Hey Shank! Reader mail 3/12/12

(Two things are for sure.  One is that every body is indeed working for the weekend.  And second, Swayze and Farley, God Rest both their souls, are freaking awesome!)

Hey Shank,

I am 6 foot 2 and weigh 220lbs with 6% bodyfat.  Women want me and Men want to be me.  That is no exaggeration.  The other day some chick asked my Wednesday Girlfriend if I worked at Chippendales.  It’s true!

Last week some guy asked my Friday Girlfriend what I did to workout since he always wanted to look just like me.

You would think that all this bathing in such a sea of awesomeness would make me the happiest guy on earth but I am not.  I am actually pretty miserable most of the time.  As a fellow Stud Muffin do you got any advice?

Signed,

Hunk Golden

(Ok.  I admit it.  I took the name from one of the most awesome but under apreciated terrible 1980′s movies of all time, that being “Hunk”.  I seriously think that only myself and Gerry Herrera have ever seen this film.  From what I understand even the directors mother refused to show up at the premier.)

Dear Hunk,

As a fellow Stud Muffin I do indeed feel your pain.  I actually dealt with this subject somewhat briefly in one of my previous blogs titled “Fat Guys, Pancakes and The Razors Edge”:

http://www.clearpathtofitness.com/fat-guys-pancakes-and-the-razors-edge

But I would be glad to go into further discussion about it with you here.  The bottom line is that when it comes to figuring out what makes them happy, people pretty much suck:

(If fame, money and good looks were all life is really about then this would have never transformed into…)

(…This guy who was found dead on the toilet.)

Take me for example.  I have a bit of an ego.  It is most evident when I go Matthew Mcconaughey style and mow  the lawn with my shirt off:

(Think of this as a female version of me.  Except my boobs are bigger and the only persons I attract are the two guys who live together at the end of the street.)

Granted I get a little of a narcisstic high from the whole thing but it doesn’t really make me happy.  Here is what really makes me happy:

(This is Frankie and Lily the first day in their new house.  They were so unsure of the surroundings that they walked around like this, pretty much glued together, the entire first day.  The absolute connection these two share is for me a lasting high, not a temporary one.)

Here is something else that makes me happy:

(This is the animal shelter I volunteer at.  Going there is better than Prozac.)

A long time ago I went your route thinking that I was basically one “P90x” moment away from being the person I always wanted to be:

(He’s not smiling like that because of the way he is built.  He is smiling like that because he knows he has your money.  Either that or the forearm to the head denotes the happiest migraine in the history of man kind.  Oy Vey!  Nobody knows how Tony Horton must suffer.)

In conclusion my dearest Hunk you need to go out and figure out what it is that makes you really happy.  If you were a pure ego maniac you would not be having the empty feelings you are experiencing because looking my Mr. Infomercial above would be enough.  Based on your reaction it obviously isn’t.  A good place to start when finding your passions would be to start with activities that tend to “pull you out of your own ass” so to speak.  Basically anything with the word shelter attached to it  is a good place to start.  Think “Animal, Battered Women, Run Away Teen, Homeless” versus “Tax” and you will find  people and places who need your time and money more than the bar at Applebee’s:

(I have been out of the “game” for so long I can’t even remember where people go to get picked up.  It really can’t be this place…can it?)

Try to remember that real wellness goes beyond just looking good.  It is about being happy with who you are and figuring out what your true passions are.  Unfortunately that is a little more complicated than just banging out some bench presses.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Till next time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Just so we are being completely honest here we need to quote the great actor Joe Pesci who once said “Money may not buy you happiness but at least you can pick your own misery”.  Supposedly the couple above actually have a lot in common.  They both like soup.)  

(That last part above was obviously a “Best in Show” quote.  You may recognize these two as the founders and editors of “Bitch” magazine.)

Hey Shank! Reader Mail 3/9/12

Hey Shank!

How do I pick the right personal trainer?  I have read a bunch of articles on the subject and they all seem to suck something terrible.

Help!  I need change!  I can’t keep Sweating to the Oldies for the rest of my life!  It has gotten so boring I am starting to pull the hairs out of my Afro just so I know what it is like to feel again.

Signed Your Pal,

Richard Simmons

(God Bless www.freakingnews.com  since this is way funnier than anything I could come up with.)

Hey Richard,

Great to hear from you and boy are you looking fantastic these days.  I am sorry to hear about your struggles.

