A Dirtbag Rangers Fan, A Dirtbag Flyers Fan and Charlie Weingroff

(Authors Note:  Just so everybody understands the players involved I have decided to start this blog post off with a little Photo Montage.)

(This is a dirtbag Rangers Fan.  He is showing his disapproval of a Devil’s goal.  I don’t like it when the Devils score either so I can understand where he is coming from, but that is irrelevant to our discussion here.)

(This is a Dirtbag Flyers Fan.  I am not exactly sure if women can technically be Dirtbags but one thing I am sure of is that this chick really doesn’t like Sidney Crosby.  Neither do I so I understand where she is coming from, but that is also irrelevant to our discussion here.)

(And last but not least this is a guy who talks out both sides of his ass.  This is NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  He is pretty much irrelevant to any discussion particularly those involving the responsible management of illegal blows to the head. )

Hey Dirtbag Flyers Fan (a.k.a. my cousin Mike Cruickshank)

I have this problem with my shoulder.  About a year ago I injured it playing a game in my recreational hockey league.  No big deal because a couple weeks later the pain went away.

Problem is the other day I was sitting in my living room cheering like a lunatic while my Rangers were beating your Flyers for like the tenth time this year and I heard something in my shoulder “pop”.  Now I can’t raise my arm over my head.

(Sorry.  That is the Dirtbag Flyers Fan coming out of me.  I apologize.  Please continue.)

I was thinking of getting some exercise bands and an internet connection and trying to figure the problem out for myself.

You have any advice?

Signed

A Dirtbag Rangers Fan (a.k.a. your cousin Joe)

(As a Flyers Fan when I look at our dismal record against the Rangers this year I try to be positive and say “Hey, we’re due.”.

Dearest Joe,

Great to hear from you.  Sorry to hear about the shoulder though.  Here is my advice on your injury based on more than 15 years experience as a trainer:

You need to listen to Charlie Weingroff.  That means you call up Ray Guy and punt the damn football:

(This is Ray Guy.  He is the greatest punter in the history of the NFL.  If you want to argue with me on that then fine, just understand that you are wrong.  They invented the concept of hang time because of him.  He never had a punt returned for a touchdown.)

(This is Charlie Weingroff.  He is O.K.  Actually he is more than O.K.  He is a really good Physical Therapist and has squatted more than 800lbs.  I admire him most for his love of Star Wars.  Now the whole “Fan of the Green Lantern” thing I don’t get but when he talks shop I definitely listen.)

(I mean seriously Charlie, how could anybody root for a superhero who would lose to this guy in a fight?)

Odd “Superhero’s who are worthless against the color yellow” asides not withstanding the point to be made here is the worst thing you can do when it comes to sports/exercise related injuries is  try to “fix” the issue yourself.  A close second on the scale of dumb decisions when it comes to injuries is to take the advice of a professional who is not qualified to do so either (i.e. a personal trainer).

Think of this a lot like people who try to do their own electrical work.  Often times instead of fixing the problem they usually wind up with two opposite outcomes:

1.  They turn a $200 problem into a $2000 dollar problem.

2.  They wind up electrocuting themselves.

(And here I thought that “Dancing with Myself” would only result hairy palms and blindness.  But in all seriousness kids, listen to Billy Idol and don’t play with Electricity.)

When Charlie Weingroff says to “Punt the ball” what he means is you need to match the right professional with the right need.  Personal trainers don’t do pain and they certainly don’t do injuries, regardless of what some of them might tell you.  Likewise I don’t know too many Doctors who do sports and exercise very well either so Charlie’s point is very well taken:

(There is this very odd trend these days where all the Doctors want to be Trainers and all the Trainers want to be Doctors.  The reality is neither one of them does the others job very well.  Also, I wish somebody would tell this guy he is in a television studio and not an operating room.  Seriously Dude, ditch the scrubs.)

And don’t get me started on the inaccuracies of the Internet for crying out loud.

 

(Talking about guys named Charlie, according to the Internet he should be the next President of the United States.  Like I have said in the past, the Internet is not always a good source of information.  The obvious exception being www.clearpathtofitness.com)

So my advice to you my favorite Dirtbag Rangers Fan is to ask around for a good Physical Therapist, Sports Medicine Doctor, Physiatrist or Soft Tissue Expert and get this problem fixed right the first time.  If nobody in your immediate circle of friends, family or teammates can recommend anybody then come back to me and I will see what I can do.   Just know that a good Medical Professional is worth their weight in gold.  Usually the patients of good ones can’t shut up about how awesome they are so finding one shouldn’t be as big of a deal as it might seem.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(Since we started this post with a Hockey Montage I figured we should end it with one too.  This is top NHL Star Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals.  He really likes cereal.)

(He also likes sitting awkwardly on the laps of other men.)

