Weird Science, Weight Loss and Late Night Eating

Hey Shank!

I am committed to building the body of my dreams!  I hired a trainer named Franz.  He is the 1978 Mr. Five Counties Bodybuilding Champion (sponsored by Banana Hammock Posing Trunks).  He told me the key to getting ripped “Old School Style” is not to eat after 8 p.m., especially Carbs.  After putting on an impressive display of poses emphasizing his incredible symmetry, Franz said that if I take his advice the fat will literally fall off my body!

What do you think?

(Sometimes “Old School” methods should be sent to the retirement village where they belong)

Signed,

Desperate to have Chicks like me.

Dear Desperate,

Congratulations on making a positive decision to change your body!  I wish you the best of luck but your trainer Franz is insane.

The “Old School” belief that you will lose more weight if you don’t eat late at night is based on ideas ranging from it somehow interfering with your sleep to your body processes calories differently later in the day and therefore is more likely to store them as fat.

Basically the entire concept rides on either end of the “makes no sense” teeter totter.

(I really wish I could un-see this)

Sure, people who don’t eat later at night will lose weight but it has nothing to do with the “Dude Science” the concept is based on.  In my experience what happens in the long run is strategies like these always backfire, resulting in people gaining back the weight they lost and then some.  I know some bodybuilders who use this as a “technique” but they only do it for a short period of time and only for as long as their biofeedback dictates.

The advantage of not eating late at night is that you are simply not eating.  You eat less, you weigh less.  When it comes to the first point, that somehow calories you consume at night are more likely turn to fat, know that the average person doesn’t process calories any different at night versus the day any more than they processes calories different on Monday versus how they do on Tuesday.  In fact, and this might be Modern Nutrition Heresy, for regular people (you know those people who account for 80% of the population) the entire concept of nutrient timing has absolutely no practical value, but that is a subject for another blog.

When it comes to the second point, the possible sleep issues, I can tell you two things for sure when it comes to copping some Z’s.  Most people I know tend to sleep better at night when:

1.  They aren’t pissed off and stressed out.

2.  They have a little food in their stomaches, especially carbohydrates.

(Frankie and Lily sleep well at night because they don’t have jobs and they get their tummy’s rubbed everyday.  It has nothing to do with not eating at night.) 

Now in Franz’s defense (Those huge Pecs of his didn’t come from nowhere) eating late at night can be dangerous when it comes to weight loss simply because most people don’t eat enough during the day (especially the “air sandwich” they have for breakfast). By nightfall they are starving.  Think about it.  If your body needs 1500 calories per day to function and you only give it 250, eventually you are going to have a problem.  You are going to be hungry.  Combine this along with the fact there are only so many Seinfeld Re-runs you can watch after a long day at work and you wind up with one bored and hungry person.

Hunger along with boredom is not good.  It always results in overeating.  In fact if I was trying to build the perfect fat guy like Wyatt and Gary built the perfect hot chick in in Weird Science, the first two ingredients I would add in would be hunger and boredom.

(If there is one thing he knows, it’s female stats.  Anything more than a handful you are risking a sprained wrist.)

So what to do?  First off eat your breakfast!  In English that means a lean protein with a little bit of healthy fat (i.e. whole eggs or egg whites with a little cheese, steak, lean turkey sausage or protein powder and some fish oil etc.) and a wholesome carbohydrate (real whole grain bread, oatmeal, fiber rich cereals etc.)  If you can get a vegetable source like onions, peppers or spinach in there then more power to you. Or if you want to replace the starchy carbohydrates with a couple pieces of fruit because you find you body handles them better then knock yourself out.

Next make sure you eat a dinner with some real muscle to it and that doesn’t mean the over marketed crap you pick up at your local fast food joint:

(Soak up the reality people.  Their marketing is so good they could put a piece of your poop between those buns and make it look good.)

Dinner means a lean protein (properly prepared fish, beef, chicken, pork etc.), a portion controlled serving of carbohydrates, and a vegetable (no, ketchup does not count as a vegetable).  

