Drew Brees, Blocking Carbs and the Toilet

(Authors Note:  A special thank you goes out to Mr. Jim Wendler and a client of mine who due to his status as a respected business professional shall probably wish to remain nameless, both of whom helped inspire the creative content of this post.)

Hey Shank,

The other day I bumped into a guy wearing this T-Shirt:

He was pretty much built like crap so I really didn’t listen to what he said.  It’s just he kept repeating over and over again about how his company had amongst many supplements, one that “blocked the carbs”.

He said the products are legit as they are endorsed by Super Bowl Champions Drew Brees and Trent Dilfer.  What I want to know is if its true.  Is it possible to take something that will allow you to block the carbs and fat from your diet?

Sincerely,

Fat Guy Who Wants an Excuse to Eat Pizza All Day

Dear Fat Pizza Guy,

Thanks for your question.  First off let me say that I am blown away by the celebrity endorsement.  I mean Drew Brees and Trent Dilfer!  It doesn’t get any better than that.

On the one hand you have Drew Brees, a man who will probably go down in history as one of the greatest athletes to ever play the position of Quarter Back in the NFL:

(I wonder if that company makes hair restoration products too?  Strangely enough I thought it was the TRX that made Drew Brees great but now it seems he also has to take a bunch of pills.  Sheesh!  What is next?  Decades of hard work and incredible genetics?)

And on the other hand you have Trent Dilfer, Washed Up Meathead turned Television Announcer:

(Guess he could use those hair products too.  On a personal note I would just like to say that I have every right to called Trent Dilfer a Washed Up Meathead because I am one myself.  It seems there is this rule that if you are part of a specific group you are pretty much allowed to say whatever you want about that group, regardless of how ignorant or untrue it might be. I don’t know why this is o.k.  I just know it is).  

Now getting back to your question the answer is a resounding NO!  There is no product out there that will allow you to “Block the Carbs” or “Block the Fat” from your diet.

How am I so sure?

Because I have experience with the products myself.  Let me explain.

Years ago I knew this guy who got involved in one of those Multi Level Marketing Businesses.  You know the ones where people sell products but also make a percentage of the profits from people they refer into the company while in the meantime pretty much irritating and alienating everyone of their friends and family who don’t want to hear about the persons new get rich quick scheme?

(Big Money!  Big Money!  Big, Big Easy Money!)

Well this dude had jumped in with both feet because he was one day “Going to have it made!”.  His two main products were Bulk Volume Industrial Grade Toilet Paper and Supplements, amongst them you guessed it “Carb Blockers”.

The word on the street was that you could eat bowl after bowl of pasta and not gain weight because this revolutionary product would not allow you to absorb the carbohydrates as they would simply just pass through your  system:

(I guess when they say “pass through” that means taking a giant dump.  Hence the industrial strength bulk volume toilet paper.  Genius actually, the two go together like Spaghetti and Meatballs.)

Intrigued by this possibility of a “Free Lunch” I bought the pills, took them  and then went home and like any Fat Guy who was looking for something for nothing I immediately ate half a Pizza.  The next day when I woke up, I went to the bathroom and saw this floating in the toilet:

(Oh My God it Worked!  It Blocked the Carbs!  Well not exactly.  That was half a Pepperoni Pizza.  But still that isn’t so bad.  I mean nobody is perfect.)

The bottom line, and this is not to insult your intelligence, the above photo is fake.  I have to say this because you know there are people out there who have way more money than they have common sense and are desperate enough to actually think substances like these actually work.

For the record I never pooped out an entire slice of pizza and neither will you.  Just like you will never be able to take a pill that by “blocking the carbs” and “blocking the fat” will let you eat endless amounts of pasta, pizza and candy and never gain weight.

Hope that helps.  I also hope the honesty wasn’t too much.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(When I said last time that I loved Road House I wasn’t kidding.  In all seriousness I wish for just one day I could kick ass like Swayze.  My problem is I am really good at getting mad, I am just not good at getting violent.  If I was you can be sure that I would be roundhouse kicking my way through the lies and filth that is the modern supplement industry.  Until then I am stuck writing about it.)

