Hey Shank! What about STEEL CUT Oatmeal?

(Authors note:  A special thank you goes out to Strength Coach Charles Poliquin for inspiring the content of this article.)

(It comes in a metal can so therefore it must be better.)

Hey Shank!  

What do you think about STEEL CUT Oatmeal?

(Authors Note:  The emphasis on STEEL CUT in caps was placed by the person who sent the email.  I am not sure why but I have had several questions regarding this product and in most instances the person feels the need to capitalize those words.  I can only assume that one of the side effects of eating this product is that you find yourself spontaneously yelling at people about it.)

I figured I would ask because I need a good breakfast to provide some extra energy so I can find that guy who stole my pot of gold.

Signed,

The Leprechaun

(I wish this guy would just stick to playing Ewoks)

Hey Leprechaun,

I dig the socks dude!

To answer your question I think steel cut oatmeal sucks.

But not really.  I actually think steel cut oatmeal is fine.  But just fine.  I don’t think it is anything spectacular.  It certainly will not change your life or anything.

Steel cut oatmeal is a carbohydrate source just like any other carbohydrate source.  By it’s very nature it is no better than pasta, rice, potatoes or quinoa.  The advantage is that compared to most regular kinds of oatmeal it tends to be less processed.   If that is your thing and you either tolerate or actually enjoy the taste then more power to you for eating it.

I happen to find steel cut oats a pain in the ass to prepare and since the last thing I need in my life is another pain in the ass I “roll” with this guy:

(You had best recognize the original gangsta in the blue hat. )

Now I know there are people out there who will want to choke the life out of me for saying this but I really don’t care what type of oatmeal you eat.  Since oatmeal does not equal doughnuts I figure that as long as you control the portion size you will be ok:

(This is so fat and disgusting it makes me want to vomit.  Still, God forbid I got a hold of that box I would probably beat it like it owed me money.  I really like doughnuts.)

As far as the whole extra energy thing so that you can eviscerate the guy who stole your gold I will have to tell you that I think you are headed in the wrong direction.

I have looked at thousands of diets over the years and the limiting factor when it comes to breakfast is almost never a lack of carbohydrates.  Where an overwhelming majority of people tend to drop the ball is they don’t include enough protein so they wind up walking around like a carb infused zombie all day:

(For some reason I can’t see this guy being all too productive at the office.)

So what is the solution?  For smaller people include an egg or two and for larger people you can go as high as many as three or four.  If you don’t like whole eggs then you can do egg whites.  I like to mix my egg whites with some low fat cheese as I feel the fat improves the taste and gives the meal a little more staying power.

Really any type of protein will do.  I wouldn’t get my underwear in a “steel cut oatmeal” bind over the subject.  I prefer around 180 to 200 grams of salmon, beef or two scoops of protein powder mixed with a little fish oil.  I would have to imagine the reason why this works better for me is that my body tends to function better with a little more fat in my diet.

(I actually like butter but I think you get the point here.  Not all fats are bad because not all fats are created equal.)

Smaller people (I weigh around 205lbs) would do better with a little less food and bigger people would tend to do better with a little more.  You will be able to figure this out once you see how your body reacts to whatever it is you are eating.

If you are a vegetarian then I don’t know what the hell to tell you to do since I eat as much meat as my dogs do:

(Frankie and Lily are definitely not vegetarians though they do like vegetables.)

If you are a vegetarian you might be better off asking somebody who is one.  Like this guy, former Mr. Universe Bill Pearl:

(Bill Pearl at the age of 56.  He has been an Ovo-Lacto Vegetarian for some time now.  You can reach him on his website www.billpearl.com)

In conclusion my little green friend, get yourself some more protein at breakfast and you will be on your way to getting back your booty in no time.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I can say whatever I want about Steel Cut Oatmeal but it is still a better carbohydrate choice than this crap.)

At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights?

(Authors Note:  Some of the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.)

(Just call me at 1-800-No More Bull Crap if you have a question.   Sometimes Shank has to go Joe Friday style and lay down the law when it comes to bad exercise physiology.)