(And he bears an uncanny resemblance to Richard Kiel, the actor who played Jaws in the James Bond Movies.) 

(Richard Kiel as you may remember also played Mr. Larson in Happy Gilmore.  This blog has now gotten completely off topic and completely out of control so goodbye.)

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steroids and Getting Huge Fast!

(Authors Note:  This blog was actually supposed to be about a shoulder injury a cousin of mine had suffered.   I was going to title the entry “Shoulder Injuries:  A conversation between a Dirtbag Rangers Fan and a Dirtbag Flyers Fan”.  The problem is I got a piece of reader mail today which was so over the top it needed to be addressed right now.  Sorry Joe, I will get back to you ASAP.)

(If there is one thing every Dirtbag Rangers Fan and Every Dirtbag Flyers Fan can agree on is that we are both glad we are not Devils Fans.  I find this kind of ironic given the fact that since 1995 the New Jersey Devils have won three Stanley Cups.    In that same time span the Flyers and Rangers have won a collective zero.  There is just something so off putting about a team that is so successful with a living legend at Goalie not being able to consistently fill their building.  Seriously Devils Fans, and I am talking to you Matt Aust, get your act together.)

Hey Pencil Neck!  (Authors note:  I assume this is me.)

I want to get Huuuuuuuge! (Authors note:  I think this is how a really insecure person with a very small penis spells the word “Huge”.)  I want to get ripped!  I want to get freaky!  I want to be so big and strong and scary that people walk down the opposite side of the street when they see me.  I want to have to be brought to school in a cage!  That is how frighteningly big I want to be!

Recently I got a hold of this program that promises to “Double my muscle gains, make my scrawny legs into WHEELS (Authors note:  Wheels is small penis language for big legs) and make sure I never stop gaining size and strength..EVER!  It promises I can do all this while still losing fat so chicks can see my abs and dig me while their boyfriends run away in fear.  

(Those above are what are known as “Wheels”.  They are almost as desirable as they are impressive.  What do you think?)

Put that in your pipe and smoke it you Tough Guy!  Bet you could never design a program that awesome!

Signed,

Melvin

Dear Melvin,

You got one thing right.  I admit that it is entirely beyond my capability to design a program that awesome.  I think even if I found a Genie in a Lamp I couldn’t make a wish grand enough to match that one:

(I have always thought of myself as a really good trainer but even I know my limitations.)

The funny thing is Melvin, I once felt the same as you.  At one time in my life I wanted to be huge, granted I didn’t spell it the same way you do, but then again I always made up for my inadequacies with sarcasm so to each his own.

It all started for me in mid 1986 which was the first time I ever saw the Movie “Commando” starring Arnold Schwarzenegger:

 (It is hard to believe that something so awesome…)

(…Could come out of something so strange.  My families first VHS Recorder looked just like this and weighed about 100lbs.)

It was at that point in my ten year old life I knew I wanted to be BIG!  I am not exactly sure what it was about that movie that had such an effect on me although I do know that Commando is like the Citizen Kane of meathead flicks.

Besides the fact that Arnold is just so plain awesome I guess I was drawn into the fact that during the film he was able to solve all of life’s problems by picking them up over his head and throwing them:

(Yes that is Arnold and yes that is a telephone booth he is picking up over his head and throwing across the Mall.  You kids out there have to remember that this was during a time before cell phones.  I guess the stupid machine should have just given him his quarter back.)

Take for instance the time a band of International Terrorist’s kidnapped Arnold’s daughter (played by the beautiful Alyssa Milano) and held her for ransom:

(Remarkably enough the mid 1980′s saw a massive rise in the sale of hand lotions and cremes.  No one is exactly sure why that happened.  However one thing is for damn sure;  She still is the best damn thing that your eyes have ever seen.) 

A lesser man would have folded under the pressure but not Arnold.  No, instead he jumped out of 747 mid take off and then if that wasn’t enough he went back on his word and took the guy he promised to kill last and he killed him first:

(Poor David Patrick Kelly.  Arnold claimed his biggest problem was gravity but in reality this man just couldn’t get a decent role.  First he get’s stabbed by Michael Beck and then Bludgeoned to death by a gang of black guys with hockey sticks in “The Warriors.  Then he get’s killed during stage IV sleep by Dennis Quaid in “Dream Scape”.  And if that all wasn’t bad enough he gets dropped off the edge of a cliff in Commando.  Guy just can’t catch a break.)

Melvin, as wonderful as this may all sound I have to tell you that eventually I became disenchanted with the idea of becoming huge.  After reading my reasons I would ask you to consider doing so too.  Now I can’t speak for you but in my case you could call it maturity or a refocus in life priorities but I believe my desire to no longer be massive came down to these three things:

1.  I realized that I could do every steroid on Planet Earth and I still would never look like Arnold Schwarzenegger:

(To claim steroids were the sole reason for Arnold’s, Barry Bonds or any other accomplished athlete’s success is a myopic statement at best.  Still they would have never accomplished all they did without them.   On the flip side anybody who tries to tell you that you can get huge and ripped at the same time let alone in a hurry without using drugs is straight out lying.)

