Wedding Bells, Hormones and Grandma Arms

(Authors Note:  I love Grandma Arms.  I pray to God every night that I will be lucky enough to live long enough to have a pair of my own.  But in our youth obsessed/piss on anything old society these questions do come up)

Dear Shank,

I love your blog! But now I need some advice. I am getting married in June.  I have been on a diet and already lost twenty pounds.  I am looking to lose about ten more.   Its just my arms, they are so flabby and gross.  They have always been a problem for me and I just want to know if there are any exercises I can do to tone them up.  Please help, when I go sleeveless I look like somebody’s Grandmother.   It has gotten so bad that dirty old men flip their AARP cards at me with their phone numbers written on the back.  They reek of mothballs and Ben Gay.  Gross!

Signed,

The Girl Billy Idol is going to Marry at his White Wedding.

Dear Future Mrs. Idol:
First off , Congratulations on your Wedding!  Secondly, and this is not to get on my mad dad soap box, but there is a disturbing trend with women and extreme dieting/exercise to get as thin as possible for their wedding (usually winding up with them looking like heroin addicts wearing too much makeup).  Please don’t do that.  The only exercise routines that really “work” are ones that are part of a committed lifestyle change, not just something you do to get ready to walk down the aisle.

(Don’t be that chick.  You think you are going to be mad when he forgets to take out the garbage?  Wait till you see his reaction after he marries Twiggy and winds up with Jabba the Hut.  The same thing goes for you guys too. Have some self respect.)

Now When it comes to arms, specifically flabby triceps, we have a three tiered approach starting with basic solutions and then if necessary working toward the more complex.

Part 1 The basics:

Good news because you have got this covered. The first step in toning up your arms is to lose some weight.  The amount necessary varies for each person based on a lot off stuff ranging from genetics to how overweight you are starting out but generally if you can lose at least 10% of your bodyweight (160lbs = 16lbs of weight loss etc.) that is a good place to start.  Why 10%?  I have no idea, I really just pulled that number out of my Ass.  It’s just after years in the gym I find that with most people real noticable changes occur around 10% so do with that number what you will.  People love numbers, whether they make any sense or not.

The reason why weight loss is so important to having more toned arms is often times muscle tone is hidden under a layers of fat. In fact you could have the most toned arms in the world but if you are carrying around extra weight nobody will know about it and you will be stuck shopping in the ladies version of the husky section (a.k.a Lane Bryant).

Part 2:  The Exercises
There are a lot of good exercise routines, even if you don’t want to go to the gym.  The most important thing to remember (and this was the subject of one of our prior blog posts) is because the arms are involved in most total body movements, to limit your routine to arm specific exercises would not only be a sin, it would be relatively inneffective since that is not only what arms were designed to do.   Arms were designed to work in relative isolation but also they were meant to be used in conjunction or as part of whole body motion to produce faster, more powerful and more efficient movment patterns. Hence our ability to survive long enough on the frozen tundra to be around to invent the wheel.

Isolation movements like curls and pushdowns have their place but when done correctly are only part of the solution, they are not the entire solution regardless of what your favorite “anorexic, boob implanted, airbrushed genetic freak covergirl having fitness magazine might tell you.

(You know what Shape Magazine?  Go get bent.  I just wish one of these fitness rags would take the advice of my colleague Willis Paine and put the title “You Too Will Never Look Like Me” on the cover.)

Here is a good solid whole body routine that is to be done three times per week . It will surely handle the exercise portion of your question. Make sure to do the movements slowly and generate maximal tension in the targeted muscles. Perform 1 to 3 sets of 10 to 15 reps each exercise with time, individual recovery and conditioning permitting.