If late at night you are still hungry then eat dammit!  Just not an entire tube of Pillsbury Cookie Dough.  Try some protein in the form of a shake with added fiber, a couple scrambled eggs or small portion of tuna and if need be some fruit like an apple, pear, orange or some other reasonably sized carbohydrate source.  

Then move on with your life!  Stop living in the past and focus on what you need to do today to make yourself healthier, stronger and more fit.  

Hope that helps.  

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

 

(Damn those look good.  Too bad psycho cookie boy is going to come from the shadows and tear his doughy ass apart.)

The Paleo Diet is Horse Crap

Uga Shaka, Uga Shaka, Uga Shaka Grunt Grunt Shank:  We want to know what you think about the Paleo Diet?

Signed collectively,

The Geico Caveman, Captain Caveman, Fred Flintstone, Encino Man and Frozen Caveman Lawyer (Everybody’s favorite pre historic Rat Pack)

(Frozen Caveman Lawyer.  Definitely one of the most under appreciated SNL skits of all time.  God rest your soul Phil Hartman.)

Dear Ancient Version of Dean Martin, Sammy Davis and Frank Sinatra,

I had two reasons why I was a little apprehensive about titling this blog “The Paleo Diet is Horse Crap” but then again I couldn’t pass up the attention a controversial title would drum up:

1.  Horse crap is natural.  It is not composed of white flour, white sugar or dairy products so there is the chance that some Paleo Dieters might mistake this post as a recipe and start eating Equine Poop. I didn’t want that on my head.

2.  The Paleo Diet IS NOT really Horse Crap.  Actually as far as fad diets go, in theory at least, it can be a very healthy and very effective way to lose weight.  

Before we go any further let me explain exactly what the Paleo Diet is to those of you out there who may have no idea what the heck we are talking about.

A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON

The Paleo Diet was first made popular in the 1970′s by a guy named  Dr. Walter L. Voegtlin who was a Gastroenterologist.  Since that time numerous papers have been written about it but much of the credit for it’s modern popularity goes to a guy named Loren Cordain.  Please understand that Cordain is not even remotely close to being the only “Paleo Pope” out there he is just one of the more well known one’s.

The whole theory behind the Paleo Diet is this:

You take modern equivalents of foods that where available to prehistoric man and you eat only that.  According to one of the Bishops of the Paleo Church, a guy named Rob Wolf  ”If it’s not meat, fish, fowl, vegetables, fruits, roots tubers or nuts…it’s a no-go”.

In their defense (as if they need one from me) the Paleo people do emphasize that the Paleo Diet is a lifestyle incorporating amongst other things,  stress reduction techniques and an emphasis on proper sleep.  Sounds good so far.  Also the diet does allow some room for individual “tinkering” after a proposed strict induction phase lasting several weeks to several months depending once again numerous factors one of which is how far gone your health is.

(A sample “Paleo Meal” of fish and some vegetables.  Not bad, actually it is really nutrient dense and devoid of empty calories a.k.a. Healthy.  Certainly a step up from what Cave People actually ate as seen below)

(That my friends is a giant grub.  Grubs and many other insect like creatures formed a good bulk of pre historic mans diet as things like fresh fish and wild game weren’t always so easy to catch as the steak and sea bass at your local Shop Rite.)

This then begs the question why would anybody NOT want to follow the Paleo Diet?  Healthy unrefined foods?  Check!  An emphasis on factors outside of diet but certainly contributing to health like proper sleep, exercise and rest?  Check!

HERE IS THE RUB

The Paleo diet is a great idea!  There is it, I said it.  Still I don’t recommend it to most if not all of my people for the three following reasons:

Reason #1:  It is based on horse crap science:

Paleolithic Humans, the Pre Agrarian People this whole diet is based on, roamed the earth between 2.5 million B.C. till about 10,000 years ago.  Some of them still exist in small and isolated parts of the world.  If you aren’t good at math let me break this one down for you;  THAT IS 2.5 MILLION YEARS!  Way to narrow it down guys.  A lot can happen in 2.5 million years even without public transportation.  Over that period of time people lived in many different parts of the globe and they ate pretty much whatever their environment gave them access to including a variety of grains which is just one more food the Paleo people forbid.  Further more for some this meant a diet high in meat and for others there might not have been much meat at all.

