Hey Shank,
Have you heard about the Fat Girls Table?
What’s your opinion on this one Tough Guy!
Signed,
Robert “My favorite show is Gossip Girl” McFartyPants
(I have no idea who these people are.)
Dear Mr. McFartypants,
While I find it funny that I am being called out by a dude who watches a show called Gossip Girl, at first I thought you might be talking about a reunion tour of one of my all time favorite Hip Hop Bands. But then I realized that Buff Love died almost twenty years ago of a heart attack while weighing 450lbs:
(When it comes to the Fat Boys I have one thing to say: Disorderlies was an outstanding cinematic event.)
(Do yourself a favor and see this film. I may have overstated things when I said “outstanding” but where else can you find Bananarama, Bon Jovi and the Latin Rascals all in one movie?)
Yes, I am familiar with the “Incident”. For those of you who have better things to do and may not have heard, last week a story came out about three women who went to a restaurant in Stockton, California. When they received the bill the words “Fat Girls” were printed on the receipt:
(Please click on the picture and realize that yes, it really says “Fat Girls”.)
As you can imagine the customers were very upset. I mean who wouldn’t be? I know if I went to a restaurant and the bill said “Sexy Bitch” on it…
(Sexy Bitch, that’s me.)
Well actually I wouldn’t be upset, more like flattered, but I think you get the point.
Since I have received about a dozen emails regarding my opinion on the “Fat Girls” I want to say that I think this story, at least when it comes to issues of diet and fitness, is really frigging stupid.
(This is my friend Izzy. While the news has been focusing it’s attention on a Waiter and Three Chicks with sluggish metabolisms, Izzy has been at the SAVE Animal Shelter for several months. Maybe if media paid as much attention to outstanding dogs like Izzy as it does to financially exploiting human misery she might have been adopted by now.)
The bottom line is discrimination, like Popped Collars, has been around a long time and unfortunately neither seem to be going anywhere any time soon:
(Unless you are this guy, don’t pop your collar. What made him cool makes you look like a tool.)
If you want an educated opinion on the causes of social inequality, which is what this really comes down to, you would be better off consulting a Sociologist, Anthropologist or Psychologist like my personal Physician, Dr. Jerry Novack:
(This is Dr. Jerry Novack. He’s not just a man, he is also a metaphor. In reality he is Psychologist, not a Physician. It’s just any time I can quote Mahoney from The Police Academy and make a Dr. Jerry Novack reference at the same time I am going to do so. And Yes, I know what you are wondering. Dr. Jerry Novack was indeed Lee Marvin’s stunt double.)
(You idiots! You captured their stunt doubles!)
(This is Mahoney and his own personal physician Dr. Larvell Jones)
Now before I start going off on a movie line induced rant here, please realize that anything I say on this issue is going to be clouded by the fact that I do pushups for a living and will have little or nothing to do with addressing on any significant emotional level, the humiliating experience these women went through.
You see when I first saw this story two things popped into my head:
1. Telling Fat People they are Fat doesn’t really work. It is a lot like telling a smoker that smoking is bad for them:
(What you call an unhealthy habit they call “Lunch”. I can hear the conversation right now:
Doctor: Hi Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick this is your physician, Dr. Black Lung. I was just calling to let you know that smoking is bad for you.
Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick: Well thank you Doctor. But since neither one of us has had a solid meal since 1997 we really don’t care.)
Telling a person they are fat or a smoker that smoking is bad tends to irritate the hell out of them. This stresses the person out more and then in an attempt to regain a little bit of equilibrium (and not choke you to death):
(Smoking for weight loss…results may vary.)
They wind up eating and smoking more, not less.
You might think you are helping but you are being just like the waiter. The reality is that anybody who coughs for 5 minutes straight or who still shops in the Husky Section doesn’t need you to give them a bigger dose of awareness about how undesirable their current situation is:
(These are the women from the “Fat Girls” table. And yes, I get the fact that they are all morbidly obese. Yet since this none of them are sitting on recumbent bikes while this picture was taken it seems apparent that reminding them all how overweight they are did nothing to empower them to take better care of their health.)
2. Fat People all seem to eat the same exact things:
When I saw the receipt I saw exactly what I thought I was going to see. Fat People Food. Almost all the overweight people I meet seem to suffer from the same symptoms of a disease I call “A Side Of” as in you get a sandwich (which should be a meal in and of itself) along with a side of :
*A large soda
*French Fries
*Potato chips
*A dozen doughnuts
(These are carrots. If you are looking for a side dish then think of these as “French Fries for skinny people”.)
Granted nothing I have said here today will change the fact that people who are overweight are ostracized in our society. This is because when it comes to discrimination, whether it be public or private, we all do it:
(He’s better than you. And he knows it.)
I just find this ironic when it comes to weight loss because we live in a country which often says one thing when it comes to health (i.e. you must be skinny to matter) but then at the same time sells the exact opposite (cheap and calorie dense foods along with impractical/unsustainable weight loss solutions):
(How many of you out there spent cash on any of this B.S.?)
So for all you angry regular sized people out there I get the fact that overweight people can sometimes be really annoying:
(If you think that we should just accept people being this fat you have obviously never had to spend time on a plane next to a heavy breather like this.)
It’s just ridiculing your less svelte friends doesn’t get anybody anywhere.
And for all you fat people out there stop bitching and moaning and acting like a victims because that is exactly what a lot of you do.
(Whoever came up with this is totally awesome.)
Realize it’s not your genetics, it’s not your thyroid, it’s not GMO’s or Fast Food Restaurants that are to blame or the fact that the world doesn’t accept your for who you are.
It’s the fact that you do a very poor job managing your personal mental and emotional connection to food. You eat too damn much and move too damn little
And that is all I have to say about that.
Till Next Time,
Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,
Mike Cruickshank
(How cool would it be if we could dig Lee Marvin up from the dead and have him make one more film where he takes a bunch of young fat soldiers, get’s them in shape and then goes to Germany to kills lots of Nazi’s. We could call it “The Overweight Dozen”. I like the sound of that.)