1. Squat and Shoulder Press (dumbbells or bands)
2. Row (dumbbells or bands)
3. Lunges
4. Pushups
5. Double or Single Leg Deadlifts (Dumbbells)
6. Biceps Curls (arms baby yeah!)
7. Lying triceps presses or band pushdowns (alternate from workout to workout)
8. Cross knee crunches
9. Side or regular planks (alternate each workout) held for 30 seconds/1 minute each
10. Ball Leg curls (Or just use furniture movers from bed bath and beyond. You can find them in the beyond section right next to the time machine and the flux capacitor but more about this later)
11. Dumbbell side raises or dumbbell reverse flys (you alternate these two from workout to workout)
12. Abductions (with side lying on a ball or with an exertube at the ankles)

When I do this routine, especially during times when I have that not so fresh feeling due to my flabby triceps,  I like to pick 3 or 4 of the twelve exercises and pair them into 3 or 4 groups and do them all back to back to back to back with little or no rest in between. I find this puts me in a tremendous oxygen debt and insures my metabolism will get maximal stimulation from the workout. On days I feel crappy because life has interfered with my plans of world domination via incredibly firm glutes I will dial the intensity down a bit and do only two exercises back to back or just do straight sets one at a time but that is all depending upon how bad my day went.

After I am done with the lifting I also like to do 7 or 8 “sprints” on a given piece of cardio equipment for 30 seconds on (super hard effort) and 1 minute off (easier effort but by no means am I punishing a dozen large from Double D while on the treadmill or reading the style section of the New York Times) but this will also vary depending upon your conditioning and general biofeedback.

(I think they are doing this wrong)

Part 3  The Hormones:

The last area and probably the one you have the least amount of control over but which must be examined if the first two genuinely fail is hormones. Typically when we find people (almost always women) who have a genetic predisposition to storing fat in their arms it can be due to high levels of estrogen. What can be done about this? Not a damn thing that is within my scope of practice or anybody’s else’s scope of practice unless their last name has the intial’s M. “friggin” D. after it (I make a point of this because you will find no shortage of low life’s in the fitness industry who will try to sell you a pill or some other vaccum sucking seaweed nonsense as a solution to your problem).

So after you have lost all the weight and have been on your routine for a while (minimum twelve weeks at three times a week equaling thirty six workouts) you might choose to sit down with your physician and discuss options. We find that this applies consistently well to women who have had progesterone issues, ovarian issues, or are on some types of prescription medications. Menopause doesn’t help much with this situation either.  On a personal note who we find this doesn’t  apply consistently well to is the Oprah “my thyroid is bad, it’s not the two bags of organic corn sun blue chips I scarf down every day” crowd.  But once again, and I can’t emphasize this enough, if you  feel your issue is genuinely related to your hormonal issues you need to sit down with a real doctor and figure it out.

(I don’t care if they are organic.  I don’t care if they are blue.  You eat the entire bag and your pants are no longer going to fit on you.  Garden of Eatin my butt.)

Conclusion:

As stated before I don’t do conclusions because typically I am already too verbose and often stricken with diarrhea of the mouth so let me just some this one up quickly by saying I hope this information helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

Five Foods You Should Never Eat if You Want to Lose Belly Fat?

Hey Shank,

I am thirty pounds overweight.  My Superstar Online Trainer told me that there are five foods you should never eat if you want to lose belly fat.  They are:

Whole Wheat Bread, Artificial Sweetners, Orange Juice, Butter Substitutes and Soy Milk.

I know with his advice I am going to be ripped in time for summer.  This will be the year the girls finally notice me.  Once I take my shirt off they won’t be able to help themselves!

What do you think about that!

Signed,

Empty on the Inside

Dear Empty,

I think you and your trainer should seriously consider couples therapy.

Why?

Because you are both INSANE!  And I don’t mean insane in a good way like how the Cookie Monster acts when you give him his daily fix of dough.

I mean insane like in you both are delusional and need help.  Let me explain.

Stumbling Block #1:  Belly Fat B.S.

When I say Belly Fat B.S. I don’t mean a Bachelor of Science Degree in having a fat belly which you might receive if you spend enough time at KFC.  No, the B.S. that I am talking about comes from the potty hole of a Bull and it is expressed here in the notion that you can specifically target fat that forms around your belly.