I know what you are talking about when it comes to this whole picking a personal trainer thing.  It seems like every time somebody writes an article on the subject the entire content revolves around why you should work with somebody like them.  Then they go on to discredit anybody else who is different.  Typically the whole thing revolves around these “Usual Suspects”:

(What an awesome movie.)

First you have the skinny/fat personal trainer that doesn’t even workout who tries to convince you to train with the person who has the biggest vocabulary and the most letters after their name:

(These are the guys who are always taking pictures of all the books they have read and tell you “It’s as much about business as it is about exercise”.)

Then you have the meathead who will try and convince you that if a person isn’t ready for the cover of Muscle and Fitness then they must not know what they are doing:

(Do you think he ever looks into the mirror and says “My God, what have I done to myself?”.)

Next is the way too skinny for her own good “I have the bone density of a cabinet of fine china” trainer who while between periods of eating nothing and planning her next macrobiotic buffet will try and convince you that lifting anything over three pound dumbbells will turn you into a man…testicles and all:

(Yeah really girls, you look great.  Keep up all the hard work.  From what I hear the look like a twelve year old boy thing is really back in style these days.)

Lastly you have horse faced psycho “train till you puke or you ain’t doing nothing” trainer.  Because you know that working out until you pass out is really sustainable over the long haul:

(I hate you.)

The bottom line is all these people are insane.  Trying to convince any of them otherwise would be as fruitful as trying to convince someone addicted to porn that they “might have a problem”:

(Porn addiction does not discriminate.)

If you really want to find the “right” trainer my advice is to do one of two things.  If you are already in shape keep up your current routine while you get a lay of the land so to speak and have a chance to see all of the trainers at your gym while they are in action.  Then it is really up to you to pick the one you like best based on their personality, style and training philosophy.

(Dumb ass.)

If you are not in shape and are new to the gym my advice would be to stick to a basic machine circuit for about a month while you get a chance to become more comfortable with the facility and slowly break into the habit of becoming an “exerciser for life”.  The biggest problem with most beginners in my experience is that they try to do too much too soon and either injure themselves or burn out.  Taking your time in the beginning will also give you a chance to see the trainers available in action so that you can pick the one that is right for you.  Given the fact that when it comes to general fitness all systems of exercise essentially “work” if you stick with them consistently over the long haul, picking the right trainer in this case almost always comes down to whether your personalities mesh or not.

If you are looking to work out at home then ask around as the fact is that clients who are happy with their trainer will stop at nothing to brag to you about how awesome they are:

(Shouting:  I used to be fat and bald but now…well I am still bald but at least I am skinny and it is all due to Mike Cruickshank!  Just don’t try and book him on Tuesday at 9 a.m.)

I hope that helps.  But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(The world of bodybuilding, health and fitness is very strange and very scary.  My advice would be to go slowly and tread carefully before you jump in.)

Reader Mail 3/8/12

Hey Shank,

Is there anyway we could get more frequent posts from you?  I understand you probably don't have the time to write an article sized feature everyday but if maybe you could give some short answer stuff on a daily or every other day basis that would fantastic.

Thanks,

Rich from Texas

Hey Rich,

Thanks for reading!  I would be glad to do so which is why, because of your email, I have started this new feature called "Reader Mail".  The first installment starts today:

Hey Shank,

Just read your most recent post on Chris Christie, TGI Fridays and One Hell of a Juxtaposition.  My wife and I both really enjoyed it but we have a couple questions:  Do you think that Governor Christie does not already know that he is morbidly obese?  Do you think he doesn't know what that means for both his future as well as his family's. Do you think he does not know how bad an example he sets for all New Jersians, a state with a 24% obesity rate?

Thanks for taking the time to answer.

Salvatore and Marie from Bayonne

Hey Sal and Marie!

Welcome!  To answer your question I do think Governor Christie does know all those things.  Just the fact that he can't buy his suits off the rack should shove those facts down his throat further than any blog post or cheese steak could ever travel.  

(I get the fact that they camera adds 10 pounds or so but this is ridiculous.  The man is literally bigger than two normal sized people put together.)

The problem for Governor Christie is there is a huge difference between knowing something and truly understanding it.  A perfect example of this is what Financial Guru Dave Ramsey likes to call "Getting Gazelle Intense":

(This is Dave Ramsey.  He really hates credit cards.  He is also Team Clear Path Approved!)

What Dave Ramsey tells people is that they really aren't ready to get out of credit card debt until they are as intense about the process of becoming debt free as a Gazelle's is when it's running from a Cheetah in order to avoid becoming lunch:

(Really intense actions in response to some really intense consequences.  If the Gazelle doesn't run fast enough he will be clawed to pieces and eaten while still alive.  I hate when that happens.  If the Cheetah doesn't catch the Gazelle she will starve to death.  I hate when that happens too.)

The Gazelle doesn't know it has to run, it truly understands the consequences of not doing so.    The fact is that knowing, unbeknownst to G.I. Joe, doesn't really count for half of anything:

(Jesus Footloose!  You are in a residential neighborhood.  Put away the friggin hand grenade dude!  And why has nobody ever called the G.I. Joes out for stalking these little kids.  Kind of strange that they always seem to be right there, like in the bushes or outside a kids window, when something goes wrong.)

It is only doing that shows one truly understands that which they know.  You either do, or you don't do.  You can't rationalize or negotiate half a decision just like you can't rationalize or negotiate half a consequence.  You can't get a little bit pregnant:

(You gorgeous bastards won't be smiling so brightly when you are three months into no R.E.M. sleep while feeding a bottle at 3 a.m.  Maybe then you two will realize you should have just stuck to posing as those people who come in the picture frame when you buy it.)

If Governor Christie truly understood the fact that at the rate he is going he will not be around long enough to see his kids grow up, if he truly understood that in his case he is the Gazelle and heart disease, higher risk for certain types of cancer, lower quality of living, increased stress on muscles and joints, and diabetes are the Cheetah you would think that somebody with his intelligence and resources would do something about it.

Governor Christie obviously doesn't get it.   Although we can't be too hard on him because when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off most Americans, even the people who hate his guts, share more in common with Governor Christie than they would like to admit.

Thanks,

Mike

(I have said it once and I will say it again.  When you truly Understand that losing weight and being healthy is a lifestyle and not something you just do, the best diets will always start on some random day like March 8th at two o'clock in the afternoon and not on New Years, or after your 40th birthday and certainly not after breakfast.  Hell by the time you are done with breakfast Andy Dufresne could be halfway to the Mexican Border by then).  

(Two things are for sure:  1.  Brooks Hatlen is a reasonable man.  2.  I can't help myself from making Shawshank Redemption references.) 

Governor Chris Christie, TGI Friday's and One Hell of a Juxtaposition

(I love tea and biscuits!  On that note I should probably get my butt over to Europe one of these days.  Problem is I hate leaving the house.)   

Top the of the morning to you Mr. Cruickshank,

I was just inquiring;  What are so many of your fellow Americans so bloody fat?

Signed,

Big Ben

(“Look kids!  Big Ben…Parliament.”  For some reason Clark Griswold just couldn’t get over.)

Hey Big Ben,

Glad to hear from a Clear Path Reader all the way across the lake in Jolly Old England!  Top of the morning to you too (even though it is one in the morning over here while I type this.  Insomnia sucks.).

That is a very good question you asked about why Americans are so fat these days.  Problem is the root causes of such a social malaise run so deep it would require a multifaceted answer  that is really beyond the scope of this blog.

One of the primary reasons though, often not even considered by many people, is that obesity in this country is highest in the populations with the most poverty and the least education:

(Fast food is perceived as one of the most cost effective sources of calories there is, especially when it is compared to high quality fruits, vegetables, meats and fishes.   The other compounding variable is that fast food can be a cheap “high” allowing distraction from the sometimes sad reality of peoples lives.  Special thanks goes out to www.mulletjunky.com for this picture.  Keep up the great work guys!  That is one hell of a website!)

A second factor contributing to American Obesity finds it’s roots in the exact opposite direction, that being over abundance caused by too much prosperity:

(This is a young Axl Rose circa 1987 right around the time he was first turning rich and famous.  On a personal note I have to say if that can of 7 Up is really soda and not liquid heroin or pure vodka I will be very disappointed.)

(This is Axl Rose today.  He is much older, much wealthier and certainly much larger.  You would think that even though he can now afford “Tons of cake” he would probably be smart enough to know not to eat it all.)

As a personal trainer and not an advocate for social reform, there is really very little I can do about the former cause.  Every time I donate to my local community food bank they insist on non perishable items such as rice, pasta and canned soups due to the aforementioned energy density/cost issues as well as the fact that organic salmon tends to spoil pretty quickly in a warehouse:

(Here is a link to food banks local to the state of New Jersey.  If you want to find one in your own state simply Google Search “Food Bank” followed by the name the of the state you live in.  If you live abroad I have no idea what to tell you.)

http://www.nj.gov/njhealthlink/food_banks_list_of_NJ.pdf

However, I can say that within the scope of my practice there is a third factor which leads to American Obesity, one that is really a mixture of the two mentioned earlier.  That factor is this:

Americans, regardless of education and socio-economic factors, across the board eat way too much “crap”.  That and they don’t exercise enough.  But even without the whole exercise thing, Americans still eat way too much “crap”.  A perfect example of this is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie:

(Listen all you “NUMBNUTS” out there!  Regardless of what you think of him or his politics, this photo should really put into perspective just how large the governor of New Jersey really is.  To put this blunt terms think about how you would hug the man on the right and then think about doing the same thing to the man on the left.  We at Clear Path to Fitness get the fact that Governor Christies weight is obviously his own business but you don’t have to be Warren Buffet to see that right now business is bad and he is desperately in need of a dietary audit.)

As a former U.S. District Attorney it is obvious that Governor Christie is not stupid. And given the fact he lives in Mendham, N.J. the odds are against him being poor:

(That, to the left boys and girls, is a crack house and you are most likely not going to find one in Mendham, N.J.)

What the odds are not against is that he, like many Americans, eats too much of this:

(This is crap.  The only time food like this is preferable, let alone acceptable, is when you are either 1. Drunk or 2.  Hungover.  Problem is, just like Dean Wormser warned us about all those years ago “Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life son.”)

(My advice to him would be to start drinking heavily.  That and to start loading up his freezer with TGI Friday’s Frozen Sliders.)

It really doesn’t take a lot to lose some weight and shape up.  The first step you can take right here and right now after reading this blog is to cut out all the crappy, processed garbage out of your diet and replace it with non crappy, non processed, non garbage.  That alone will help you lose weight due to the lower amounts of calories, sodium and chemicals you will be consuming.

Now granted the Governor most likely  does not eat his sliders from the frozen foods section.  I am sure he has a chef make them for him but the general principles are the same.  Just check out this Juxtaposition:

(It was the fattest of times.  It was the leanest of times.  It is a tale of two cities just instead of cities we are talking about lunches.  One lunch is lean and muscular and the other lunch is chubby and pock marked.)

When I went into the break room today to have my lunch of grilled salmon, an apple, a banana and some raisins I was amazed to find on the table a box of Flounders TGI Friday’s any time sliders.

Just so we can get this blog over and done with let me put this in as simple a terms as possible.  Here are the ingredients of lunch #1, the Salmon and Fruit:

Salmon = Salmon

Apple = Apple

Banana = Banana

Raisins = Raisins

Here are the ingredients of lunch #2, The Sliders:

Enriched Roll (Enriched Bleached Wheat Flour [Wheat Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid, Enzymes], Water, Sugar, Soybean Oil, Yeast, Salt, Monoglycerides, Calcium Sulfate, Enzymes, Tricalcium Phosphate, Wheat Starch, Ascorbic Acid, Sorbitan Monostearate, Citric Acid, Calcium Propionate), Fully Cooked Flame Broiled Beef Patty (Beef, Water, Textured Vegetable Protein [Soy Protein Concentrate, Caramel Color, Zinc Oxide, Niacinamide, Ferrous Sulfate, Copper Gluconate, Vitamin A Palmitate, Calcium Pantothenate, Thiamine Mononitrate, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Cyanocobalamin], Seasoning [Hydrolyzed Corn Protein, Dextrose, Salt, Onion Powder, Spices], Sodium Tripolyphosphate), Pasteurized Process Cheddar Cheese (Cheddar Cheese [Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes], Milkfat, Water, Sodium Citrate, Salt, Sorbic Acid, Oleoresin Paprika [Color], Annatto [Color]), Sweet & Smoky BBQ Sauce (Water, Sugar, Tomato Paste, Distilled Vinegar, Molasses, Honey, Brown Sugar, Salt, Modified Cornstarch, Spices, Natural Smoke Flavor, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, Xanthan Gum).

Now when it comes to losing weight and feeling great which one of these two meal choices, just based on their ingredients alone, do you think will get you closer to your goals and which one do you think will drive you further away?  I rest my case.

(To help you with your choice here is a photo of the Mercer County Phone Book which was sitting on the table right next to the empty box of sliders.  It wouldn’t surprise me if the Phone Book, whose sole ingredients are paper and ink, has more nutritional value than the sliders do.  I am sure it at least has more fiber.)

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is William Howard Taft, 27th President of the United States of America, one hell of a golfer and the heaviest man in history to ever to run the Oval Office.  Personally I hope Governor Chris Christie becomes President and breaks Taft’s almost 100 year strangle hold on that title.)