Vegetarians, Stupid People and Your Small Intestine

(Authors note:  A special thanks goes out to Dr. John Berardi at www.johnberardi.com and Cecil Adams at www.straightdope.com for inspiring some of the information in this post.)

Hey Shank,

There is this guy at my gym, he is supposed to be some kind of smart guy professor, who is  trying to push Vegetarianism on me.  Every time I see him he talks about the evils of meat.  It’s almost like a religion, like he is some kind of Born Again Cucumber or something.

His latest claim is that human beings are not built to eat meat.  He says that anybody who has ever even bothered to take the time to study human anatomy will know this to be fact.

I really want to shut this guy up.   He is so annoying that I feel I am going to have to beat him to death with a dumbbell.  My friend the Hamburgler feels that might be too overstated.  Do you have any suggestions?

Signed,

Ronnie McDonald

Dear Ronnie,

This is a real honor.  It is not everyday that I get to correspond with somebody who has made Billions of Dollars off the poor health habits of people around the world.

So here is my first suggestion.  Unless you really know how to dispose of a body I would recommend you seek less violent routes of getting your point across.  I mean nobody wants to see this happen to you again:

(This photo is of course from the infamous Turf War of 1990 when Wendy’s tried to move in on Ronnie’s territory.  Ronnie was arrested for allegedly tying up Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, God rest his soul, and pistol whipping him into unconsciousness with a stale Filet O Fish.  Strangely enough charges were never filed. Some believe it had to do with three straight Prosecutors mysteriously dying within a six month period of complications from heart disease and diabetes.  Very strange and suspicious indeed.)

But in all seriousness your Proselytizing friend does have a point when it comes to the POSSIBLE benefits of following a vegetarian diet.   I say possible because every time I go to Whole Foods I feel like I am the only guy in the whole building who can do a pushup and Whole Foods is like Mecca to Vegetarians.

(Hey!  Don’t look at him that way!  It’s pure Pancake Syrup!  That’s Vegan and Vegetarian all rolled into one so it must be healthy!)

Tests of Physical Strength not withstanding (There are some really Jacked Vegetarians out there that are not actual Gorilla’s) some of the possible benefits of a vegetarian diet are as follows:

1.  If the Vegetarian diet is plant based (unlike the syrup sucker above) that typically means less sugar and unhealthy fats which means less unhealthy calories and less junk.  Half the reason why Broccoli is good for you is because it is not doughnuts and therefore displaces a lot of the bad things that typically go along with consuming large amounts of fried dough.

2.  Due to the need to include more variety into the diet because of all the things you need to cut out, vegetarian diets typically compel people to eat not only more fruits and vegetables but also a wider variety of them too.  This is important because for most people eating green means lime jello.  That is definitely not good.

3.  There are significant environmental benefits to eating more plant based food not limited to less animal waste, water conservation and possible green house gas emission issues.

4.  Some people feel that vegetarian diets allow them to maintain certain religious or ethical beliefs.  This is based on many reasons not limited  to the fact you do not consume the flesh of other living creatures.

On a personal note while I can respect numbers one through three it is the later half of number four that never really worked for me.  Not for some high minded moral or ethical reasoning mind you, I just really hate cows, fish and chickens.  Chickens are straight out stupid (how can you respect an animal that can continue to do it’s business several minutes after it’s head is cut off).  As far as fish are concerned, any living creature that swims where it poops deserves to be battered,  fried and served up with coleslaw.  And when it comes to cows I find them to be smug:

(As if I didn’t dislike cow’s enough they had to go and use one to try and convince overweight people they could eat ice cream every night and lose weight.  I can hear the whining right now…but it’s dairy!  No, its called there is no such thing as a free lunch.  That was a metaphor and by the way that cow is really creepy.)

Now granted you can achieve most of the above (with the exception of #4) by eating a diet with less meat (and not totally eliminating it) but the point is that in a nation where millions are suffering from diseases related to lifestyle and diet, eating plans that have a strong vegetarian base can be very beneficial.