Let me put it this way.  Unless your Dr. is Hannibal Lecter, when you go to donate blood they don’t stick one needle in your chin, one needle in your arm, one in your leg and another one in your knee.  Why?  Because you don’t have knee blood, chin blood, leg blood or arm blood.  You just have good old systemic blood.  The same goes for body fat.

(If this guy is your Primary Care Physician you had better change your HMO Stat!)

Now maybe once you lose twenty or thirty pounds if you still have a predominance of your body fat remaining around your belly that might tell us something (like you have a problem tolerating carbohydrates) but you are just generally sloppy and out of shape. 

Stumbling Block #2:  Forbidden Foods

Let’s get this out of the way right now.  There are no bad foods.  Only the wrong foods, eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time (Thanks to Dr. John Berardi for that one).  The second your start forbidding stuff you begin to set up a mystique and an aura around it and when you eventually do fall off the wagon you wind up going nuts and rubbing cookie dough all over yourself and sticking Pizza down your pants.

(F@#king Chuck Norris)

You need to knock that crap off!  There is really only one food you really “can’t” eat when you are trying to lose weight but that food is different for each person and the rule in general doesn’t apply to everybody (this will be the title of a later blog called “Trigger Foods, The Trigger Finger that shoots your diet in the foot”).

So let’s quickly address your “Forbidden Foods”:

1.  Whole Wheat Bread:  I cannot possibly see how having a couple slices of whole wheat bread on your Turkey Sandwich for lunch or a couple of slices of whole wheat toast with a little bit of jelly along with your morning eggs is going to make you fat.

Now if you throw in a bag of chips or cheetos along with that sandwich and then down it with a 32 oz soda and a case of tasty-cakes, sure it’s a good time, but you aren’t going to lose weight that way.  Just don’t blame the whole wheat bread for crying out loud.

I have seen the diets of hundreds of fat people and I can tell you without a doubt that not one of them was getting jacked up on Whole Wheat Bread.

2.  Artificial Sweeteners:  Let’s get this one out of the way quickly.  Here is how artificial sweetners make people fat

Exhibit A:  I want a whole cornbeef sandwich with extra meat, a side of chips, an extra large coleslaw and a diet coke because you know every little bit helps.

Exhibit B:  I will have four slices of pepperoni pizza and a diet coke because you know that sugar will kill you.

Exhibit C:  I drink diet coke, now I can eat whatever I want all day.

Exhibit D:  I cut out diet sodas and artificial sweeteners and lost ten pounds.  I also stopped eating doughnuts, cookies, pizza and began an exercise routine five days a week but I know it was the diet soda that holding me back that entire time.

3.  Orange Juice:  One of the thinnest guys I know drinks orange juice every day.  The secret:  He drinks only one four ounce glass a day.  Now while a four ouncer might be impressive as Lindsay Lohans shot glass it is not a whole lot of calories.

(She used to be so pretty.  Seriously kids:  Don’t Do Drugs.  But if you do, don’t do a lot of them.)

You ever hear the saying “The Customer is Always Right”?  It’s Wrong.  The Customer is insane.  When hotels and restaurants used to serve us orange juice in that little glass the universal response was “Hey, You are Ripping Us Off”!  So then came the eight then the twelve ounce glass which was just the cherry on top the United States “We are Fat because we eat too freakin much of everything” Sundae.  

4.  Butter Substitutes:  Put a pat or two of a butter substitute on a slice of wheat toast or a pat or two on a plain baked potato and you should be o.k.  Slather a couple pounds of it on a 500 calorie bagel and your Tucchis is guaranteed to grow.

Perfect case in point; One time gave this fat guy came to me with a list of snacks his Doctor gave him.  One of the snacks was half a bagel.  He was completely enraged saying “Who Eats Half a Bagel”.  My answer:  Thin People.

5.  Soy Milk:  This one I kind of understand.  To my logic if you don’t have boobies, you can’t have milk and I ain’t never seen no boobies on no soy bean.  Soy Milk is a joke but you know what?  It beats convulsing on the toilet if you can’t tolerate dairy on your cornflakes.