2.  Being huge and ripped, I mean really huge and ripped like a pro bodybuilder, requires some pretty incredible genetics regardless of how hard you work or how many drugs you take:

(This is a photo of a young Arnold pre-Steroids.  That is a pretty incredible physique for such a young man.  He has a better body here than most people who work out their entire lives.  Hard work yes but biology certainly does contribute a lot.)

(This is a photo of a young Arnold right after winning his sixth Mr. Olympia title.  He is seen here smoking pot, drinking beer and eating fried chicken.  I am not sure what this has to do with anything, I just find it funny.)

3.  Last but not least I also realized I simply do not have a single minded drive that is strong enough to do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal, regardless of the consequences or who get’s hurt along the way.  I am a pretty driven guy admittedly but there is a point in the road you come to where you have to say “enough”.

This one was tough for me to admit at first because I saw this attitude as some kind of moral deficiency.  But the reality is that if you want to live a balanced life something has got to give.  While out of all the things I listed here this is the one you have the most control over I have to tell you that since I made my decision to turn my back on “being the best” I have never regretted it for one second:

(Ask them how I feel about not being at the gym 16 hours a day.  Regrets…I have few, but this is not one of them.)

So there you have it Melvin.  I wish you best of luck with your goals and your new program.  I just hope once you climb the ladder to success you don’t realize it was leaning against the wrong wall the entire time.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is Stallone today, plus or minus a couple extra pounds of head mass thanks to his decades long use of steroids and growth hormone.  I personally think he looks like the missing link these days, regardless of how “ripped” he might be.  To show you how messed up the “World of Huge” is I was once on a bodybuilding forum where somebody tried to convince me how good Stallone looks.  It was like arguing with an anorexic person about Karen Carpenter being too thin.)

(This is Karen Carpenter.  She had the voice of angel before complications from Anorexia took her life.  You may think she looks very different from people like Stallone and Schwarzenegger or how Melvin aspires to be, but the reality is when it comes to body image issues they both sit very closely on the same side of the fence.) 

Fiddler on the Roof, Half a Bagel and a Architect

Hey you little Pisher,

(Authors Note: Pisher is the Yiddish word for “A young squirt”.  It can also mean “Bed Wetter” or “A young inexperienced person of no consequence”.  Even though I don’t wet the bed anymore I have to assume the writer is referring to me.)

I almost plotzed the other day when I heard you tell one of your clients that a good breakfast would be half a bagel with a schmear of peanut butter or a little bit of Lox.  

(Authors Note:  Plotz is a Yiddish word meaning to burst or explode.  It can be used either in humor and laughter or as a derogatory term referring to a state of aggravation beyond bearing.)  

Half a bagel?  What kind of person eats only half a bagel.  I have never heard of such a thing!

I think you are a Putz.

Signed,

Tevye, The Milk Man

(For Twenty Five Years she washed his clothes, cooked his meals and milked his cow.  Of course she loves him!  That really is nice to know.  You want something else that is really nice to know?  For the average person, losing weight isn’t as complicated as it is made out to be.)

Dearest Tevye,

For a second  I thought I was the only person who had an incredible resistance to change.  But then again there are probably enough inter-faith marriages and sewing machines to go around for both of us.

To answer you question “What kind of person eats half a bagel?” my answer would be:

A thin one.

(I am sure he has never heard of eating half a bagel either.)

The bottom line for an average person with realistic goals,  when it comes to losing weight things really aren’t as complicated as they are made out to be.

The person you saw me talking to was a client of mine who is an Architect who does projects all around the world. Often times his food choices are limited to what is made available to him by the people he is working with.  Advising him to pack his egg whites and oatmeal to a meeting all the way around the world in Singapore only to tell him to whip it out and scarf it down while discussing a multi million dollar deal just isn’t going to work:

(Pretty talented guy huh?)

Since the food he most commonly ate was a whole bagel with a big plop of cream cheese my simple advice to him was to dump half the bagel and replace it with a portion controlled amount of protein with a little fat mixed in.  This worked very well for the following reasons:

1.  It cut the calories down significantly

2.  It was not a significant departure from what he was used to eating and it was readily available.

3.  Replacing the highly processed carbohydrates in the half of a bagel with either the lox or peanut butter made the meal much more nutritionally dense for the calories he was consuming and it provided a greater level of satiety (feeling of fullness in English) which made it less likely he would eat 87 pounds of the Char Kway Teow they served at lunch:

(This is Char Kway Teow.  It is usually made from flat rice noodles stir-fried with lard, dark and light soy sauce, chilli, de-shelled cockles, sliced Chinese sausage, bean sprouts, Chinese chives, prawns and egg.  It is definitely not low calorie.  But then again…)

(This a man from Singapore making Char Kway Teow.  Maybe the reason why he is so thin is because even though the dish is very dense in calories he doesn’t eat it every day and when he does eat it he doesn’t consume about 100 pounds in one sitting.  We Americans can learn something from this that doesn’t involve us shilling out more money to the $60 Billion Dollar a year weight loss industry.)