So that annoying guy does have a point, most smart people usually do.  The problem is he seems to also have an agenda and agendas often turn smart people into stupid people awfully quick.

The whole idea that studying human anatomy proves people are not designed to eat meat is laughable.  I am all about the health benefits of “plant based” lifestyles but to recreate the structure and function of the human body to advance a belief system only serves to discredit the belief system itself.

Every time I have heard  this biology/vegetarian argument it centers around the digestive system.   The story goes that humans are not designed to eat meat because our digestive tracts are too long and therefore meat spends too much time inside us so it putrefies and becomes toxic.  Often it is pointed out that largely carniverous creatures like dogs and cats have much shorter digestive tracts in order to combat this from happening.

(They were built to eat meat and choose to remind me of that every day.  In fact the only time they stop reminding me is when they are sleeping and even then they are dreaming of eating meat.)

One big problem with this whole well sounding theory is that our digestive tracts are really not that long say when compared to more purely vegetarian creatures like horses and cows.  Those animals need (as well as other purely vegetarian creatures) longer digestive systems along with specialized digestive enzymes, multiple stomaches and even extra/enlarged organs in order to receive enough nutrition from an exclusively plant based diet.  People don’t have any of that.  By our nature we are structured to be omnivores and have the ability to eat (with our large variety of teeth) and digest (due to our middle of the road digestive system) a large variety of foods as was necessary to survive a wide variety of constantly changing environments over millions of years.

Bottom line is this blog post has already gone on too long.  My mental digestive tract, as usual, has been stricken with a bad case of verbal diarrhea so let me finish up with this last point:

The vegetarian at your gym has some valid points but he also has an agenda and that quickly turns him into a giant douche.  He has no business trying to convince you to go vegetarian any more than you have any business literally shoving a cheeseburger down his throat.

I understand the whole digestive tract thing is a little intense  so if that doesn’t work just tell him to leave you the hell alone.  Either that or invite him to eat at one of your restaurants as I am sure if he swills down enough of that crap he won’t last very long.

Till next time,

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(If all else fails and my advice doesn’t work then I implore you to follow the words of another wise philosopher, Patrick Swayze:  ”Be nice until it is time to not be nice”.  It’s either that or find a new gym.)

 

(This is why I love having my own blog.  Where else can a man throw out random Road House references like “RIGHT BOOT”!  )

The Truth About Abs, Broccoli and She Males

Hey Stupid!  (Authors Note:  I assume the sender of this email is referring to me)

You think your so smart?  Well my trainer is the "Abs Expert".  It's true!  He told me, and I quote "There is a specific class of vegetables that contain very unique phytonutrients that actually help fight against stubborn belly fat".
Bet you didn't know that Smart Guy!
Signed (The sender of this email actually signed his closing "Why don't you go get bent")
The Truth

Dear Truth,
To answer your question, No, I did not know there is a specific class of vegetables that contain very unique phytonutrients that actually help fight against stubborn belly fat.  Then again I didn't even know that  there was such a thing as belly fat so it goes to show how much I get out of the house.
I was always under the impression that Spot Reduction i.e. the ability to burn fat from specific areas of the body for no other reason other than it upsets you, was impossible.
But maybe you have a point.  I mean now that I think about it I have a hard time believing that the fat between your ears is the same as the fat around this guys waist.
Then again I often like to deal in metaphors so touche.

(All kidding aside you have to admire the guys positive thinking.  It's like my buddy Dr. Jerry Novack  says "If you go out hunting for Moby Dick be sure to bring the tartar sauce".  I never had the heart to tell Jerry that most whales are endangered.  Maybe one day I will invite him over for a nice Sea Food Dinner and we can watch Star Trek IV about a dozen times.)

(Sorry for two pictures in a row but sometimes my references are so obscure even I have a hard time understanding them.  Star Trek IV was the movie where Captain Kirk and Crew had to go back in time in order to bring back a Humpback Whale.  The goal was to save the Earth from a killer Space Probe.  Crappy plot line for sure but it actually was a pretty good movie.)