Once again, I have looked at the diets of hundreds of fat people and what I noticed was a lot of ice cream, fast food, air sandwiches for breakfast, cream cheese bagels and an excessive amount of alcohol.  Soy Milk doesn’t even make the list.

(I was looking for a good milk on the toilet shot and then I saw this on google images and was fascinated by it.  I have no idea what is going on here, maybe he is lactose intolerant too.  I just think he should pull his pants down before he takes a poo.  What he is doing kind of defeats the purpose)

Conclusion

There will be no conclusion here.  This damn blog post was already too long to begin with.

Good night.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (I just won’t dip them in milk)

Mike

Fat Burners and an Interview with Myself

Here is an exciting interview I just recently had with….Myself.

Clear Path to Fitness:  Hey Mike!  Have you heard about this new “fat burning, metabolism boosting, energy enhancing weight loss solution” that we have all been waiting for?

(Jesus, that’s a big bottle)

Myself: No, sorry I missed that one.  I was too busy having lunch with the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and a consistently thin Kirsty Allie.  We were having one pound burgers at the Fudruckers over in Imagination Land.

CPTF:  Wow.  You are a sarcastic S.O.B. aren’t you?

Myself:  Yeah, sorry about that.  It’s just hard not to be an angry douche sometimes with all that is going on in the fitness industry.

CPTF:  What do you mean my bitter bulky friend?

Myself:  You have to understand that I have dedicated my life to giving people honest advice when it comes to losing weight and getting in shape.  That takes thousands of hours of study and hard work.  Consequently it is kind of hard to see Registered Dieticians, Doctors, Certified Nutritionists and Trainers, all of whom should know better, make big bucks by telling sad, frustrated, sometimes lazy but always overweight people that the missing link to their weight loss problems comes in a bottle.

CPTF:  But is says right there on the bottle that the product is only for use with a proper exercise and nutrition program.

Myself:  That’s nice.  But its a lot like Tommy Boy said in the movie”Tommy Boy”:

I could put a piece of Shit in a Box and mark it guaranteed but all you are going to have is a guaranteed piece of shit.

(Yeah, I know he had a bit of a “weight problem” but he also had cat like reflexes and that has to count for something)

CPTF:  So you mean to say that just because they put it on the bottle doesn’t mean people will actually understand  the truth.  The truth that in order for those pills to do anything a person already has to be and stay on for the rest of their lives a consistent and sometimes difficult and constrictive exercise and eating plan.  Without that consistent plan those pills will probably do less than dick and that the consistent eating and workout plan alone would help them reach most of their goals whether they took those piece of crap pills or not.  

Myself:  Exactly.  Let me put it this way.  Are you overweight?

CPTF:  Hell no!

Myself:  O.K. Cochise.  Calm down  over there.  Let me put it another way then.  Do you know anybody who is overweight and if you do what are their primary problems?

CPTF:  Well, people are little snowflakes, all different in their own way with different needs, abilities and….

Myself:  Hey Clear Path to Fitness!  Cut the bullshit and answer the question honestly.  Great, you are making me do the interviewing now.

CPTF:  Dude, calm down you melon sized cranium washed up meat head.  I was getting to it.

Myself:  Sorry, please continue.

CPTF:  What I was trying to say after the whole Oprah like snowflake comment is that people who are overweight tend to do certain things.  For one they tend to have unrealistic expectations on what kind of results they can actually get out of workout and diet routine.  They don’t take into account their genetics nor the incredible amount of hard work it takes to try and turn a Chihuahua into a Pitubull (If that is even possible).

(Yes, they like to chew on their Nylabones.  But those big beautiful heads are more a result of their Bully Heads than anything else)

Myself:  What else

CPTF:  Overweight people also tend to be really dishonest with themselves in that statistically it has been proven that the more overweight you are the more you tend to over estimate your exercise output and under estimate you caloric intake.

Myself: Wow, that is pretty interesting.  I did not know that.  Anything else?

CPTF:  No, that is about it for right now.

Myself:  O.K.  Let me ask you this then.  Have you ever known of an overweight person who got that way, who got really FAT, by eating pills?

CPTF:  No, that’s silly.