So Tevye, now that you know the specifics maybe you won’t find my advice to be such a Shanda.

(Authors note:  I only know this word because it was on an episode of Law and Order but Shanda means “A shame” or “A scandal”.  I think I heard it on an episode of Seinfeld once too.)

I did also advise my client he could forgo the bagel entirely, keep the protein source intact, and instead have a couple pieces of fruit instead but that was too much for him to handle at the time so we just stuck with the half a bagel because that was what we was familiar with.

Hope that helps.

Till Next Time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(I have no idea why this guy decided to wear his underwear to the beach but then again if I was built like that I would probably wear my underwear to the beach too.  And the grocery store, and the mall and Church etc.  The reality is if your goal is to look like this there probably aren’t too many bagels lying in your future.  But what most people need to understand is that such a physique is a mixture of age, genetics and a complete lifestyle dedicated to the pursuit of physical magnificence.  What it is not is a level you have to reach in order to feel pride in the way you look, fit in your clothes, function better in daily life or just be an overall healthy person.)

Trainer Bob, The Biggest Loser and One Giant Pile of Crap

Hey Shank!

I was at the Pharmacy the other day picking up my prescription for a rather virulent outbreak of Herpes Simplex Ten when I saw this amazing product on the shelf:

(Hey Bob.  Are you freaking kidding me?)

It’s only $19.95 and I really need to lose weight!  What do you think?

Signed,

Ramon (The Fella you met about a week ago)

Hey Ramon,

I remember you!  We met at the party last week while doing the Neutron Dance:

(Please tell me that someone out there got my obscure Beverly Hills Cop reference.)

As far as “America’s Most Inspirational Trainer” Bob Harper’s product is concerned let me just say this:

It is one Giant Pile of Crap.

Ramon, if you really want to lose weight kick that product to the curb and repeat after me “I didn't get fat eating pills therefore I won’t get thin eating pills either”.

That goes for Trainer Bob’s product just as much as it goes for his cohort, “America’s Toughest Trainer” Jillian Michaels and her bottle of broken dreams:

(How in God’s name these people sleep at night after lying to the unsuspecting public and selling this garbage is beyond me.  Granted they probably made more money in the last ten minutes then I have made in my entire life but it still doesn’t change the fact that this stuff just plain doesn’t “work” when it comes to losing and maintaing a healthy bodyweight.)

If you are really serious about losing weight you need to buy my product instead.  It is called “America’s most sarcastic trainer” Mike Cruickshank’s:

FAT LOSS MAGIC IN A BOX!

It contains the following:

In order to cut down on overhead and maintain maximal profitability we have decided to get rid of the fancy packaging and instead put our product in a plain cardboard box:

(Our formula is so amazing we don’t need no stinking marketing.)

Then we included an empty bottle filled with nothing:

(This is so the next time you reach into a bottle to solve your problems you will get all the help you really need.)

And last but not least we included an entire roll of duct tape which when placed over the mouth is excellent for calorie control:

You remember calorie control don’t you.  It is the only proven way to lose weight without surgery:

(Personal Trainers who think they are Pharmacists and use their fame as a platform to sell weight loss supplements are right up there with Actors who use their fame to advance their political agendas.   Somebody should just tape all their mouths shut.)

And as a special bonus, if you buy within the next 24 hours, we will also throw in a large green rubber ball at no extra cost!

(How a large green rubber ball is going to help you lose weight is beyond me.  It was all Frankie and Lily’s idea.  Granted large green rubber balls are calorie free so chewing on one instead of say a box of doughnuts could help you eat fewer calories.   Maybe the fur balls are on to something here.)

In conclusion Ramon I think you are fantastic so don’t take this post the wrong way.  I really don’t mean to be overly sarcastic and rude.  My only goal is to once again fight the same uphill battle I have been fighting for the last decade and say this:

The solution to your weight loss problems will never be found in a pill, or blaming your genetics or buying something on late night television.  It will be found in the food you put into your mouth.  This is true regardless of which fitness flavor of the week is hocking the newest weight loss miracle.

But then again what the hell do I know.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(This is Dante’s version of hell.  If you click on the image and look closely you can see the special place set aside for trainers who tell people they can lose weight by taking pills.   That spot is located near the bottom right between Hypocrites and Fraudulent Counselors.)