I proudly once dated the best looking Doctor of Anthropology this side of the Smithsonian and she told me that despite an adult lifetime of studying these people and their diets even as “recent” as 80,000 years ago, it was still very difficult if not impossible to tell exactly what they ate in one part of the world let alone the entire planet.  Sure they had some good ideas, these scientists aren’t dopes, but to be able to nail the whole thing down and condense it into a 300 page best selling book…no way!

(One thing scientist are sure of…during times of famine Pre Historic People did sometimes snack on their young for survival.  Wonder if that made it into the book?)

The other thing I resent is this idea that Pre Historic People were somehow these walking models of perfect health like they were a bunch of pre nose job Bruce Jenners running and living in caves:

(Seriously Dude, you were a Stud!  What the hell were you thinking?)

For the most part Pre Historic People lived hard and brutal lives.  Sometimes people lived long and were very healthy but throw in an ice age or two and as stated before a lot can happen over a couple million years especially if you live at the whim of nature with no access to modern medicine, central heat or grocery stores.  Pre-Historic peoples health was pretty much at the mercy of their environment (much like it seems with people today sadly enough).  To try and emulate that if you don’t live in their environment is when things get tricky.

Reason #2:  It is as difficult for most people to follow for a lifetime as eating actual horse crap

I am going to make this one short and sweet since I have already ranted on too long.  I have known people who have followed the Paleo Diet ranging in time from six minutes, six hours, six days, six weeks and even six years.  You know what winds up happening to almost all of them?  They wind of freebasing  a loaf of bread at the Macaroni Grill like it was a giant ball of cocaine and they were Richard Pryor:

(Back in the day they had Richard Pryor and Earth, Wind and Fire.  Today we have Justin Bieber and ….aw screw it.  I am just going to wind up making myself depressed again.)

The bottom line is the Paleo Diet has huge issues with sustainability when it comes to a large majority of the “non-hardcore” population of which I am a member and a really big fan.  All the gimmicky excitement aside that means it just doesn’t work for me.  

Reason #3:  It is horse crap for vegetarians:

I know a lot of vegetarians many of whom can’t feature eating a diet with enough eggs to turn Rhode Island into a Souffle.  If that is the case then this is basically what the Paleo diet has to say to them:

(Pissed off old ladies are nothing to trifle with.  First they blind you with a face blast of their endless supply of baby powder then they stomp you to death with their walker.  I hate when that happens.)

Conclusion:

The Paleo Diet.  If you are following it because you find it convenient, it makes you feel good or you honestly believe that it is a better way to live then God Bless You and carnavate (not sure if that is a real word or not, actually I think I just made it up) to your hearts content.  My only advice would be not to get so anal retentive about it or treat it like it is some kind of religion because then you become really annoying like one of those people who did all the drugs and had sex with everyone on two legs but then finds God and thinks nobody else should even see an R movie.  In a nutshell if you want to include some milk, yogurt, wheat bread or God forbid the occasional hot dog or two then go a head.  Any diet you cannot live on consistently or exist on without pissing off everybody around you is going to fail over the long term and in the end that is all that matters.

The Caveman eating plan can be a healthy one because of what is NOT on the menu and not all the phony Dude Science it is built up on.  Any diet that doesn’t include daily hits of Pizza Hut, McDonalds, KFC, Soda, Doughnuts, cookies, cakes, pies, 500 calorie bagels with 300 calorie schmears of cream cheese, “energy drinks” and chicken parm sandwiches stuffed with mozzarella sticks and french fries (whoa!  that sounds like the buffet I am going to have at my wedding) is going to help you lose weight.  You don’t need a gimmick to do that.