But getting back to your initial statement with the whole "Miracle Vegetable" nonsense. I think your "King of Abs" is getting something confused.  
What I believe he is referring to are Cruciferous Vegetables, things like Broccolli, Cauliflower, Kale, Cabbage etc. and their supposed ability to counteract estrogenic compounds in the body.  Those estrogenic compounds, also known as Phthalates, reportedly can have numerous negative effects on the body not limited to low sperm count, possible cancer implications, testicular atrophy (yuk!) and specifically what you are referencing to, unexplained muscle loss and fat gain with the fat gain most notably in the abdominal and upper back area.
Estrogenic compounds can be found both naturally as well as those injested from the environment from possible sources such as household cleaners, "toxins" caused by industrial pollution, use of certain types of plastic etc.  It actually is some really interesting stuff it's just when people start trying to use it to explain complex subjects such as the cause of Cancer and Obesity things begin to get a little murky.  And when I say murky what I mean is some really heavy conspiracy theory stuff misplaced in its application to modern nutrition and disease.

(Something tells me "Mr. Paranoid" got fat from eating too many doughnuts.  Not from Tilex.  I just feel bad for the poor friggin cat.  On a personal note;  if you are obese know that ungroomed facial hair just makes you look more fat and sloppy.)
Now before I recieve an all out assault from the Naturopathic "take my pills which I naturally gain commission on" population in reference to my poo pooing all over their environmental estrogen theory let me say this:
What this issue comes down to isn't vegetables or bad 1980's movie references.  What it comes down to is are your Testosterone Levels low, what is  causing them to be low (is it from high levels of estrogen environmental or otherwise) and if your testosterone is low what possible effects could that be having on your overall health and well being.
When it comes to Testosterone and it's implications to your health and well being please take the following three points under advisement, and I don't mean like Hanz did from Die Hard because he really was a Jerkweed:
1.  If you believe you have low testosterone you need to GO SEE A FREAKING MEDICAL DOCTOR and not some guy who sells pills out of the back of a truck.  Have your testosterone levels checked.  Here is some more in depth information on that.
http://men.webmd.com/testosterone-15738
This subject of testing for Testosterone is very complex, far beyond the scope of this blog post so make sure to go over your results in detail with your Doctor once you have the test done.
2. Having Low Testosterone is serious business when it comes to your health and well being.  It is not fodder for the  "I wish I had a boner 24 hours a day" crowd so I urge you to take this subject seriously if you feel it is an issue for you.  What I do not urge you to do is try to solve the problem yourself speficifically on the basis of "Dude Science" and their "mutiple cool tricks" like taking dubious supplements,  eating 3lbs of broccoli every day and throwing out all your Lysol.
Why?  For one it won't work.  And secondly even if it did having ripped abs and the libido of a sixteen year old boy isn't going to do you much good if you are broke from buying pills, are farting all the time (Hello Broccolli!) and have to have your  legs amputated because of a Staph infection (Goodbye Lysol!).

(Don't say I didn't warn you.  This is what could happen if you try to battle low testosterone with vegetables.  Just one more example of somebody who should be reading my blog.)
3.  The proper level of testosterone varies tremendously from person to person based on an incredible amount of variables (age, genetics, symptoms etc.) and is often one of the most abused statistics out there.  As stated in point number two with the whole erection reference make sure these are real symptoms you are experiencing and not some alpha male "I have a small penis and I want everybody to know it" symptoms.

(Such a shame.  These guys are "only" 270lbs and ripped.  Anything short of 300lbs pounds of ripped muscle must indicate low "T" levels.  These guys need to see a doctor STAT!  If you thing that sounds ridiculous know that this whole testosterone level stuff can get really out of control really fast.)
I would do a conclusion but I think I made my point.  Low Testosterone is a serious subject and therefore requires serious action which does not include taking advice you got out of best selling e-book.  The symptoms often include things like serious impairments to daily living, Osteoporosis (yes Men get it too), difficulty conceiving a child, incredible lack of energy and zest for life not different from those experienced with mild to moderate forms of depression etc.
Hopefully this blog post has convinced you of the need to take your hormonal issues to the proper sources for help.
Till next time, yours in chocolate chip cookies,
Mike Cruickshank

Weird Science, Weight Loss and Late Night Eating

Hey Shank!

