Smoking Pot, South Carolina and Dunkin Doughnuts

(This man is the reason why I never really got into hardcore drugs.  But that is a story for another time.)

Hey Opinionated Dick Head,

I read your post on Intermittent Fasting.

You are an idiot.  I have tried numerous diets in the past but it was only Intermittent fasting that really worked.  It has changed my life.

If everybody did it we would not have an obesity problem.

What do you think about that Tough Guy!

Signed,

Guy in a stupid hat

(If the Man in the Yellow hat had a curious monkey, does the Guy in a stupid hat have a really disinterested one?)

Dear Guy in a stupid hat,

You want to hear something funny?

I have never used Marijuana yet I absolutely love movies about people who smoke pot.

Call it whatever you want.  Maybe I am living vicariously through Cheech, Chong, Harold and Kumar or I have some unresolved need to be a rebel but either way it’s true.

(For you kids out there too young to know, the entire van was made out of weed.)

You want to hear something else funny?

Dunkin Doughnuts has now come up with a “Diet” Doughnut.  Or at least according to one resident of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina they have.  Let me explain.

(Myrtle Beach South Carolina, they have a beach there.)

Recently a client of mine was visiting his sister in the Palmetto State.  One evening, while sitting on the balcony of her third story condo he witnessed a very strange thing.

As he looked out over the swamp toward the white sandy beach not to far away:

(The Swamp, it’s a metaphor.  But it really exists.)

He noticed this Ginormous woman sunning her self  by the pool much like a Whale who beached itself in memory of terrestrial ancestors past:

(Whales, they used to live on land you know.)

Up came her Ginormous Husband.  He was so big he had to splay his feet outward to balance himself while he walked:

(When you are so heavy it changes the way you walk, it’s time for a change.)

Very lovingly he said in a most comfortable southern tone “I’m gettin to Dunkin Doughnuts, ya want anything?”.

To which she replied “Yep.  Git me a dozen of them doughnuts.  But not like those one’s you got last time with the holes in the middle.  Git me the ones with the cusssstard.”

(Doughnuts, fat people like the ones with Cusssstard.)

This made me think.  How fat have people in this country become when “regular” doughnuts just aren’t enough.  It’s almost as if somebody saw that hole in the middle and said “There’s potential room for more calories here.  I have to fill that with something or I just won’t be satisfied”.

It’s like when cocaine and heroin weren’t “enough” so someone came up with the idea of an eight ball and then next thing you know John Belushi is dead:

(A legend, taken far too early.  Now we are left with Three and a Half Men minus Charlie Sheen.  There is no God.)

Granted I have not checked up on my history of pastries recently, so for all I know the Boston Kreme could easily pre date the double glazed.  But the fact is food nowadays tastes just too damn good.

Culinary exorbitance is the dilemma when it comes to you losing weight.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you haven’t bought the next big diet book or ninety day miracle exercise DVD:

(If you want to lose weight and your credit card is out right now you are probably on the wrong track.)

Now when I say that food tastes too damn good I don’t mean that apples these days taste better then apples one hundred years ago.  What I mean is apples back in the day were just that, Apples.  The modern mutagenic version of Eve’s favorite fruit is now covered in carmel, nuts and chocolate because much like the maligned doughnut hole, there came a time when even Candy apples weren’t enough:

(That is a candy apple.  It’s current day freakish children are in the back.)

Face the facts people, food in this era is no longer food.  It’s Porn:

(This is a porn star.)

(This is a food porn star.  You guys know I like metaphors but that is disgusting.)

As a society we need to come to grips with the fact that 90% of the time what we put into your mouth is meant to be nutrition.  It is not meant to an artificial experience of self medication, taste orgasms or a way to avoid dealing with the problems in our lives.

Until we grasp that inconvenient truth people will constantly be searching for that next miracle way to eat.  Hence the 50 Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry of which Intermittent Fasting and all other fad diets are a part of.

To the Guy in a Stupid hat I wish you best of luck with keeping the weight off this time.   But then again maybe that is just the point.

This time.

Till next time yours in chocolate chip cookies (just not covered in chocolate, dipped in six scoops of ice cream, topped with whipped cream, hot fudge and nuts with a cherry on top),

Mike Cruickshank

(If you want one more example of modern day “food” being completely out of control check this out.  These are what are called Slutty Brownies.  They are raw cookie dough layered with Oreo’s which are then covered in brownie mix and baked at 350 degrees till the glass dish they reside in begins to resemble a crack pipe.   Damn do they look good.)

Intermittent Fasting, Making Babies and a German

(Baby, the other other white meat.)

Dear Shank,

My Frau and I are currently trying to conceive a child.  I want to be in the best possible shape for the arrival of our little Wiener Schnitzel.

What do you think about Intermittent Fasting?  Will it help me achieve the body of an Ubermensch?

Signed,

The German Baby Maker a.k.a Seth Nietzsche

(As a living legend with eleven kids and an eight pack you might reckon that he would be the person best qualified to answer this question. Inquiries on personal finance, not so much.)