(Despite it’s Leni Riefenstahl “Triumph of the Will” like propaganda promoting the Cave Man Lifestyle, Fruity Pebbles doesn’t make the Paleo list of approved foods.  In retrospect maybe that is a good thing.)

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

Garlic, Weight Loss and Sandy from Grease

Hey Shank,

My trainer just told me where I can get this supplement that has “natures antibiotic” a.k.a Garlic in it.  He told me not only does garlic have amazing heart health and cancer fighting benefits but it can also make you burn more BELLY FAT!  Just thought I would pass this on.  Can’t wait to see you get all you Clients on this product.  I have enclosed the add and my trainers special discount code.

Signed,

Don Quixote “Dreamer of the Impossible Dream”

Dear Don,

I must say that I am very happy for both you and your trainer.  Seriously.

I say this because recently I have gotten a couple emails claiming that I am too mean. That I insult the fitness public and it’s “professionals” with my mostly negative ranting and raving about how silly, stupid and terrible everything is when it comes to the modern weight loss industry.

The way these people carried on you would think I was a male version of the Fitness Dominatrix that Crunch Gyms rolled out several years ago:

(Now drop and give me twenty pushups worm!  You know after staring at this photo for ten minutes I finally realized how crappy the guy in the red shirt’s form is.)

The reality is I am a really nice guy.  At least that’s what my dogs tell me every time they look up at me like I am some beefy version of God:

(I love you too Franklin and Lily.  Authors note:  This is not a photo of Frankie after he killed Lily.  She is just pooped from too much play.)

The problem really isn’t me, no, it’s all this nonsense out there which is nothing more than a sales pitch disguised as good science.  Two things for the record:

1.  I took a look at the supplement ad you sent me and I can tell you that with good probability your trainer is getting a cut of the action hence his special “discount code”.  I have familiarity with the company and the fact he is touting a specific product from them represents one giant conflict of interest.

2.  You will not prevent cancer, you will not prevent heart disease and you will not lose BELLY FAT by supplementing your diet with Garlic or any supplement that has Garlic in it unless you combine all that pill popping with a calorie controlled and nutrient rich diet consisting of fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, low fat grains, lean proteins and everything else your freaking Mom has been telling you to eat since you were a kid.  As a side note if you did the above you could fight cancer, fight heart disease and lose total body fat and never have to touch a garlic supplement for the rest of your life.

(One…Two…Three…Four hundred pounds I shall gain because I cannot supplement my diet with Garlic!)

Hey, is garlic good for you?  Of course it is if you use it as part of a healthy meal like the recipe listed below.  But that is about all Garlic is going to do for you.  It’s going to make healthy foods taste a little better, add a little nutritional punch to your meals and make your breath stink.  But that is about it.  Despite it’s ability to bitch slap a Vampire or two even Garlic has it’s limits.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I know, I know.  She’s hot as hell.  Trust me I get it.  I saw the movie too and she had the look with the hair and those freaking pants.  Even way back in 1980 when I first saw this scene she made me thank God I was a man and I was only five years old at the time.  Problem is she could eat a Garlic Bulb the size of Greased Lighting and if she sucks back enough of those bad boys even a hickey from Kenickie isn’t going to save her. )

Healthy Garlic Recipe:

I got this one from www.allrecipes.com   It is a great one that is easy to make:

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/easy-garlic-and-rosemary-chicken/

Wedding Bells, Hormones and Grandma Arms

(Authors Note:  I love Grandma Arms.  I pray to God every night that I will be lucky enough to live long enough to have a pair of my own.  But in our youth obsessed/piss on anything old society these questions do come up)

Dear Shank,

I love your blog! But now I need some advice. I am getting married in June.  I have been on a diet and already lost twenty pounds.  I am looking to lose about ten more.   Its just my arms, they are so flabby and gross.  They have always been a problem for me and I just want to know if there are any exercises I can do to tone them up.  Please help, when I go sleeveless I look like somebody’s Grandmother.   It has gotten so bad that dirty old men flip their AARP cards at me with their phone numbers written on the back.  They reek of mothballs and Ben Gay.  Gross!