I am committed to building the body of my dreams!  I hired a trainer named Franz.  He is the 1978 Mr. Five Counties Bodybuilding Champion (sponsored by Banana Hammock Posing Trunks).  He told me the key to getting ripped “Old School Style” is not to eat after 8 p.m., especially Carbs.  After putting on an impressive display of poses emphasizing his incredible symmetry, Franz said that if I take his advice the fat will literally fall off my body!

What do you think?

(Sometimes “Old School” methods should be sent to the retirement village where they belong)

Signed,

Desperate to have Chicks like me.

Dear Desperate,

Congratulations on making a positive decision to change your body!  I wish you the best of luck but your trainer Franz is insane.

The “Old School” belief that you will lose more weight if you don’t eat late at night is based on ideas ranging from it somehow interfering with your sleep to your body processes calories differently later in the day and therefore is more likely to store them as fat.

Basically the entire concept rides on either end of the “makes no sense” teeter totter.

(I really wish I could un-see this)

Sure, people who don’t eat later at night will lose weight but it has nothing to do with the “Dude Science” the concept is based on.  In my experience what happens in the long run is strategies like these always backfire, resulting in people gaining back the weight they lost and then some.  I know some bodybuilders who use this as a “technique” but they only do it for a short period of time and only for as long as their biofeedback dictates.

The advantage of not eating late at night is that you are simply not eating.  You eat less, you weigh less.  When it comes to the first point, that somehow calories you consume at night are more likely turn to fat, know that the average person doesn’t process calories any different at night versus the day any more than they processes calories different on Monday versus how they do on Tuesday.  In fact, and this might be Modern Nutrition Heresy, for regular people (you know those people who account for 80% of the population) the entire concept of nutrient timing has absolutely no practical value, but that is a subject for another blog.

When it comes to the second point, the possible sleep issues, I can tell you two things for sure when it comes to copping some Z’s.  Most people I know tend to sleep better at night when:

1.  They aren’t pissed off and stressed out.

2.  They have a little food in their stomaches, especially carbohydrates.

(Frankie and Lily sleep well at night because they don’t have jobs and they get their tummy’s rubbed everyday.  It has nothing to do with not eating at night.) 

Now in Franz’s defense (Those huge Pecs of his didn’t come from nowhere) eating late at night can be dangerous when it comes to weight loss simply because most people don’t eat enough during the day (especially the “air sandwich” they have for breakfast). By nightfall they are starving.  Think about it.  If your body needs 1500 calories per day to function and you only give it 250, eventually you are going to have a problem.  You are going to be hungry.  Combine this along with the fact there are only so many Seinfeld Re-runs you can watch after a long day at work and you wind up with one bored and hungry person.

Hunger along with boredom is not good.  It always results in overeating.  In fact if I was trying to build the perfect fat guy like Wyatt and Gary built the perfect hot chick in in Weird Science, the first two ingredients I would add in would be hunger and boredom.

(If there is one thing he knows, it’s female stats.  Anything more than a handful you are risking a sprained wrist.)

So what to do?  First off eat your breakfast!  In English that means a lean protein with a little bit of healthy fat (i.e. whole eggs or egg whites with a little cheese, steak, lean turkey sausage or protein powder and some fish oil etc.) and a wholesome carbohydrate (real whole grain bread, oatmeal, fiber rich cereals etc.)  If you can get a vegetable source like onions, peppers or spinach in there then more power to you. Or if you want to replace the starchy carbohydrates with a couple pieces of fruit because you find you body handles them better then knock yourself out.

Next make sure you eat a dinner with some real muscle to it and that doesn’t mean the over marketed crap you pick up at your local fast food joint:

(Soak up the reality people.  Their marketing is so good they could put a piece of your poop between those buns and make it look good.)

Dinner means a lean protein (properly prepared fish, beef, chicken, pork etc.), a portion controlled serving of carbohydrates, and a vegetable (no, ketchup does not count as a vegetable).  

