Thanksgiving, Breast Feeding and Losing Weight

(It must be her thyroid.  One cool thing about living in America is you are always one Turkey Leg away from every day being Thanksgiving.) 

Hey Shank,

I’m really scared.  It’s Thanksgiving again and I don’t want to blow my diet.

The trainer at my gym recommended I get a really long workout in that morning to minimize the damage.  He also said I should get the latest issue of Cooking Light magazine and look up some low fat recipes.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Stove Top Stuffing for Brains

(I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer” and came up with this.  I have no idea what to say.  The dudes not even wearing his Vibrams.)

Dear Stove Top,

I go through a similar blog post like this one it seems every holiday season.  Given the fact I keep receiving emails like yours I guess I better keep doing it.  Either that or I should get myself a publicist.

The way I look at it there are two ways you can do something.  You can either do it the right way or the wrong way.

Take for instance Breast Feeding.  When done correctly Breast Feeding can be incredibly beneficial, resulting in possible improved immunity, IQ and bonding between mother and child.

But when done incorrectly you wind up with something like this:

(This too came up when I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer”.  Those folks at Google have one screwed up sense of humor.)

The same thing applies to holidays, especially Thanksgiving.  Holidays are the time to enjoy life with Family and Friends.   They are not a time to Aerobic-size and count your Deal a Meal Cards:

(Say what you want about this guy but I have a feeling he genuinely cares.  Sure he’s a freak but then again so am I.)

If you want to work out because it makes you feel good then by all means do so.  Just don’t do it because you feel it’s going to result in some type of caloric deficit “New Math”.

(Get yourself one of these, the calculator watch and not the hairy forearm mind you, and quickly realize that there is little or no chance that the average person will ever be able to out run a bad diet.  Believe me I tried.  Those Hot Fudge Sundaes are fast!)

Let’s put it this way.  I think you and your trainers priorities are screwed up.  If you want to watch your weight then worry about the other three hundred and fifty plus days of the year that are not holidays:

(This is France.  They love their holidays and yet are much thinner than us.  Translation:  Even the French don’t have enough holidays to justify being overweight.)

What I recommend instead is to cherish every moment, every spoonful of turkey, gravy, biscuits, mashed potatoes,stuffing, pie and even that nasty ass cranberry sauce in a can:

(Come on man!)

And thank god that you have a chance to spend one more great day with those you love because there are a lot of people out there who don’t.  The last thing I think they regretted is that their Thanksgiving creamed corn wasn’t low cal enough.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(During his physical prime even Arnold came up for air from time to time and enjoyed some fried chicken)

(He also smoked lots of weed but think that was only so he could eat more fried chicken.)

Smoking Pot, South Carolina and Dunkin Doughnuts

(This man is the reason why I never really got into hardcore drugs.  But that is a story for another time.)

Hey Opinionated Dick Head,

I read your post on Intermittent Fasting.

You are an idiot.  I have tried numerous diets in the past but it was only Intermittent fasting that really worked.  It has changed my life.

If everybody did it we would not have an obesity problem.

What do you think about that Tough Guy!

Signed,

Guy in a stupid hat

(If the Man in the Yellow hat had a curious monkey, does the Guy in a stupid hat have a really disinterested one?)

Dear Guy in a stupid hat,

You want to hear something funny?

I have never used Marijuana yet I absolutely love movies about people who smoke pot.

Call it whatever you want.  Maybe I am living vicariously through Cheech, Chong, Harold and Kumar or I have some unresolved need to be a rebel but either way it’s true.

(For you kids out there too young to know, the entire van was made out of weed.)

You want to hear something else funny?

Dunkin Doughnuts has now come up with a “Diet” Doughnut.  Or at least according to one resident of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina they have.  Let me explain.

(Myrtle Beach South Carolina, they have a beach there.)

Recently a client of mine was visiting his sister in the Palmetto State.  One evening, while sitting on the balcony of her third story condo he witnessed a very strange thing.

As he looked out over the swamp toward the white sandy beach not to far away:

(The Swamp, it’s a metaphor.  But it really exists.)

He noticed this Ginormous woman sunning her self  by the pool much like a Whale who beached itself in memory of terrestrial ancestors past:

(Whales, they used to live on land you know.)

Up came her Ginormous Husband.  He was so big he had to splay his feet outward to balance himself while he walked:

(When you are so heavy it changes the way you walk, it’s time for a change.)

Very lovingly he said in a most comfortable southern tone “I’m gettin to Dunkin Doughnuts, ya want anything?”.

To which she replied “Yep.  Git me a dozen of them doughnuts.  But not like those one’s you got last time with the holes in the middle.  Git me the ones with the cusssstard.”

(Doughnuts, fat people like the ones with Cusssstard.)

This made me think.  How fat have people in this country become when “regular” doughnuts just aren’t enough.  It’s almost as if somebody saw that hole in the middle and said “There’s potential room for more calories here.  I have to fill that with something or I just won’t be satisfied”.