Signed,

The Girl Billy Idol is going to Marry at his White Wedding.

Dear Future Mrs. Idol:
First off , Congratulations on your Wedding!  Secondly, and this is not to get on my mad dad soap box, but there is a disturbing trend with women and extreme dieting/exercise to get as thin as possible for their wedding (usually winding up with them looking like heroin addicts wearing too much makeup).  Please don’t do that.  The only exercise routines that really “work” are ones that are part of a committed lifestyle change, not just something you do to get ready to walk down the aisle.

(Don’t be that chick.  You think you are going to be mad when he forgets to take out the garbage?  Wait till you see his reaction after he marries Twiggy and winds up with Jabba the Hut.  The same thing goes for you guys too. Have some self respect.)

Now When it comes to arms, specifically flabby triceps, we have a three tiered approach starting with basic solutions and then if necessary working toward the more complex.

Part 1 The basics:

Good news because you have got this covered. The first step in toning up your arms is to lose some weight.  The amount necessary varies for each person based on a lot off stuff ranging from genetics to how overweight you are starting out but generally if you can lose at least 10% of your bodyweight (160lbs = 16lbs of weight loss etc.) that is a good place to start.  Why 10%?  I have no idea, I really just pulled that number out of my Ass.  It’s just after years in the gym I find that with most people real noticable changes occur around 10% so do with that number what you will.  People love numbers, whether they make any sense or not.

The reason why weight loss is so important to having more toned arms is often times muscle tone is hidden under a layers of fat. In fact you could have the most toned arms in the world but if you are carrying around extra weight nobody will know about it and you will be stuck shopping in the ladies version of the husky section (a.k.a Lane Bryant).

Part 2:  The Exercises
There are a lot of good exercise routines, even if you don’t want to go to the gym.  The most important thing to remember (and this was the subject of one of our prior blog posts) is because the arms are involved in most total body movements, to limit your routine to arm specific exercises would not only be a sin, it would be relatively inneffective since that is not only what arms were designed to do.   Arms were designed to work in relative isolation but also they were meant to be used in conjunction or as part of whole body motion to produce faster, more powerful and more efficient movment patterns. Hence our ability to survive long enough on the frozen tundra to be around to invent the wheel.

Isolation movements like curls and pushdowns have their place but when done correctly are only part of the solution, they are not the entire solution regardless of what your favorite “anorexic, boob implanted, airbrushed genetic freak covergirl having fitness magazine might tell you.

(You know what Shape Magazine?  Go get bent.  I just wish one of these fitness rags would take the advice of my colleague Willis Paine and put the title “You Too Will Never Look Like Me” on the cover.)

Here is a good solid whole body routine that is to be done three times per week . It will surely handle the exercise portion of your question. Make sure to do the movements slowly and generate maximal tension in the targeted muscles. Perform 1 to 3 sets of 10 to 15 reps each exercise with time, individual recovery and conditioning permitting.

1. Squat and Shoulder Press (dumbbells or bands)
2. Row (dumbbells or bands)
3. Lunges
4. Pushups
5. Double or Single Leg Deadlifts (Dumbbells)
6. Biceps Curls (arms baby yeah!)
7. Lying triceps presses or band pushdowns (alternate from workout to workout)
8. Cross knee crunches
9. Side or regular planks (alternate each workout) held for 30 seconds/1 minute each
10. Ball Leg curls (Or just use furniture movers from bed bath and beyond. You can find them in the beyond section right next to the time machine and the flux capacitor but more about this later)
11. Dumbbell side raises or dumbbell reverse flys (you alternate these two from workout to workout)
12. Abductions (with side lying on a ball or with an exertube at the ankles)

When I do this routine, especially during times when I have that not so fresh feeling due to my flabby triceps,  I like to pick 3 or 4 of the twelve exercises and pair them into 3 or 4 groups and do them all back to back to back to back with little or no rest in between. I find this puts me in a tremendous oxygen debt and insures my metabolism will get maximal stimulation from the workout. On days I feel crappy because life has interfered with my plans of world domination via incredibly firm glutes I will dial the intensity down a bit and do only two exercises back to back or just do straight sets one at a time but that is all depending upon how bad my day went.