If late at night you are still hungry then eat dammit!  Just not an entire tube of Pillsbury Cookie Dough.  Try some protein in the form of a shake with added fiber, a couple scrambled eggs or small portion of tuna and if need be some fruit like an apple, pear, orange or some other reasonably sized carbohydrate source.  

Then move on with your life!  Stop living in the past and focus on what you need to do today to make yourself healthier, stronger and more fit.  

Hope that helps.  

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

 

(Damn those look good.  Too bad psycho cookie boy is going to come from the shadows and tear his doughy ass apart.)

The Paleo Diet is Horse Crap

Uga Shaka, Uga Shaka, Uga Shaka Grunt Grunt Shank:  We want to know what you think about the Paleo Diet?

Signed collectively,

The Geico Caveman, Captain Caveman, Fred Flintstone, Encino Man and Frozen Caveman Lawyer (Everybody’s favorite pre historic Rat Pack)

(Frozen Caveman Lawyer.  Definitely one of the most under appreciated SNL skits of all time.  God rest your soul Phil Hartman.)

Dear Ancient Version of Dean Martin, Sammy Davis and Frank Sinatra,

I had two reasons why I was a little apprehensive about titling this blog “The Paleo Diet is Horse Crap” but then again I couldn’t pass up the attention a controversial title would drum up:

1.  Horse crap is natural.  It is not composed of white flour, white sugar or dairy products so there is the chance that some Paleo Dieters might mistake this post as a recipe and start eating Equine Poop. I didn’t want that on my head.

2.  The Paleo Diet IS NOT really Horse Crap.  Actually as far as fad diets go, in theory at least, it can be a very healthy and very effective way to lose weight.  

Before we go any further let me explain exactly what the Paleo Diet is to those of you out there who may have no idea what the heck we are talking about.

A LITTLE HISTORY LESSON

The Paleo Diet was first made popular in the 1970′s by a guy named  Dr. Walter L. Voegtlin who was a Gastroenterologist.  Since that time numerous papers have been written about it but much of the credit for it’s modern popularity goes to a guy named Loren Cordain.  Please understand that Cordain is not even remotely close to being the only “Paleo Pope” out there he is just one of the more well known one’s.

The whole theory behind the Paleo Diet is this:

You take modern equivalents of foods that where available to prehistoric man and you eat only that.  According to one of the Bishops of the Paleo Church, a guy named Rob Wolf  ”If it’s not meat, fish, fowl, vegetables, fruits, roots tubers or nuts…it’s a no-go”.

In their defense (as if they need one from me) the Paleo people do emphasize that the Paleo Diet is a lifestyle incorporating amongst other things,  stress reduction techniques and an emphasis on proper sleep.  Sounds good so far.  Also the diet does allow some room for individual “tinkering” after a proposed strict induction phase lasting several weeks to several months depending once again numerous factors one of which is how far gone your health is.

(A sample “Paleo Meal” of fish and some vegetables.  Not bad, actually it is really nutrient dense and devoid of empty calories a.k.a. Healthy.  Certainly a step up from what Cave People actually ate as seen below)

(That my friends is a giant grub.  Grubs and many other insect like creatures formed a good bulk of pre historic mans diet as things like fresh fish and wild game weren’t always so easy to catch as the steak and sea bass at your local Shop Rite.)

This then begs the question why would anybody NOT want to follow the Paleo Diet?  Healthy unrefined foods?  Check!  An emphasis on factors outside of diet but certainly contributing to health like proper sleep, exercise and rest?  Check!

HERE IS THE RUB

The Paleo diet is a great idea!  There is it, I said it.  Still I don’t recommend it to most if not all of my people for the three following reasons:

Reason #1:  It is based on horse crap science:

Paleolithic Humans, the Pre Agrarian People this whole diet is based on, roamed the earth between 2.5 million B.C. till about 10,000 years ago.  Some of them still exist in small and isolated parts of the world.  If you aren’t good at math let me break this one down for you;  THAT IS 2.5 MILLION YEARS!  Way to narrow it down guys.  A lot can happen in 2.5 million years even without public transportation.  Over that period of time people lived in many different parts of the globe and they ate pretty much whatever their environment gave them access to including a variety of grains which is just one more food the Paleo people forbid.  Further more for some this meant a diet high in meat and for others there might not have been much meat at all.