It’s like when cocaine and heroin weren’t “enough” so someone came up with the idea of an eight ball and then next thing you know John Belushi is dead:

(A legend, taken far too early.  Now we are left with Three and a Half Men minus Charlie Sheen.  There is no God.)

Granted I have not checked up on my history of pastries recently, so for all I know the Boston Kreme could easily pre date the double glazed.  But the fact is food nowadays tastes just too damn good.

Culinary exorbitance is the dilemma when it comes to you losing weight.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you haven’t bought the next big diet book or ninety day miracle exercise DVD:

(If you want to lose weight and your credit card is out right now you are probably on the wrong track.)

Now when I say that food tastes too damn good I don’t mean that apples these days taste better then apples one hundred years ago.  What I mean is apples back in the day were just that, Apples.  The modern mutagenic version of Eve’s favorite fruit is now covered in carmel, nuts and chocolate because much like the maligned doughnut hole, there came a time when even Candy apples weren’t enough:

(That is a candy apple.  It’s current day freakish children are in the back.)

Face the facts people, food in this era is no longer food.  It’s Porn:

(This is a porn star.)

(This is a food porn star.  You guys know I like metaphors but that is disgusting.)

As a society we need to come to grips with the fact that 90% of the time what we put into your mouth is meant to be nutrition.  It is not meant to an artificial experience of self medication, taste orgasms or a way to avoid dealing with the problems in our lives.

Until we grasp that inconvenient truth people will constantly be searching for that next miracle way to eat.  Hence the 50 Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry of which Intermittent Fasting and all other fad diets are a part of.

To the Guy in a Stupid hat I wish you best of luck with keeping the weight off this time.   But then again maybe that is just the point.

This time.

Till next time yours in chocolate chip cookies (just not covered in chocolate, dipped in six scoops of ice cream, topped with whipped cream, hot fudge and nuts with a cherry on top),

Mike Cruickshank

(If you want one more example of modern day “food” being completely out of control check this out.  These are what are called Slutty Brownies.  They are raw cookie dough layered with Oreo’s which are then covered in brownie mix and baked at 350 degrees till the glass dish they reside in begins to resemble a crack pipe.   Damn do they look good.)

Intermittent Fasting, Making Babies and a German

(Baby, the other other white meat.)

Dear Shank,

My Frau and I are currently trying to conceive a child.  I want to be in the best possible shape for the arrival of our little Wiener Schnitzel.

What do you think about Intermittent Fasting?  Will it help me achieve the body of an Ubermensch?

Signed,

The German Baby Maker a.k.a Seth Nietzsche

(As a living legend with eleven kids and an eight pack you might reckon that he would be the person best qualified to answer this question. Inquiries on personal finance, not so much.)

My Dear Teutonic Stallion,

Thanks for your question and best of luck with your family.

My opinion on Intermittent Fasting, much like the details of Dr. Evils life,  are quite inconsequential:

(Dr. Evil.  He didn’t go to six years of Evil Medical School to be called Mister.)

But if you pushed me I would have to say that Intermittent Fasting is a load of crap.   But not just any crap.  It is a special type of crap, like the crap of the Dung Beetle who actually makes it’s crap by eating the crap of another animal.

That’s pretty bad.

(The Dung Beetle.  Whenever things are bad and the deck is stacked up against you just remember it could get much worse.  You could be eating poop for dinner.)

I’m sorry if that came across a bit harsh.  Let me explain.

For those who don’t know Intermittent Fasting is a pattern of food consumption that alternates between periods of eating and not eating (i.e. fasting and not fasting).  There are slight variations depending on whomever wants their pockets filled with your cash but the above definition basically covers the gist of it:

(When it comes to living for Profit, even the Ferengi have nothing on the Fitness Industry.)

It’s not that I have anything against Intermittent Fasting per se.  I think all of the Diets proposed by the Fitness and Weight Loss Industry are one giant impotent joke when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off for the rest of your life:

(OK.  So maybe after that last comment you could guess that down deep I really do have something against Intermittent Fasting.  The reality is in the third grade a kid who intermittently fasted beat me at Pickle Ball.  I will never forgive you Danny Ackerman.)

Of course Intermittent Fasting (or IR as those in the know would say) “Works”.  Anything “Works” if you are actually paying attention to what you eat because paying attention to what you eat one of the simplest ways to practice calorie control.  Calorie Control works, regardless of whatever fancy title you choose to put on it.