After I am done with the lifting I also like to do 7 or 8 “sprints” on a given piece of cardio equipment for 30 seconds on (super hard effort) and 1 minute off (easier effort but by no means am I punishing a dozen large from Double D while on the treadmill or reading the style section of the New York Times) but this will also vary depending upon your conditioning and general biofeedback.

(I think they are doing this wrong)

Part 3  The Hormones:

The last area and probably the one you have the least amount of control over but which must be examined if the first two genuinely fail is hormones. Typically when we find people (almost always women) who have a genetic predisposition to storing fat in their arms it can be due to high levels of estrogen. What can be done about this? Not a damn thing that is within my scope of practice or anybody’s else’s scope of practice unless their last name has the intial’s M. “friggin” D. after it (I make a point of this because you will find no shortage of low life’s in the fitness industry who will try to sell you a pill or some other vaccum sucking seaweed nonsense as a solution to your problem).

So after you have lost all the weight and have been on your routine for a while (minimum twelve weeks at three times a week equaling thirty six workouts) you might choose to sit down with your physician and discuss options. We find that this applies consistently well to women who have had progesterone issues, ovarian issues, or are on some types of prescription medications. Menopause doesn’t help much with this situation either.  On a personal note who we find this doesn’t  apply consistently well to is the Oprah “my thyroid is bad, it’s not the two bags of organic corn sun blue chips I scarf down every day” crowd.  But once again, and I can’t emphasize this enough, if you  feel your issue is genuinely related to your hormonal issues you need to sit down with a real doctor and figure it out.

(I don’t care if they are organic.  I don’t care if they are blue.  You eat the entire bag and your pants are no longer going to fit on you.  Garden of Eatin my butt.)

Conclusion:

As stated before I don’t do conclusions because typically I am already too verbose and often stricken with diarrhea of the mouth so let me just some this one up quickly by saying I hope this information helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

Five Foods You Should Never Eat if You Want to Lose Belly Fat?

Hey Shank,

I am thirty pounds overweight.  My Superstar Online Trainer told me that there are five foods you should never eat if you want to lose belly fat.  They are:

Whole Wheat Bread, Artificial Sweetners, Orange Juice, Butter Substitutes and Soy Milk.

I know with his advice I am going to be ripped in time for summer.  This will be the year the girls finally notice me.  Once I take my shirt off they won’t be able to help themselves!

What do you think about that!

Signed,

Empty on the Inside

Dear Empty,

I think you and your trainer should seriously consider couples therapy.

Why?

Because you are both INSANE!  And I don’t mean insane in a good way like how the Cookie Monster acts when you give him his daily fix of dough.

I mean insane like in you both are delusional and need help.  Let me explain.

Stumbling Block #1:  Belly Fat B.S.

When I say Belly Fat B.S. I don’t mean a Bachelor of Science Degree in having a fat belly which you might receive if you spend enough time at KFC.  No, the B.S. that I am talking about comes from the potty hole of a Bull and it is expressed here in the notion that you can specifically target fat that forms around your belly.

Let me put it this way.  Unless your Dr. is Hannibal Lecter, when you go to donate blood they don’t stick one needle in your chin, one needle in your arm, one in your leg and another one in your knee.  Why?  Because you don’t have knee blood, chin blood, leg blood or arm blood.  You just have good old systemic blood.  The same goes for body fat.

(If this guy is your Primary Care Physician you had better change your HMO Stat!)

Now maybe once you lose twenty or thirty pounds if you still have a predominance of your body fat remaining around your belly that might tell us something (like you have a problem tolerating carbohydrates) but you are just generally sloppy and out of shape. 

Stumbling Block #2:  Forbidden Foods

Let’s get this out of the way right now.  There are no bad foods.  Only the wrong foods, eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time (Thanks to Dr. John Berardi for that one).  The second your start forbidding stuff you begin to set up a mystique and an aura around it and when you eventually do fall off the wagon you wind up going nuts and rubbing cookie dough all over yourself and sticking Pizza down your pants.

(F@#king Chuck Norris)

You need to knock that crap off!  There is really only one food you really “can’t” eat when you are trying to lose weight but that food is different for each person and the rule in general doesn’t apply to everybody (this will be the title of a later blog called “Trigger Foods, The Trigger Finger that shoots your diet in the foot”).

So let’s quickly address your “Forbidden Foods”:

1.  Whole Wheat Bread:  I cannot possibly see how having a couple slices of whole wheat bread on your Turkey Sandwich for lunch or a couple of slices of whole wheat toast with a little bit of jelly along with your morning eggs is going to make you fat.

Now if you throw in a bag of chips or cheetos along with that sandwich and then down it with a 32 oz soda and a case of tasty-cakes, sure it’s a good time, but you aren’t going to lose weight that way.  Just don’t blame the whole wheat bread for crying out loud.

I have seen the diets of hundreds of fat people and I can tell you without a doubt that not one of them was getting jacked up on Whole Wheat Bread.

2.  Artificial Sweeteners:  Let’s get this one out of the way quickly.  Here is how artificial sweetners make people fat

Exhibit A:  I want a whole cornbeef sandwich with extra meat, a side of chips, an extra large coleslaw and a diet coke because you know every little bit helps.

Exhibit B:  I will have four slices of pepperoni pizza and a diet coke because you know that sugar will kill you.

Exhibit C:  I drink diet coke, now I can eat whatever I want all day.

Exhibit D:  I cut out diet sodas and artificial sweeteners and lost ten pounds.  I also stopped eating doughnuts, cookies, pizza and began an exercise routine five days a week but I know it was the diet soda that holding me back that entire time.

3.  Orange Juice:  One of the thinnest guys I know drinks orange juice every day.  The secret:  He drinks only one four ounce glass a day.  Now while a four ouncer might be impressive as Lindsay Lohans shot glass it is not a whole lot of calories.

(She used to be so pretty.  Seriously kids:  Don’t Do Drugs.  But if you do, don’t do a lot of them.)

You ever hear the saying “The Customer is Always Right”?  It’s Wrong.  The Customer is insane.  When hotels and restaurants used to serve us orange juice in that little glass the universal response was “Hey, You are Ripping Us Off”!  So then came the eight then the twelve ounce glass which was just the cherry on top the United States “We are Fat because we eat too freakin much of everything” Sundae.  

4.  Butter Substitutes:  Put a pat or two of a butter substitute on a slice of wheat toast or a pat or two on a plain baked potato and you should be o.k.  Slather a couple pounds of it on a 500 calorie bagel and your Tucchis is guaranteed to grow.

Perfect case in point; One time gave this fat guy came to me with a list of snacks his Doctor gave him.  One of the snacks was half a bagel.  He was completely enraged saying “Who Eats Half a Bagel”.  My answer:  Thin People.

5.  Soy Milk:  This one I kind of understand.  To my logic if you don’t have boobies, you can’t have milk and I ain’t never seen no boobies on no soy bean.  Soy Milk is a joke but you know what?  It beats convulsing on the toilet if you can’t tolerate dairy on your cornflakes.

Once again, I have looked at the diets of hundreds of fat people and what I noticed was a lot of ice cream, fast food, air sandwiches for breakfast, cream cheese bagels and an excessive amount of alcohol.  Soy Milk doesn’t even make the list.

(I was looking for a good milk on the toilet shot and then I saw this on google images and was fascinated by it.  I have no idea what is going on here, maybe he is lactose intolerant too.  I just think he should pull his pants down before he takes a poo.  What he is doing kind of defeats the purpose)

Conclusion

There will be no conclusion here.  This damn blog post was already too long to begin with.

Good night.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (I just won’t dip them in milk)

Mike