Mr. Cruickshank,

My Husband, a.k.a The Moron, wants our twelve year old son to start getting involved in a serious weight lifting program so in his words “He Can Dominate” at Pop Warner football.  My question is how old does a child have to be to start lifting weights?

The creepy man down the street told the dope that shares my bed that “Young Stallions” can start working out as early as ten.  What concerns me is that they guy was a little overly eager to get my boy to work out in his gym.  To the best of my knowledge his only qualifications are that he is really big, he has a gym in his basement  and he has a lot of tattoos.

The Strength Coach at our local “Under Armor Wearing/Youth Sports Pavillion/Training Complex/NFL Combine/Child Abuse” center said my son is old enough and that I shouldn’t wait another day to get him enrolled in his facility.

The “Master Trainer” at my Gold’s Gym said “About Fourteen”.

With all these different numbers I feel more like I am ready to make a  lottery pick rather than  having a safe and sane answer for my son.

Please Help.

Signed,

Concerned Housewife who now regrets she married the coolest kid in High School.

(I could try for the rest of my life to be as cool as this kid but it will never happen.   The fact of the matter is nobody ever told you what happened to him after high school.  After leading the football team to a state championship his senior year he was thrown out of college for, and I quote “Feeling the need to beat up all the Gays and Immigrants”.  Last I heard he was addicted to smack and turning tricks for cash down at the docks.)

Dear Housewife who made a poor life choice,

First off let me say thank you for being a responsible parent to your son.  A lot of people these days seem to have a real  problem doing that:

(This is Jessica Watson. You may remember her as the fifteen year old girl who tried to sail around the world after her parents said it was O.K. because “She is no ordinary fifteen year old girl”.)

(Interestingly enough the Watson Family recently tried to adopt a young girl from China but their application was revoked after an agency official snapped this photo of the child with her new family hanging out at Euro Disney.)

(Authors note:  Ok.  So I admit I may have stretched the truth here a little.  The whole kid sailing around the world part is accurate.  The part about the adoption, Euro Disney and the kid smoking is not.  It  was meant for entertainment purposes only since the author is incapable of describing the level of stupidity necessary to allow a young teenager to attempt to sail around the world by themselves.) 

Now to answer your question, none of those guys are correct.  First off, the guy in the garage gym.  If I were you I don’t think I would let my kid ride his bicycle down that side of the street anymore.  I bet that in addition to the gym and the tattoos that dude also owns a Van filled with lots of free candy and a puppy:

(Ten year old boys and their creamy hamstrings do not belong in a weight room.  No way, no how.)

As far as the strength coach is concerned my hunch is he either doesn’t know what he is talking about or he just doesn’t know your son that well.  The worst part of me wants to say that since things like Astro Turf, Olympic Weight Sets, and Electrical Bills for a 30,000 square foot facility can get a little pricey, this coach might just be one of those guys who pushes kids into a strength program too early.  Most of the time these less than reputable guys are just trying to make their overhead so they can afford to train their college and pro athletes:

(Yeah sure, that looks safe.  ”But think about all the healthy habits these kids are developing at such a young age” you may say.  Let me tell you something.  You see that kid in the center of the picture, the one who is picking her nose and looks like she is about to eat it?  Children who still eat their own boogers do not belong in a gym lifting weights.  That is Shanks rule #1 of youth sports training.)

Now as far as the “Master Trainer” is concerned, let me tell you something about these “Master Trainers”.  If given the chance most of them couldn’t figure out how to peel a banana in a room full of monkeys:

(Too bad the only person out there who will get the last reference is this guy, Super Trainer Willis Paine.  He actually spends many an afternoon hunting so called Master Trainers for the common good.  The dogs are there to sniff out the poor exercise selection and bad technique.)

In all seriousness I cannot figure out where that trainer came up with the idea “about Fourteen” since it makes no sense.  ”Fourteen” is about as logical as Thorton Melons final answer to Professor Phillip Barbay in Back to School:

(Granted that Mr. Melon’s answer of “Four” was correct I still stand my ground and say he was guessing.  But then again, when it comes to 1980′s comedy sub plots what the hell do I know.)

