Lucky Charms are now a health food?

Hey Shank,

Yesterday I was looking at my kid’s box of Lucky Charms and noticed it said made with Whole Grains. What gives? Are Lucky Charms now a health food?

Signed,
Mr. Confusion


Hi Mr. Confusion,

Love the notes you leave in my fortune cookies. Hope all is well with you.

Yes, Lucky Freaking Charms are now a health food! Think about how awesome that is! It would be like if somebody was able to come up with a high fiber cigarette.

Mistakenly, I was always under the impression that people ate things like Lucky Charms, Cookie Crisp, and Coco Puffs because they were quick, convenient and tasted awesome. Turns out I was wrong. I guess you cannot underestimate the heart protective benefits of all that marshmallow and sugary goodness.

Unfortunately when reality sets in you begin to realize that the only active ingredient that makes those cereals health foods isn’t Whole Grains, it’s called Marketing.

(Magically delicious for sure. But as a health food? More like magically full of hype)


I actually know some really ripped bodybuilders who eat that stuff. The only difference is it usually occurs after they have been out drinking all night or during the off season when they are competing with other bodybuilders to see who can get the biggest and the fattest possible.

Personally, if I wasn’t being thrown by an overwhelming need to recapture my youth (which has been known to happen from time to time) I would kick that stuff to the curb. But then again I don’t have kids so what the hell do I know.

Yours in chocolate chip cookies,

Shank

Chocolate Cake, Mr. Snagglepuss and Adolf Hitler (Continued)

Mr. Snagglepuss

Who is Mr. Snagglepuss you might ask. He is only the swingingest cat in a three piece suit this side of the Equator. He was also my Psychology Teacher, senior year of high school (Please note that the man’s name really wasn’t Mr. Snagglepuss. As usual names have been changed to protect the innocent).

Now I want to go on the record here and say that Mr. Snagglepuss was one of the best, if not the best, teachers I ever had.

How can I say that…well let’s just say that Mr. S taught me things in that class that even 18 years later I still find incredibly helpful and applicable to my life. To me that is the sign of a good teacher. That and he never forced me to learn that an Isosceles Triangle is a Triangle with two of its sides equal in length (This is actually a nice Segway into my next blog titled “Everything I needed to know about Geometry I learned from Fisher Price).

Anyway, one day we come into class and there is an assignment on the board. This was not the usual M.O. for the Puss so it definitely caught our attention.

The assignment was to pick from three candidates listed, the ideal leader for our country. Here are their qualifications:

Candidate A associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. Had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, rises from bed at 11am, used opium in college and drinks champagne, brandy, whiskey and smokes cigars to excess every day.

Candidate C was a decorated war hero, vegetarian, doesn't smoke or drink (was actually a vehement anti smoker), kept a strict schedule, never showed up late to meetings and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Out of the 20 people in the class, 19 picked Candidate C. The only person who didn’t pick candidate C was this guy named “Stewie”. Stewie (which ironically enough comes out as “stewed” in spell check) was always a rebel plus he had a bit of an edge to him. And just like most people from Woodbridge, N.J. he wore that edge proudly on his sleeve. He smoked Marlboro Reds since the age of 14 and regardless of the ambient temperature outside he always wore this denim jacket with a big Metallica Patch sewn on the back. Ride the lightening it said, I think.

When Stewie was asked why he didn’t go with C he said it was because the guy sounded like a control freak that always had to have it his way. Stewie liked both A and B better because he thought they sounded like real people who could more easily relate to others. He actually went with candidate B because he smoked cigars and slept in everyday, two things to which Stewie always aspired to do when he grew up.

Now you might ask what the heck does this story have to do with diet and nutrition? Candidate A, the guy who smoke and drank a lot, that was Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Candidate B, the guy who also smoked and drank a lot and also slept in everyday that was Winston Churchill. Candidate C, the future PETA and Pritikin diet man of the year…that was freaking Adolf Hitler.

(Good choice picking C. Look at what you just won. The worlds biggest psychopath. I'll take the British Party animal anyday)


So congratulations! You just picked the biggest murdering coward of the last thousand years to be your leader because underneath those snazzy well pressed suits he wouldn’t have required a script for Lipitor.

Listen, I am not using this as an example to promote poor health habits along with excessive alcohol and cigarette consumption (although after the holidays I can certainly understand where people who do that are coming from). The point is this. Diet and morality do not mix, not for one second.

Next time you feel guilty about eating some cake I want you to smack yourself in the face and ask yourself this. When was the last time you gave your time or donated money to an animal shelter, a soup kitchen, or a home for seniors? There are thousands of places that need your help and resources more than Body by Jake and his newest piece of crap exercise machine that you won’t wind up using anyway. If you can’t feature that, then you have something to really feel guilty about.

Then again, what the hell to I know.

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Mike Cruickshank

Chocolate Cake, Mr. Snagglepuss and Adolf Hitler

“Welcome to the abandoned land.
Come on child take my hand.
Here there’s no work or play. Only one bill to pay.
There’s just five words to say as you go down, down, down.
You’re gonna burn in hell!”
(Twisted Sister)

I work in Princeton, New Jersey. Now before you draw any conclusions I want to qualify what I do for a living. I do not work in one of the “sexier” professions like a Rocket Scientist, Investment banker, or Plasma Physicist(Please note that in Princeton these professions are considered sexy like actors and models are in the rest of the world).

I wear shorts for a living. I am a personal trainer.

So the other day I had a lady come in the gym. From the second she hit my peripherals I could tell she was really neurotic. I mean a real hot mess.
With no prompting on my part she came over and let me know she felt the need to “confess”.

She told me she had been bad.

Now at the risk of making this sound like a bad late night cable movie I went ahead and asked “What did you do that was so naughty”.
Maybe not the right choice of words but to my amazement she told me to “Guess”.

I asked her if she robbed a bank.

“No” she said. “Worse”.

I thought to myself what could be worse than robbing a bank? According to the FBI, not much. Maybe Domestic Terrorism?
I quickly disqualified that given the fact that a wealthy white woman hasn’t blown something up in political anger since Patti Hearst.

“Did you kill somebody?”

“No” she said, “It wasn’t that bad”.

At this point I had given up so I said to her “I give up. What is worse than robbing a bank but not as bad as murder?”

“I had a piece of chocolate cake”.
If this wasn’t the early spring and my gym wasn’t in a basement I could have sworn you would have heard Crickets chirping at that point.
People, let’s get one thing straight.

FOOD IS NOT A MORAL DECISION.

Now before all you militant vegans, conspiracy theorists and health nuts start ranting on about conditions in slaughterhouses, the evils of big agriculture and fat parents raising fat kids I want you to note for the record I am not talking about any of that stuff.

The idea that somebody should feel “bad” or even worse that stupid fitness world buzzword “guilty” about any food is insane. So the next time you hear Jaime Lee Curtis tell you that her yogurt makes her poop and lets her do so “guilt free” let me tell you straight up that she has absolutely no idea what the heck she is talking about.

There is no such thing as a “bad” food. There is only the wrong food being eaten by the wrong person at the wrong time.

For example, enjoying a cookie that you just made with your child or having a piece of cake at a celebration with family and friends is a heck of lot different than sitting alone in your apartment crying tears into a pint of Haagen Dazs contemplating how much you hate your life. One example is about using food to enhance the experience of life. The other example is using food as a drug to numb you to reality.

The point is that there is an entire industry that profits off this idea of “Guilt Free” foods and it is just plain wrong. Now if you don’t want to take my word for it then take the word of Mr. Snagglepuss.
(To be continued)….