Izzy, Fat Girls and My Personal Physician Dr. Jerry Novack

Hey Shank,

Have you heard about the Fat Girls Table?

http://5newsonline.com/2012/12/10/waiter-identifies-table-as-fat-girls-on-bill/

What’s your opinion on this one Tough Guy!

Signed,

Robert “My favorite show is Gossip Girl” McFartyPants

(I have no idea who these people are.)

Dear Mr. McFartypants,

While I find it funny that I am being called out by a dude who watches a show called Gossip Girl, at first I thought you might be talking about a reunion tour of one of my all time favorite Hip Hop Bands.  But then I realized that Buff Love died almost twenty years ago of a heart attack while weighing 450lbs:

(When it comes to the Fat Boys I have one thing to say: Disorderlies was an outstanding cinematic event.) 

(Do yourself a favor and see this film.  I may have overstated things when I said “outstanding” but  where else can you find Bananarama, Bon Jovi and the Latin Rascals all in one movie?)

Yes, I am familiar with the “Incident”.  For those of you who have better things to do and may not have heard, last week a story came out about three women who went to a restaurant in Stockton, California.  When they received the bill the words “Fat Girls” were printed on the receipt:

(Please click on the picture and realize that yes, it really says “Fat Girls”.)

As you can imagine the customers were very upset.  I mean who wouldn’t be?  I know if I went to a restaurant and the bill said “Sexy Bitch” on it…

(Sexy Bitch, that’s me.)

Well actually I wouldn’t be upset, more like flattered, but I think you get the point.

Since I have received about a dozen emails regarding my opinion on the “Fat Girls” I want to say that I think this story, at least when it comes to issues of diet and fitness,  is really frigging stupid.

(This is my friend Izzy.  While the news has been focusing it’s attention on a Waiter and Three Chicks with sluggish metabolisms, Izzy has been at the SAVE Animal Shelter for several months.  Maybe if media paid as much attention to outstanding dogs like Izzy as it does to financially exploiting human misery she might have been adopted by now.)  

The bottom line is discrimination, like Popped Collars, has been around a long time and unfortunately neither seem to be going anywhere any time soon:

(Unless you are this guy, don’t pop your collar.  What made him cool makes you look like a tool.)

If you want an educated opinion on the causes of social inequality, which is what this really comes down to, you would be better off consulting a Sociologist, Anthropologist or Psychologist like my personal Physician, Dr. Jerry Novack:

(This is Dr. Jerry Novack.  He’s not just a man, he is also a metaphor.  In reality he is Psychologist, not a Physician.  It’s just any time I can quote Mahoney from The Police Academy and make a Dr. Jerry Novack reference at the same time I am going to do so.  And Yes, I know what you are wondering.  Dr. Jerry Novack was indeed Lee Marvin’s stunt double.)

(You idiots!  You captured their stunt doubles!)

(This is Mahoney and his own personal physician Dr. Larvell Jones)

Now before I start going off on a movie line induced rant here, please realize that anything I say on this issue is going to be clouded by the fact that I do pushups for a living and will have little or nothing to do with addressing on any significant emotional level,  the humiliating experience these women went through.

You see when I first saw this story two things popped into my head:

1.  Telling Fat People they are Fat doesn’t really work.  It is a lot like telling a smoker that smoking is bad for them:

(What you call an unhealthy habit they call “Lunch”.  I can hear the conversation right now:

Doctor:  Hi Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick this is your physician, Dr. Black Lung.  I was just calling to let you know that smoking is bad for you.  

Alessandra and Really Hot Blonde Chick:  Well thank you Doctor.  But since neither one of us has had a solid meal since 1997 we really don’t care.)  

Telling a person they are fat or a smoker that smoking is bad tends to irritate the hell out of them.  This stresses the person out more and then in an attempt to regain a little bit of equilibrium (and not choke you to death):

(Smoking for weight loss…results may vary.)

They wind up eating and smoking more, not less.

You might think you are helping but you are being just like the waiter.  The reality is that anybody who coughs for 5 minutes straight or who still shops in the Husky Section doesn’t need you to give them a bigger dose of awareness about  how undesirable their current situation is:

(These are the women from the “Fat Girls” table.  And yes, I get the fact that they are all morbidly obese.   Yet since this none of them are sitting on recumbent bikes while this picture was taken it seems apparent that reminding them all how overweight they are did nothing to empower them to take better care of their health.)