The correct answer to “At What Age Should My Kid Start Lifting Weights” is IT DEPENDS.    Let me explain.

I went to middle school with this guy, lets call him “Ray”.  When Ray was thirteen years old he was 5 foot 9, weighed 180lbs and he had a really cool Denim Jacket with a Metallica patch sewed on the back.  He also had a full mustache.  Now understand when I say full mustache I don’t mean one of those fourteen year old  boy”I am going to let one facial hair grow really long and push it across my upper lip so it looks like a bunch of  facial hairs” mustaches.  I mean Ray had like a 1970′s porn star look going on:

(I went to middle school with that guy.)

The moral of the story is that when it comes to deciding when a kid is old enough to lift weights the main thing you need to be concerned about is this:

Chronological age is completely worthless.  It is biological age that counts.  This means that it doesn’t matter if one child is fourteen and the other is seventeen, kids mature physically at different rates.  My buddy Ray was ready to lift weights when he was still watching “The Transformers” and “G.I. Joe” cartoons after school.

(This is Ray’s baby picture from the Woodbridge Sears Photo Department.  Sears, where America Shops.)

As a responsible parent what you are looking for are the end of the onset of secondary sex characteristics like a permanant deepening of the voice, dramatic height and weight gains, the onset of facial and “other” hair and last but not least your son’s seeming desire, like an intact dog,  to want to hump everything in sight (actually that may never go away).  This often marks the stage when a kid is physiologically ready to reap the benefits and minimize the risks of heavy weight training because they have reached a the level of biological maturity (not just a number) necessary to safely participate.

Now while I understand that the answer I gave above will really piss off a lot of the “I always wear my Bike Shorts” High School Football Coaches and a whole gaggle of  the “Steroids don’t make me strong, I make me strong” crowd:

(I can hear them now “I ain’t never seen no bottle of Test bench press no 500lbs.” To which my answer is “Yes Mongo, you are right.  A bottle of Testosterone has never benched 500lbs.  But you know what, without that bottle of test neither would have you.) 

Get the fact that those meatheads don’t have to deal with the injuries and burnout your son will have to go through if he starts training too early.

The only person who is truly qualified to judge whether your kid has indeed past his primary growth spurt is this person…

(Too bad Dr. Silverman didn’t look like this when I was growing up.)

That would be your pediatrician.  Your pediatrician might not know a Power Clean from a Power Lawn Mower but what they do know is child growth and development.  He or she is the only one qualified to tell your child’s biological age.  Your “Bruce Springsteen Glory Days Husband” and the other colorful cast of characters are not:

(I am sure we all know somebody in our lives this song reminds us of.)

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I am always shocked that more people don’t remember this Episode of Different Strokes where Gordon Jump played the Bicycle Shop owning Pedophile.  In all seriousness if you know of somebody who is abusing children please contact the national child abuse hotline at 1-800-4-A-Child (1-800-422-4453)

Hey Shank! Does Pasta Make You Fat?

(To all you Young Punk Resident Evil and Call of Duty Players out there…Kneel down before the God Father of Modern Video Gaming!)

Hey Shank,

I need to know if pasta makes you fat!  My Meathead Personal Trainer, King Koopa, told me that if I want to be lean and healthy I can never eat pasta again:

(Authors note:  Never trust a personal trainer with horns on his shell.  Actually you should never trust a personal trainer with a shell period.)

My problem is I want to lose some weight but  I don’t know if I can take this anymore.  First my Girlfriend Princess Peach got kidnapped for like the 100th time and now I am told I can’t even have a bowl of Ronzoni:

(Somebody ought to tell Mario what this little Tramp is up to.)

Shank, you need to set things straight.  If I have to keep eating turtle soup, mushrooms and stars for the rest of my life I am going to go Postal and start stealing coins.  Please help!

Signed,

Super Mario

(If he just went low carb, this all could have been avoided!)

Hey Super Mario,

Hope all is well in The Mushroom Kingdom.  Remind me later to tell you something about that girlfriend of yours.  Now to answer your question, no, eating pasta does not make you fat.