In that respect Intermittent Fasting is really no different from any of the fad diets that preceded it, all of which worked at some time for somebody.  Let’s name a few:

The Hollywood Diet, The cabbage soup Diet, The Master Cleanse, The South Beach Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Hollywood Cookie Diet, The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet, The Zone Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, The Three Day Diet, The Chicken Soup Diet, The U.S. Ski Team Diet, The Best Life Diet, The Volumetrics Plan, The Egg Diet, The Warrior Diet, The Pritkin Diet, The Caveman Diet, The Blood Type Diet, The Acai Berry Diet, The French Diet, The Food Pyramid Diet, The Amen Diet, The Raw Food Diet, The Blood Sugar Diet, The Blue Zones Diet…

Take a deep breath and:

The Anti-inflammation diet, The Banana Diet, The Belly Fat Diet, The Belly Fat Cure, The Bernstein Diet, The Beverly Hills Diet, The New Beverly Hills Diet, Body For Life, The Body Trim Diet, Sugar Busters, The Cambridge Diet, Grand-pop Valente’s Soup and Doughnuts Diet, The Cinch Diet, The Choose to Lose Diet, The Curves Diet, Eat Your Way to Happiness, The Fruitarian Diet, The Gotti Diet etc. etc. (you could probably name at least one hundred more)

(The Gotti Diet.  Named after the son of reputed Mobster John “The Teflon Don” Gotti.  Who would have guessed that this is probably the most balanced and well thought out one of the bunch.)

The bottom line with any of these hot new “You can’t live without it” eating plans is unless you have a ripped body hewn from decades of following one (or several) of them you should’t expect much different from the next one that strolls down the block.

It is mainly because of that inconvenient historical fact that my suggestion is you flush Intermittent Fasting down the toilet with the rest of the Doodie that came down the commercial weight loss sewer pipe before it.

(Intermittent Fasting, for most people this is exactly where it belongs)

Try to remember that all Fad Diets have one giant underlying flaw:  They tend to address the body metabolically (usually through a lot of impractical junk  or “bro” science) and do very little if any serious work on the complex mental, emotional, cultural, societal and biological reasons why we choose the foods we eat.

Unless you are metaphorically brain dead you don’t need to be told for the millionth time that lean proteins, healthy fats, fruits and vegetables tend to be more supportive toward your goals of losing weight more so than the typical fare at McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Burger King.  Yet every day people who claim they want to lose weight consistently make the wrong choices.

All that Intermittent Fasting and  the Fad Diets have to offer you is a distraction.  They are simply one more diet which allows you to focus on it instead of having you pay attention to what the real issue is:

Your Behavior and why you make the choices that you do.  No “diet” no matter how hot, is going to do that for you.

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (just not as a diet)

Mike Cruickshank

(This is an apple.  It is dense in nutrients and low in calories.  If you are overweight odds are you don’t eat enough of them.)

(This is a Whopper .  Or at least the one on the right is.  It is low in nutrients and high in calories.  If you are overweight odds are you eat too many of them. )

(Have you ever asked yourself why you chose to eat so many of the foods that move you away from your stated weight loss and health goals?  When you can answer that question you will know everything you need to know about losing weight.)

Buffalo Wings, The Toilet and Diet Adherence

I’m growing old.  Thirty Seven next month to be exact:

(That’s me.)

With age comes the loss of a lot of things.  Like my hair and  the ability to lift really heavy weights without crippling myself the next day.  But the thing I miss most is my digestion:

(“Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive”.  In this case I was trying to pull one over on my Duodenum.  It would have none of that.)

So as of 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning I am keeping with the Holy Sabbath (which never made any sense to me since this is Sunday but so I digress) by giving just thanks and praise to God.  In this case I am thanking him for creating double ply toilet paper and Norman Abramson:

(This is Norman Abramson, father of the modern day Wireless Router.  You would think such a smart guy would have more books.  Like have you ever noticed that whenever some bag of douche wants to convince you of how smart they are the decision is made to post on Facebook pictures of all the books they own?  Really annoying stuff…)

(Here are all the books I own.  But not really.)

Now through all this religious revelation I have come to one very important conclusion.  I am very grateful for being allowed to “Grow Old”.

Not because life is a gift which we often times take for granted.  No, I am grateful for being able to grow old because I can no longer eat Buffalo Wings more than once every few months.

Not to ramble or get off topic (like I usually do) the bottom line is I used to look at eating like it was some giant moralistic game of THE RIGHT FOODS vs. THE WRONG FOODS.

Now I just look at it as “If I eat that it will put me on the toilet for two days.”

(Damn you cheese fries!)

The cool thing is that with this new attitude comes a new found freedom.

When it comes to choosing the foods I eat ninety five percent of the time my decisions are now based on something more than morality and will power.  Which is good because if all I got to keep my gut in check is a bunch of nutritional Bible Thumping than this modern world of brilliant billion dollar food marketing, taste science and calorie abundance will wind up eating me for breakfast.

(Let the reality set in people.  That isn’t food.  It’s marketing and chemistry that is so powerful they could put a piece of cat poop between those buns and most people would probably still eat it.)

I can say whole heartedly that I choose a diet of lean proteins, fruits, vegetables, healthy fats and portioned controlled carbohydrates not because it is something I feel I HAVE TO DO, I do it because it is something I WANT TO DO.  The consequences for me go way beyond guilt because amongst other things (like spending all day in the bathroom) I simply do not think, function or feel the way that allows me to live the life I want to lead.

Definitely something to think about the next time you think that being lean in a not so lean world comes down to an ethics game.

(Sinner!)

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (Just not every night)

Mike Cruickshank

(Me too.  Like how much I am looking forward to having my oatmeal this morning.)