2.  Fat People all seem to eat the same exact things:

When I saw the receipt I saw exactly what I thought I was going to see.  Fat People Food.  Almost all the overweight people I meet seem to suffer from the same symptoms of a disease I call “A Side Of” as in you get a sandwich (which should be a meal in and of itself) along with a side of :

*A large soda

*French Fries

*Potato chips

*A dozen doughnuts

(These are carrots.  If you are looking for a side dish then think of these as “French Fries for skinny people”.)

Granted nothing I have said here today will change the fact that people who are overweight are ostracized in our society.  This is because when it comes to discrimination, whether it be public or private, we all do it:

(He’s better than you.  And he knows it.)

I just find this ironic when it comes to weight loss because we live in a country which often says one thing when it comes to health (i.e. you must be skinny to matter) but then at the same time sells the exact opposite (cheap and calorie dense foods along with impractical/unsustainable weight loss solutions):

(How many of you out there spent cash on any of this B.S.?)

So for all you angry regular sized people out there I get the fact that overweight people can sometimes be really annoying:

(If you think that we should just accept people being this fat you have obviously never had to spend time on a plane next to a heavy breather like this.)

It’s just ridiculing your less svelte friends doesn’t get anybody anywhere.

And for all you fat people out there stop bitching and moaning and acting like a victims because that is exactly what a lot of you do.

(Whoever came up with this is totally awesome.)

Realize it’s not your genetics, it’s not your thyroid, it’s not GMO’s or Fast Food Restaurants that are to blame or the fact that the world doesn’t accept your for who you are.

It’s the  fact that you do a very poor job managing your personal mental and emotional connection to food.  You eat too damn much and move too damn little

 And that is all I have to say about that.

Till Next Time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(How cool would it be if we could dig Lee Marvin up from the dead and have him make one more film where he takes a bunch of young fat soldiers, get’s them in shape and then goes to Germany to kills lots of Nazi’s.  We could call it “The Overweight Dozen”.  I like the sound of that.)

Thanksgiving, Breast Feeding and Losing Weight

(It must be her thyroid.  One cool thing about living in America is you are always one Turkey Leg away from every day being Thanksgiving.) 

Hey Shank,

I’m really scared.  It’s Thanksgiving again and I don’t want to blow my diet.

The trainer at my gym recommended I get a really long workout in that morning to minimize the damage.  He also said I should get the latest issue of Cooking Light magazine and look up some low fat recipes.

What do you think I should do?

Signed,

Stove Top Stuffing for Brains

(I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer” and came up with this.  I have no idea what to say.  The dudes not even wearing his Vibrams.)

Dear Stove Top,

I go through a similar blog post like this one it seems every holiday season.  Given the fact I keep receiving emails like yours I guess I better keep doing it.  Either that or I should get myself a publicist.

The way I look at it there are two ways you can do something.  You can either do it the right way or the wrong way.

Take for instance Breast Feeding.  When done correctly Breast Feeding can be incredibly beneficial, resulting in possible improved immunity, IQ and bonding between mother and child.

But when done incorrectly you wind up with something like this:

(This too came up when I Googled “Crazy Personal Trainer”.  Those folks at Google have one screwed up sense of humor.)

The same thing applies to holidays, especially Thanksgiving.  Holidays are the time to enjoy life with Family and Friends.   They are not a time to Aerobic-size and count your Deal a Meal Cards:

(Say what you want about this guy but I have a feeling he genuinely cares.  Sure he’s a freak but then again so am I.)

If you want to work out because it makes you feel good then by all means do so.  Just don’t do it because you feel it’s going to result in some type of caloric deficit “New Math”.

(Get yourself one of these, the calculator watch and not the hairy forearm mind you, and quickly realize that there is little or no chance that the average person will ever be able to out run a bad diet.  Believe me I tried.  Those Hot Fudge Sundaes are fast!)

Let’s put it this way.  I think you and your trainers priorities are screwed up.  If you want to watch your weight then worry about the other three hundred and fifty plus days of the year that are not holidays:

(This is France.  They love their holidays and yet are much thinner than us.  Translation:  Even the French don’t have enough holidays to justify being overweight.)

What I recommend instead is to cherish every moment, every spoonful of turkey, gravy, biscuits, mashed potatoes,stuffing, pie and even that nasty ass cranberry sauce in a can:

(Come on man!)

And thank god that you have a chance to spend one more great day with those you love because there are a lot of people out there who don’t.  The last thing I think they regretted is that their Thanksgiving creamed corn wasn’t low cal enough.

Till next time,

Yours in Chocolate Chip Cookies,

Mike Cruickshank

(During his physical prime even Arnold came up for air from time to time and enjoyed some fried chicken)

(He also smoked lots of weed but think that was only so he could eat more fried chicken.)