Now if you want to look like this guy, minus that stupid expression on his face:

(This one is for Alexandra.  I heard she was having a rough day.)

Or this guy:

(This one is for my most loyal reader Robert.)

Or if you want to look like any guy who can iron his shirt without taking it off I would suggest you skip your daily trip to the Olive Garden Never Ending Bowl of Pasta Buffet.

However for us mere mortals and the mere mortal goals that we tend to have  there is absolutely no need to cut pasta out of your diet unless you are under the direction of a physician to do so.

Pasta does not make people FAT.  When it comes to Pasta what makes people FAT is that they either:

1.  Eat too much relative to their daily caloric needs.

2.  They put too much high calorie “stuff” like creamy sauces, cheese or fatty meats on their pasta which once again equates to being too many calories  for their daily needs.

3.  Pasta is a “Trigger Food’ for them.

(When I say “Trigger Food” I do not mean that it turns you into this guy.  On a side note I think we just lost Robert and Alexandra.)

What “Trigger Food” means is there are some people when they start eating pasta they feel they cannot stop because too many happy hits start going off in their brain (think like a heroin addict).  In this case, minus some serious Psychological Intervention, they should either avoid eating pasta altogether or save it for  a very special occasion. When I say special occasion I mean like a Birthday or Religious Holiday.  ”Thursday” does not count as a special occasion.

(OK you Cave man types.  You got me on this one.  If you eat this much pasta, obviously minus the flavor of human feet, you will become overweight.)

If you fit into either group one or two here are my suggestions (you group three people need to consult with somebody who doesn’t wear shorts for a living):

1.  Go and buy yourself a freaking food scale!

(This is Marc, Kelly and George of Ace Housewares in Princeton, N.J.  If you need a food scale and you live in the area go see them about picking one up.  Tell them Shank sent you!  If you don’t live in the area then I don’t know what the hell to tell you.  I very rarely leave Princeton let alone my house.)

(This is my baby!  The OXO Digital scale with infrared scanner, a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time.  Ok. so there is no compass let alone  a stock but this sucker works really well and has done so for a very long time.)

An average serving size of Pasta for a small person (150lbs or less) ranges from anywhere between 100 to 150 grams. For somebody larger it goes up to 150 to 200 grams and for those with high activity levels or someone trying to gain weight that number can go as high as 250 to 400 grams.

Regardless of what size you choose the only thing I can assure you is that whatever winds up in your bowl will really piss you off!

(That’s all the Pasta my chubby ass gets!  Noooooooooo!)

That is because most people have no clue what a real portion size looks like.  The bottom line unless it has been confirmed by medical testing you can pretty much say screw your Thyroid, screw your genetics and screw whatever the new flavor of the month “Sell my Bull Crap Book” might tell you, most people in this Country are overweight because they simply eat way too much and that is especially true of Starchy Carbohydrates like bread, rice, pasta and potatoes.

2.  Unless it is a special occasion (there is that whole pesky moderation concept again) the only thing you should put on your Pasta (if you want to lose weight) is:

A.  Air (or a variety of your favorite spices/sea salt)

B.  Between 25 to 100 grams of a non Alfredo/non cream based sauce like a Marinara, Arrabbiata or Classic Red.

C..  A small portion of grated cheese (When I say small I mean like two tablespoons worth.  It shouldn’t look like it’s raining lactose on your dish)

D.  Use no sauce and instead just allow the marinade that is on whatever protein you are eating to flavor the dish

E.  A TEASPOON  of olive oil.  Please note I said a teaspoon and not the dumb ass “Gobs of butter and olive oil like they do on the Food Network”:

(First off, I hate your show.  And second, stop smiling at me.  There is so much olive oil and butter in that thing you could put my Pasty White Half Scotch/Irish Butt in that bowl and it would taste good.)

In conclusion my Compadre Mario,  to demonize one food, let alone a group of foods as the role reason for why people are overweight is just plain stupid and misguided.  More often than not it’s not the food that is the problem.  The problem is the person that is eating it.

I hope that helps.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Man, she really does get around.)

(What is she?  A nymphomaniac or something?)