My Dear Teutonic Stallion,

Thanks for your question and best of luck with your family.

My opinion on Intermittent Fasting, much like the details of Dr. Evils life,  are quite inconsequential:

(Dr. Evil.  He didn’t go to six years of Evil Medical School to be called Mister.)

But if you pushed me I would have to say that Intermittent Fasting is a load of crap.   But not just any crap.  It is a special type of crap, like the crap of the Dung Beetle who actually makes it’s crap by eating the crap of another animal.

That’s pretty bad.

(The Dung Beetle.  Whenever things are bad and the deck is stacked up against you just remember it could get much worse.  You could be eating poop for dinner.)

I’m sorry if that came across a bit harsh.  Let me explain.

For those who don’t know Intermittent Fasting is a pattern of food consumption that alternates between periods of eating and not eating (i.e. fasting and not fasting).  There are slight variations depending on whomever wants their pockets filled with your cash but the above definition basically covers the gist of it:

(When it comes to living for Profit, even the Ferengi have nothing on the Fitness Industry.)

It’s not that I have anything against Intermittent Fasting per se.  I think all of the Diets proposed by the Fitness and Weight Loss Industry are one giant impotent joke when it comes to losing weight and keeping it off for the rest of your life:

(OK.  So maybe after that last comment you could guess that down deep I really do have something against Intermittent Fasting.  The reality is in the third grade a kid who intermittently fasted beat me at Pickle Ball.  I will never forgive you Danny Ackerman.)

Of course Intermittent Fasting (or IR as those in the know would say) “Works”.  Anything “Works” if you are actually paying attention to what you eat because paying attention to what you eat one of the simplest ways to practice calorie control.  Calorie Control works, regardless of whatever fancy title you choose to put on it.

In that respect Intermittent Fasting is really no different from any of the fad diets that preceded it, all of which worked at some time for somebody.  Let’s name a few:

The Hollywood Diet, The cabbage soup Diet, The Master Cleanse, The South Beach Diet, The Atkins Diet, The Hollywood Cookie Diet, The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet, The Zone Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, The Three Day Diet, The Chicken Soup Diet, The U.S. Ski Team Diet, The Best Life Diet, The Volumetrics Plan, The Egg Diet, The Warrior Diet, The Pritkin Diet, The Caveman Diet, The Blood Type Diet, The Acai Berry Diet, The French Diet, The Food Pyramid Diet, The Amen Diet, The Raw Food Diet, The Blood Sugar Diet, The Blue Zones Diet…

Take a deep breath and:

The Anti-inflammation diet, The Banana Diet, The Belly Fat Diet, The Belly Fat Cure, The Bernstein Diet, The Beverly Hills Diet, The New Beverly Hills Diet, Body For Life, The Body Trim Diet, Sugar Busters, The Cambridge Diet, Grand-pop Valente’s Soup and Doughnuts Diet, The Cinch Diet, The Choose to Lose Diet, The Curves Diet, Eat Your Way to Happiness, The Fruitarian Diet, The Gotti Diet etc. etc. (you could probably name at least one hundred more)

(The Gotti Diet.  Named after the son of reputed Mobster John “The Teflon Don” Gotti.  Who would have guessed that this is probably the most balanced and well thought out one of the bunch.)

The bottom line with any of these hot new “You can’t live without it” eating plans is unless you have a ripped body hewn from decades of following one (or several) of them you should’t expect much different from the next one that strolls down the block.

It is mainly because of that inconvenient historical fact that my suggestion is you flush Intermittent Fasting down the toilet with the rest of the Doodie that came down the commercial weight loss sewer pipe before it.

(Intermittent Fasting, for most people this is exactly where it belongs)

Try to remember that all Fad Diets have one giant underlying flaw:  They tend to address the body metabolically (usually through a lot of impractical junk  or “bro” science) and do very little if any serious work on the complex mental, emotional, cultural, societal and biological reasons why we choose the foods we eat.

Unless you are metaphorically brain dead you don’t need to be told for the millionth time that lean proteins, healthy fats, fruits and vegetables tend to be more supportive toward your goals of losing weight more so than the typical fare at McDonalds, Taco Bell, KFC and Burger King.  Yet every day people who claim they want to lose weight consistently make the wrong choices.

All that Intermittent Fasting and  the Fad Diets have to offer you is a distraction.  They are simply one more diet which allows you to focus on it instead of having you pay attention to what the real issue is:

Your Behavior and why you make the choices that you do.  No “diet” no matter how hot, is going to do that for you.

I hope that helps.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies (just not as a diet)

Mike Cruickshank

(This is an apple.  It is dense in nutrients and low in calories.  If you are overweight odds are you don’t eat enough of them.)

(This is a Whopper .  Or at least the one on the right is.  It is low in nutrients and high in calories.  If you are overweight odds are you eat too many of them. )

(Have you ever asked yourself why you chose to eat so many of the foods that move you away from your stated weight loss and health goals?  When you can answer that question you will know everything you need to know about losing weight.)