Smoking Pot, South Carolina and Dunkin Doughnuts

(This man is the reason why I never really got into hardcore drugs.  But that is a story for another time.)

Hey Opinionated Dick Head,

I read your post on Intermittent Fasting.

You are an idiot.  I have tried numerous diets in the past but it was only Intermittent fasting that really worked.  It has changed my life.

If everybody did it we would not have an obesity problem.

What do you think about that Tough Guy!

Signed,

Guy in a stupid hat

(If the Man in the Yellow hat had a curious monkey, does the Guy in a stupid hat have a really disinterested one?)

Dear Guy in a stupid hat,

You want to hear something funny?

I have never used Marijuana yet I absolutely love movies about people who smoke pot.

Call it whatever you want.  Maybe I am living vicariously through Cheech, Chong, Harold and Kumar or I have some unresolved need to be a rebel but either way it’s true.

(For you kids out there too young to know, the entire van was made out of weed.)

You want to hear something else funny?

Dunkin Doughnuts has now come up with a “Diet” Doughnut.  Or at least according to one resident of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina they have.  Let me explain.

(Myrtle Beach South Carolina, they have a beach there.)

Recently a client of mine was visiting his sister in the Palmetto State.  One evening, while sitting on the balcony of her third story condo he witnessed a very strange thing.

As he looked out over the swamp toward the white sandy beach not to far away:

(The Swamp, it’s a metaphor.  But it really exists.)

He noticed this Ginormous woman sunning her self  by the pool much like a Whale who beached itself in memory of terrestrial ancestors past:

(Whales, they used to live on land you know.)

Up came her Ginormous Husband.  He was so big he had to splay his feet outward to balance himself while he walked:

(When you are so heavy it changes the way you walk, it’s time for a change.)

Very lovingly he said in a most comfortable southern tone “I’m gettin to Dunkin Doughnuts, ya want anything?”.

To which she replied “Yep.  Git me a dozen of them doughnuts.  But not like those one’s you got last time with the holes in the middle.  Git me the ones with the cusssstard.”

(Doughnuts, fat people like the ones with Cusssstard.)

This made me think.  How fat have people in this country become when “regular” doughnuts just aren’t enough.  It’s almost as if somebody saw that hole in the middle and said “There’s potential room for more calories here.  I have to fill that with something or I just won’t be satisfied”.

It’s like when cocaine and heroin weren’t “enough” so someone came up with the idea of an eight ball and then next thing you know John Belushi is dead:

(A legend, taken far too early.  Now we are left with Three and a Half Men minus Charlie Sheen.  There is no God.)

Granted I have not checked up on my history of pastries recently, so for all I know the Boston Kreme could easily pre date the double glazed.  But the fact is food nowadays tastes just too damn good.

Culinary exorbitance is the dilemma when it comes to you losing weight.  It has nothing to do with the fact that you haven’t bought the next big diet book or ninety day miracle exercise DVD:

(If you want to lose weight and your credit card is out right now you are probably on the wrong track.)

Now when I say that food tastes too damn good I don’t mean that apples these days taste better then apples one hundred years ago.  What I mean is apples back in the day were just that, Apples.  The modern mutagenic version of Eve’s favorite fruit is now covered in carmel, nuts and chocolate because much like the maligned doughnut hole, there came a time when even Candy apples weren’t enough:

(That is a candy apple.  It’s current day freakish children are in the back.)

Face the facts people, food in this era is no longer food.  It’s Porn:

(This is a porn star.)

(This is a food porn star.  You guys know I like metaphors but that is disgusting.)

As a society we need to come to grips with the fact that 90% of the time what we put into your mouth is meant to be nutrition.  It is not meant to an artificial experience of self medication, taste orgasms or a way to avoid dealing with the problems in our lives.

Until we grasp that inconvenient truth people will constantly be searching for that next miracle way to eat.  Hence the 50 Billion Dollar Diet and Weight Loss Industry of which Intermittent Fasting and all other fad diets are a part of.

To the Guy in a Stupid hat I wish you best of luck with keeping the weight off this time.   But then again maybe that is just the point.

This time.

Till next time yours in chocolate chip cookies (just not covered in chocolate, dipped in six scoops of ice cream, topped with whipped cream, hot fudge and nuts with a cherry on top),

Mike Cruickshank

(If you want one more example of modern day “food” being completely out of control check this out.  These are what are called Slutty Brownies.  They are raw cookie dough layered with Oreo’s which are then covered in brownie mix and baked at 350 degrees till the glass dish they reside in begins to resemble a crack pipe.   Damn do they look good.)