Here is an exciting interview I just recently had with….Myself.
Clear Path to Fitness: Hey Mike! Have you heard about this new “fat burning, metabolism boosting, energy enhancing weight loss solution” that we have all been waiting for?
(Jesus, that’s a big bottle)
Myself: No, sorry I missed that one. I was too busy having lunch with the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and a consistently thin Kirsty Allie. We were having one pound burgers at the Fudruckers over in Imagination Land.
CPTF: Wow. You are a sarcastic S.O.B. aren’t you?
Myself: Yeah, sorry about that. It’s just hard not to be an angry douche sometimes with all that is going on in the fitness industry.
CPTF: What do you mean my bitter bulky friend?
Myself: You have to understand that I have dedicated my life to giving people honest advice when it comes to losing weight and getting in shape. That takes thousands of hours of study and hard work. Consequently it is kind of hard to see Registered Dieticians, Doctors, Certified Nutritionists and Trainers, all of whom should know better, make big bucks by telling sad, frustrated, sometimes lazy but always overweight people that the missing link to their weight loss problems comes in a bottle.
CPTF: But is says right there on the bottle that the product is only for use with a proper exercise and nutrition program.
Myself: That’s nice. But its a lot like Tommy Boy said in the movie”Tommy Boy”:
I could put a piece of Shit in a Box and mark it guaranteed but all you are going to have is a guaranteed piece of shit.
(Yeah, I know he had a bit of a “weight problem” but he also had cat like reflexes and that has to count for something)
CPTF: So you mean to say that just because they put it on the bottle doesn’t mean people will actually understand the truth. The truth that in order for those pills to do anything a person already has to be and stay on for the rest of their lives a consistent and sometimes difficult and constrictive exercise and eating plan. Without that consistent plan those pills will probably do less than dick and that the consistent eating and workout plan alone would help them reach most of their goals whether they took those piece of crap pills or not.
Myself: Exactly. Let me put it this way. Are you overweight?
CPTF: Hell no!
Myself: O.K. Cochise. Calm down over there. Let me put it another way then. Do you know anybody who is overweight and if you do what are their primary problems?
CPTF: Well, people are little snowflakes, all different in their own way with different needs, abilities and….
Myself: Hey Clear Path to Fitness! Cut the bullshit and answer the question honestly. Great, you are making me do the interviewing now.
CPTF: Dude, calm down you melon sized cranium washed up meat head. I was getting to it.
Myself: Sorry, please continue.
CPTF: What I was trying to say after the whole Oprah like snowflake comment is that people who are overweight tend to do certain things. For one they tend to have unrealistic expectations on what kind of results they can actually get out of workout and diet routine. They don’t take into account their genetics nor the incredible amount of hard work it takes to try and turn a Chihuahua into a Pitubull (If that is even possible).
(Yes, they like to chew on their Nylabones. But those big beautiful heads are more a result of their Bully Heads than anything else)
Myself: What else
CPTF: Overweight people also tend to be really dishonest with themselves in that statistically it has been proven that the more overweight you are the more you tend to over estimate your exercise output and under estimate you caloric intake.
Myself: Wow, that is pretty interesting. I did not know that. Anything else?
CPTF: No, that is about it for right now.
Myself: O.K. Let me ask you this then. Have you ever known of an overweight person who got that way, who got really FAT, by eating pills?
CPTF: No, that’s silly.
Myself: Of course it is. But here is the truth. The golden nugget, take away fact that will instantly help you lose more weight starting right here, right now, the morning the first day of 2012:
YOU DIDN’T GET FAT EATING PILLS SO YOU AREN’T GOING TO GET THIN EATING PILLS EITHER.
(I am sure she wouldn’t be eating that cake if she knew how many pills are up inside of it. Those pills man, they will kill ya.)
CPTF: Crap, that’s a pretty bold statement. So you are telling us those pills don’t only not “work” but they might also lead people away from addressing the real causes that got them into the situation they are in, in the first place?
Myself: Somewhat. Fat Burning Pills “work” in so much that they jazz you up and help your body mobilize fat from within the cells. The only problem is if you are not already working out very rigorously (which takes many years to actually be able to do beyond a perceived amount of intensity a.k.a I think I work hard ) and eating a very strict diet you will never mobilize enough of that fat to make any difference outside of lightening your wallet.
CPTF: So what you are saying is that fat burning pills can help the lean version of the one percent get a little leaner but will probably do little for a person who hasn’t got the basics covered and has done so for several years?
Myself: Pretty much. The rich basically get richer while the overweight basically get more overweight and frustrated.
CPTF: Thanks Mike. That is some pretty eye opening stuff. I guess what that means is I should probably drop my credit card and close the window down to the supplement website I was on while pretending to be listening to you on the phone. Instead of clicking and purchasing I will get myself to the grocery store and buy and then prepare my meals for the week so that I actually start doing the things that actually make people lose weight.
Myself: Yes Clear Path to Fitness. That is the funny thing about behaviors. You actually have to “behave them” to make them work.
(Yes people, the key to losing weight lies in make in the right choices up there. You are not going to find it in a aisle down here)
No comments:
Post a Comment