Myself:  Of course it is.  But here is the truth.  The golden nugget, take away fact that will instantly help you lose more weight starting right here, right now, the morning the first day of 2012:

YOU DIDN’T GET FAT EATING PILLS SO YOU AREN’T GOING TO GET THIN EATING PILLS EITHER.

(I am sure she wouldn’t be eating that cake if she knew how many pills are up inside of it.  Those pills man, they will kill ya.)

CPTF:  Crap, that’s a pretty bold statement.  So you are telling us those pills don’t only not “work” but they might also lead people away from addressing the real causes that got them into the situation they are in, in the first place?

Myself:  Somewhat.  Fat Burning Pills “work” in so much that they jazz you up and help your body mobilize fat from within the cells.   The only problem is if you are not already working out very rigorously (which takes many years to actually be able to do beyond a perceived amount of intensity a.k.a I think I work hard ) and eating a very strict diet you will never mobilize enough of that fat to make any difference outside of lightening your wallet.

CPTF:  So what you are saying is that fat burning pills can help the lean version of the one percent get a little leaner but will probably do little for a person who hasn’t got the basics covered and has done so for several years?

Myself:  Pretty much.  The rich basically get richer while the overweight basically get more overweight and frustrated.

CPTF:  Thanks Mike.  That is some pretty eye opening stuff.  I guess what that means is I should probably drop my credit card and close the window down to the supplement website I was on while pretending to be listening to you on the phone.  Instead of clicking and purchasing I  will get myself to the grocery store and buy and then prepare my meals for the week so that I actually start doing the things that actually make people lose weight.

Myself:  Yes Clear Path to Fitness.  That is the funny thing about behaviors.  You actually have to “behave them” to make them work.

(Yes people, the key to losing weight lies in make in the right choices up there.  You are not going to find it in a aisle down here)

What is Sexy? Boy We Have Gotten Off Track.

Wall Street, Exercise and Dementia

Tip of the Day: Exercise is not just for Meatheads any more!  Recent research has shown that physical exercise of 150 minutes or more a week has a GREATER protective effect against the onset of dementia than doing Sudoko, Brain Exercises, Crosswords Puzzles etc. 

The point to take home here is that working out is no longer only an effective option just for people who want a six pack.  Staying fit is as important to enjoying ones retirement as your stock portfolio is.  

Due yourself a favor and every time you go Gordon Gekko style and put on your suspenders to check the NYSE Ticker ask yourself “Did I get my 150 in this week?”.  Remember, having money and lots of free time is great only if you are actually able to enjoy it.  

Is greed good?   How the hell should I know.  After seeing a couple close friends watch their parents slip into the horror of dementia I can tell you that it is one thing I would want to put off for a very long time.  For my sake and for theirs

Good Looking Women and Cheese Sandwiches

Tip of the Week: If you want to guarantee yourself a lifetime of poor self esteem and image issues just go up to someone with a different body type than yours and tell them "You are the goal". This happened today at the gym during a conversation between two women. 


The sad thing is the woman who said it was just as HOT as the woman she said it to, she was just built a little different. But because the other woman was "skinnier" all that got thrown out the window. 




One of the foundational keys to staying motivated to work out is to focus on consistent behaviors and feeling good. You start going around telling somebody else you want to be them and not just a better 
version of yourself is pretty much like buying a fast track ticket to nowhere.

If you want to know how HOT these women were understand they could have melted a cheese sandwich from across the room (Naked Gun). For you technical types out there we are talking about a minimum of 225 degrees. That’s boiling baby!

A special thanks goes out to someone who was instrumental in the writing of this post. However due to hotness confidentiality reasons that person must remain nameless.

Holy Smokes We Have Moved To Our New Web Page!

Hey Gang,

We are proud to announce our new company and our new web page!

Check it out!  All future blog content can be accessed from our "Articles" Page.

http://www.clearpathtofitness.com/

Thanks
Mike

(Just like George and Weezy we are "Movin on Up to the Eastside".  Come join us at www.clearpathtofitness.com as we finally get a piece of the Pie!)