarf down every day” crowd. But once again, and I can’t emphasize this enough, if you feel your issue is genuinely related to your hormonal issues you need to sit down with a real doctor and figure it out.
(I don’t care if they are organic. I don’t care if they are blue. You eat the entire bag and your pants are no longer going to fit on you. Garden of Eatin my butt.)
Conclusion:
As stated before I don’t do conclusions because typically I am already too verbose and often stricken with diarrhea of the mouth so let me just some this one up quickly by saying I hope this information helps.
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
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