I proudly once dated the best looking Doctor of Anthropology this side of the Smithsonian and she told me that despite an adult lifetime of studying these people and their diets even as “recent” as 80,000 years ago, it was still very difficult if not impossible to tell exactly what they ate in one part of the world let alone the entire planet.  Sure they had some good ideas, these scientists aren’t dopes, but to be able to nail the whole thing down and condense it into a 300 page best selling book…no way!

(One thing scientist are sure of…during times of famine Pre Historic People did sometimes snack on their young for survival.  Wonder if that made it into the book?)

The other thing I resent is this idea that Pre Historic People were somehow these walking models of perfect health like they were a bunch of pre nose job Bruce Jenners running and living in caves:

(Seriously Dude, you were a Stud!  What the hell were you thinking?)

For the most part Pre Historic People lived hard and brutal lives.  Sometimes people lived long and were very healthy but throw in an ice age or two and as stated before a lot can happen over a couple million years especially if you live at the whim of nature with no access to modern medicine, central heat or grocery stores.  Pre-Historic peoples health was pretty much at the mercy of their environment (much like it seems with people today sadly enough).  To try and emulate that if you don’t live in their environment is when things get tricky.

Reason #2:  It is as difficult for most people to follow for a lifetime as eating actual horse crap

I am going to make this one short and sweet since I have already ranted on too long.  I have known people who have followed the Paleo Diet ranging in time from six minutes, six hours, six days, six weeks and even six years.  You know what winds up happening to almost all of them?  They wind of freebasing  a loaf of bread at the Macaroni Grill like it was a giant ball of cocaine and they were Richard Pryor:

(Back in the day they had Richard Pryor and Earth, Wind and Fire.  Today we have Justin Bieber and ….aw screw it.  I am just going to wind up making myself depressed again.)

The bottom line is the Paleo Diet has huge issues with sustainability when it comes to a large majority of the “non-hardcore” population of which I am a member and a really big fan.  All the gimmicky excitement aside that means it just doesn’t work for me.  

Reason #3:  It is horse crap for vegetarians:

I know a lot of vegetarians many of whom can’t feature eating a diet with enough eggs to turn Rhode Island into a Souffle.  If that is the case then this is basically what the Paleo diet has to say to them:

(Pissed off old ladies are nothing to trifle with.  First they blind you with a face blast of their endless supply of baby powder then they stomp you to death with their walker.  I hate when that happens.)

Conclusion:

The Paleo Diet.  If you are following it because you find it convenient, it makes you feel good or you honestly believe that it is a better way to live then God Bless You and carnavate (not sure if that is a real word or not, actually I think I just made it up) to your hearts content.  My only advice would be not to get so anal retentive about it or treat it like it is some kind of religion because then you become really annoying like one of those people who did all the drugs and had sex with everyone on two legs but then finds God and thinks nobody else should even see an R movie.  In a nutshell if you want to include some milk, yogurt, wheat bread or God forbid the occasional hot dog or two then go a head.  Any diet you cannot live on consistently or exist on without pissing off everybody around you is going to fail over the long term and in the end that is all that matters.

The Caveman eating plan can be a healthy one because of what is NOT on the menu and not all the phony Dude Science it is built up on.  Any diet that doesn’t include daily hits of Pizza Hut, McDonalds, KFC, Soda, Doughnuts, cookies, cakes, pies, 500 calorie bagels with 300 calorie schmears of cream cheese, “energy drinks” and chicken parm sandwiches stuffed with mozzarella sticks and french fries (whoa!  that sounds like the buffet I am going to have at my wedding) is going to help you lose weight.  You don’t need a gimmick to do that.

(Despite it’s Leni Riefenstahl “Triumph of the Will” like propaganda promoting the Cave Man Lifestyle, Fruity Pebbles doesn’t make the Paleo list of approved foods.  In retrospect maybe that is a good thing.)

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank