Tom Cruise, The Pope, and Beef Jerky: What I Ate 2/1

What I Ate 2/1

Meal 1: 2 scoops chocolate protein powder mixed with ice and water
2 slices Trader Joe’s extra fiber wheat bread with a little Smuckers jelly
1 ultimate man multivitamin (we have already touched on whether or not this actually makes me the ultimate man. I say no. Tom Cruise probably wants that title but for that very reason we should not give it to him)

Meal 2: (This one is messed up) ½ package of turkey ted beef jerky or some stupid name like that. I actually cannot remember. My girlfriend picked it up at Trader Joes when she was getting our bi weekly order of salsa, beef jerky and pretzel bites. She thought it looked interesting and it was. They were these Jerky like sticks that looked kind of like that hot dog that you left on the grill for too long cause you got really drunk at your buddy Jerry’s BBQ in Pennington and then later you got the buzz munches and saw it on the grill all burnt and crispy looking and you ate it anyway.
So on that note you know it tasted really good, way better than regular old beef jerky and for that reason I started to get suspicious because if there is one thing I have learned in this world is that there is no such thing as a free lunch (just so you know I did not actually discover there is no such thing as a free lunch. I think Christopher Columbus discovered that and even he figured it out a couple hundred years after the Vikings). This along with the fact that the label just wouldn’t shut up about how it had no nitrates in it and how “low fat” it was compared to regular beef jerky had all combined to make me wonder if there was some Trader Joe’s “I’m organic and so I am better than you as a person” kind of tomfoolery going afoot (what the hell does tomfoolery mean anyway?).
It turns out that compared to regular beef jerky this stuff is loaded with way more calories, less protein and way more fat. That’s a triple looser in my book but it does go a long way to explaining all those really overweight and unhealthy people I always seem to see in that store and Whole Paycheck (i.e. whole foods) who think they are doing the right thing by shopping organic and paying twice as much for everything. There is an important lesson in this all though. Even if something is organic, if it is loaded with too much fat or too much sugar or too many more calories than you need to consume in the day the only thing you are going to wind up with is an organically fat butt.
Oh Yeah, I had an apple and 2 oz. of raisins with this meal.
Meal 3:
1 serving of meat over pasta (beef, yellow squash, spinach, onion, tomatoe (Dan Quayle says take that red line and suck it spell check) sauce (about 350 grams total weight) with 200 grams of Barilla Penne Pasta.
Meal 4:
7 oz. Albacore tuna
1 baked potato
1 cup mixed vegetables with ½ tablespoon olive oil and sea salt

Meal 5:
More leftover meat over pasta but I had only 300 grams total meat and veggie mix along with the same amount of pasta. I only had less meat and veggies because that was all that was left in the Tupperware. I did not do it because of some dumb outdated idea like eat less at night or my favorite “Eat like a king at breakfast, a prince at lunch, and a pauper at dinner”. What the hell is this anyway, the middle ages?
I hope not because that would mean that the Pope would be running the show and that would mean trouble for me being a lapsed Catholic with a Jewish girlfriend. I think they used to put your eyes out for stuff like that. At the very least they would take me by the scrotum and start playing ping pong with my balls. Oy the agony, Oy the shame to make my privates public for a game (o.k. I stole that last part from Mason in the History of the World. Damn good song though)